Baring it All with Rose and Chrystal

From Liverpool to Perth: Zara's expat journey.

• Rose Oates and Chrystal Russell

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What happens when life completely derails your carefully constructed plans? For our mate Zara, a hairdresser from Liverpool, what should have been a quick trip home for her sister's baby shower turned into a wild, years-long adventure filled with visa hiccups, COVID border closures, and some serious soul-searching.

Zara had built a seemingly perfect life in Perth over nearly a decade, with a thriving business, a steady relationship, and a gorgeous apartment. But then, BAM! She found herself locked out of Australia due to a technicality with her visa. What felt like the end of the world quickly became an unexpected chance for clarity. "It was the worst - best thing that happened to me," she candidly shared.

Separated from her partner and her work, everything felt like it was crumbling. Yet through that chaos, Zara reconnected with what truly mattered to her. Although her relationship and business ended, she started to feel happy again, something she realized she hadn’t felt in quite some time. She was rediscovering herself and starting anew.

Friends encouraged her to settle down in Liverpool, but Zara's heart was still set on Australia. We admired her stubbornness as she refused to buy a car, a house, or even a proper phone plan in the UK, confident she’d return to Perth on her own terms.

Eventually, the universe had her back with a sponsorship at Chrystal's salon. Tired of waiting in the UK, she decided to live in Bali while her visa was processed, making new friends and venturing back into the dating scene. A cringe-worthy date with a tooth-gem-wearing American left her a bit scarred, but it entertained us for sure!

Now, Zara is rebuilding her life in Perth, determined to find love and re-enter the dating world. Although she's not keen on dating apps -finding them a bit weird, but she’s open to new experiences as long as they don’t involve any tooth gems! It’s a bit daunting but refreshing to see her approach it all with humour and an open heart.

Our chat was filled with fun over snacks and drinks, with Zara teaching us some hilarious Scouse terms, leaving us in stitches trying to catch her quirky phrases and the things we don't quite understand when she talks! We couldn’t resist throwing in a cheeky-themed "Would You Rather" towards the end, adding a sprinkle of mischief to our convo!

Zara's journey resonates with anyone who's faced unexpected detours in life. It’s a raw reminder that sometimes, life’s redirections—even when painful—lead us right where we need to be. We hope you enjoy this fun, candid chat as Zara shares her extraordinary expat journey and adventures so far and discover why starting over might be the best gift of all! 

Connect with Rose and Chrystal on Instagram for more stories and fun mini-weekly catch-ups.
DM the girls, get involved with the conversations, and feel free to ask questions!
@baringitall_thepodcast
Rose Oates
@roseoates_
Chrystal Russell
@chrystalrussell_

And don’t forget to take care of yourself and each other -

With Love Rose & Chrystal x


Rose:

Welcome to Bearing it All with Rose and Crystal.

Chrystal:

Where the conversations get real emotions run raw and nothing is filtered.

Rose:

Buckle up because we're Bearing it All deep, diving into everything from motherhood to mental health and everything in between. We want to get to know you, each other and our bodies, and things are going to get spicy. We're outspacing.

Chrystal:

Are you ready for it?

Rose:

Let's do it. So today on the pod, we've got Zara. She's a firecracker. Born and bred in Liverpool, she came to Australia nearly 10 years ago, met her then partner here and then did the whole expat dream. She's been through it all Ran a business, dealt with a bit of heartbreak, a few curveballs, and then got stuck overseas during COVID Like literally locked out of the country, ended up in Bali for three months living her best life while trying to find her way back into Oz and restart everything from scratch. She's back now, doing it solo, and she's got a wild tale to tell. Welcome, zara, to the pod.

Chrystal:

Woo, this has been a long time coming. Girl Zara pitched the idea of coming on our pod and me and Rose were like let's fucking do it. Cheers, cheers, baby. We are currently drinking tequila and orange juice. For those who are watching without video, Crystal made this drink.

Rose:

I can tell I don't think that's true. I actually think I put more in yours. Yeah, Soz, I mean I love tequila, but Jesus Christ.

Chrystal:

You love it when you're like 20 deep and can't taste anything anymore.

Rose:

I do love a coconut tequila, so hold on. Yeah, do a shot, let's do a quick shot.

Zara:

I don't trust myself with that, neither.

Rose:

Oh yeah, good idea. If we break this, we're in big trouble. Yes, this is expensive equipment. I mean, let's have a quick shot. I mean I have literally just come from a laser session where I've had my arsehole lasered for the first time. So I feel like I can talk about anything today. If someone just saw my brown eye, we can do it all. Let's do it. Was it painful? No, she said, my butthole wasn't as brown as I thought it might have been Anyway here's to Zara Cheers.

Chrystal:

Oh shit, I don't know how.

Rose:

Oh, that's nice, that is such a good tequila. Put that over there.

Chrystal:

That is delicious Shit guys, I'm going to get the sweats now.

Rose:

Oh, that is delicious. That is tequila Infused with tequila Again. Okay, tell them what happened last night before we start quick.

Chrystal:

Oh my God. We went to the community lounge and as we were exiting I thought I was going to pass out. I couldn't even walk down the stairs.

Zara:

My legs were jiggling, jaggling like a wobbly little.

Rose:

The collar went Crystal. I would like you to share why that happened, Because I got really excited over some brie.

Chrystal:

It was on the plate and I looked at it and I was like Did you not see?

Rose:

what she was doing. No, so I grabbed a cracker and some cheese and she's like fuck this, I'm just going to have some cheese. And I saw her little mitts go out. No, she grabbed.

Chrystal:

I picked up a handful, a handful of brie, but it was it was, that was one handful, and then it was another handful.

Zara:

She just kept going back and forth.

Chrystal:

And then you guys, you guys went to go take seats and I went back for more cheese and I couldn't resist the creamy brie.

Rose:

That's literally how it came out, it went in creamy.

Chrystal:

It came just out the same it came out like a brown Mr Whippy. No, sorry guys, Too much info, but I had the worst stomach ache. I got home and I wore these pants that I can never do up, Like I can never do them up right. So I'm trying to get these fuckers off and I'm shaking.

Rose:

I'm shaking, my legs are going and then I'm shaking my legs are going and then I'm like oh my God, I'm going to shit my pants.

Chrystal:

It's the poo sweats, it's the poo sweats, I felt like I was going to pass out. Oh yep. Anyway, I learned my lesson. I cannot drink wine and eat a whole wheel of cheese, and I'm pretty sure it was like a wheel I don't think the wine had any.

Rose:

No, that was all cheese, that was a cheese shit. That was like paulie said before, it was the cheese sweats yeah, but you know what eating it was divine.

Chrystal:

Yeah, I had regrets it. No, no, it's not, I thought I was gonna pass out yeah, I thought, I thought we actually you were gonna pass.

Zara:

She was walking down the stairs like this.

Rose:

I actually thought we're gonna have to go to emergency. I thought, oh my god, like I was holding her on one arm like a little baby, like a child, no, but then that other woman who was sitting on that crate who would have thought cheese could do that. Honestly, I was like get your bag off the crate and give my friend the crate. She's obviously not well, I don't even remember any of that, yeah, anyways.

Chrystal:

So this is just our life, right? So, zara, hey girls, I'm going to tell you a little bit of a story. Yes, let's do it the story behind of how I met Zara. So one day I get this DM slide in, so I'm gripping that mic like a big old fucking shalong.

Rose:

That's what I do at night and could you hear this Ew Let it go.

Zara:

It's like asthma Guys Ew Let it go. What's something you use like?

Chrystal:

asthma Guys. This is what professionals do they talk into their microphone.

Zara:

Asthma, the asthmatics? No, that stuff when it's cringe.

Rose:

Asmr, oh yeah, oh God, no Asthma. I had asthma. I'm anxious sounding like she's oh.

Zara:

Sarah, okay, stop I need to tell my story.

Chrystal:

Right. So I get this DM and it's from this chick that I know she's really cool. She sent me a message saying yeah, nick, I don't remember this. Nick messaged me saying hey girl, are you hiring at the moment? And I was like nah, she was like one of my friends needs a sponsor. She wants to get back into Australia. And I was like, oh, I don't even know what like that means. Like anyways, I called my husband and I was like look, a friend of mine has asked, a friend of hers wants to get back into Australia. What do you think about sponsorship? And he was like I don't know anything about it, we've got to talk to Brennan, blah, blah, blah. Anyways, I think either you messaged me or I messaged you.

Zara:

No, I messaged you. You messaged me, but you didn't get back to me for about way over a month, was it? Yeah, it must have gone into. It had been read, so I just like messaged it off.

Rose:

You were just whatever. Wait did I?

Zara:

actually do that. It was opened. Yeah, you obviously wouldn't have done it.

Rose:

You would have looked at it and thought like let's just have a look. But it was opened and I was just like Shit I ghosted you.

Chrystal:

We talked about this. I did not even realize that I had done that. Yeah, shit.

Zara:

Okay, sorry. So then, when you did message I think that's why it was such a shock, because I was like, oh, I messaged these forever ago?

Chrystal:

Oh, did I read it? Maybe I didn't read it. No, it was open.

Rose:

Because normally you know what I'm like. I get a message and I'm like We've had two episodes about this. We've had a ghosting episode and we've had ADHD, so it was a little of both, probably.

Chrystal:

Yeah, okay, well, yeah, sorry about that, but anyways, we got chatting and I think we chatted like over of, like an actual call, didn't we? Yeah, and we're in the car. I was on the phone to Zara for like an hour. I had to call it on.

Zara:

I was like I'll be back in a minute.

Chrystal:

I didn't like anticipate this conversation. Anyways, we got onto like who we knew. It was just this whole thing and I just got this vibe. It was like we knew each other. It was so bizarre. I just got this vibe from her and then everybody kept freaking me out. They're like are you sure you want to do this? What if she's a really crappy hairdresser? What if you're like stuck with her? Kept on like trying to freak me out and I was like nah.

Rose:

So we started stalking her.

Chrystal:

We did, we stalked all your platforms.

Rose:

She's like Rose this is your, this is, this is her handle.

Zara:

Oh wait, I sent it to you, I sent it to her. He's never even asked to see me wear, because you hadn't said what can you do?

Rose:

She's like here's her profile and let's have a look. I remember looking at her style.

Chrystal:

We remember being like she's got nice teeth, she's got nice hair, she styles herself well, she's got nice fashion sense.

Rose:

Because you've got to get a sense of how you're looking yourself. And yeah, we were in in little private PIs.

Zara:

Oh, nice to know.

Chrystal:

Yeah, it was actually good. Anyways, I just had this really good vibe about you. I was like no, she's not going to fuck me over, like she feels so good to me. Yeah, like we align. Anyways, this was only after having a chat for like one hour One phone call. Anyways, this was only after having a chat for like one hour. One phone call, one phone call. And then we chatted for like I don't know, four or five months, yeah, over text constantly. Anyways, zara magically gets on a fucking flight to Bali.

Zara:

No, better man, go back the paperwork. Oh, it took forever. Insane, they want to know, like the ridiculous amounts of information. Better man, I've had one before, so really they should just go get her file you know what I mean.

Rose:

But then they needed everything from her business and it costs a lot of money, doesn't it? A lot of money. So this is what, like we don't know, we see people immigrate here and we're like meh.

Chrystal:

What does it cost? Like I can't, I don't even remember, but I think it was over 10 grand, right?

Zara:

It was 12k yeah. Shit. Bear in mind, this is about my third sponsor. Yes, so it's cost a lot of money. Yeah, she wants to be here, baby. But it was weird because I'd been at home for so long and everyone was like, just settle down, just settle in.

Rose:

And I was like I can't, yeah, you didn't want to be there.

Zara:

Something is calling you.

Chrystal:

We just made it. Anyways, I'm like on her Instagram and I'm seeing all these people tagging her. Oh fuck, Bye, Zara, See you, we're going to miss you. And I'm like what the fuck? The sponsorship hasn't even gone through yet. Where the fuck is this bitch going to? I started panicking. My voice in my head was telling me she's got to sponsor shit with someone else.

Zara:

Oh my god, where is she going, oh?

Chrystal:

my god. I sent her a message straight away. I was like Zara, where are you, where are you going to? I was in the airport. I was like I'm going to Bali. She was like I'm going to Bali. I was like, oh, did you forget?

Rose:

that you were coming to work for me. I was like butys and our work stations. She'd already ordered Zara's.

Chrystal:

I ordered that like as soon as we put the paperwork in.

Zara:

She gave me ribbon the other day that she ordered at Christmas. Put my name on it. Yeah, Just in case you made it here for Christmas. No, you manifested it Queen.

Chrystal:

I did, but anyway. So literally she had had enough. She gets on a flight to Bali On New Year's Eve Also, doesn't even tell me, doesn't tell me On New Year's Eve.

Zara:

I thought I am starting the new year out of the country. I'm starting the year as a means to go on, Anyways.

Chrystal:

so she flies to Bali. I have no idea in the world. I'm like starting to sweat panic. I'm panicking because I'm like I don't know what the hell is going on. I was like was everybody right? Is she screwing me over? Is she going somewhere? Then she messaged me and goes no, I'm just going to wait in Bali until we hear something.

Rose:

I was like, oh, thank fuck for that. But lucky for us, we were going to Bali.

Chrystal:

So, as a team, we were leaving to go to Bali and I was like Zara, we are going to Bali and you're going to meet us, and I didn't even think about the fact that she could completely freak out, that she was going to meet what? Seven new women, eight women that she'd never met before, besides chatting to me on the phone and over text messages. She doesn't know a bar of soap about me.

Rose:

And not to mention, we had never met her. She could be a psychopath. We're like, hold on, not only were we meeting her, we were going to be staying in the same villa as a person we had never met before. Yeah, and we were just like, okay, we're going to meet one of our new team members. She could kill us in our sleep. Okay, literally, literally, or we could like, for all she knew, we could have been fucking motherfucking bitches.

Chrystal:

Yeah, were you freaking out about meeting like eight new people who were going to potentially work with?

Zara:

Do you know what? I don't think I'd thought about the rest of the team. I think I was just ready to meet you and I did. I'd been following you at the time and we'd spoke a little bit on Insta, but then, when I walked in, I was overwhelmed. Yeah, I had a big fucking suitcase.

Chrystal:

She was so quiet the first night you were so quiet that was not me is it?

Rose:

No, and then I had an anxiety attack.

Zara:

And you broke the ice.

Rose:

Yeah, well, she walked in and I was stressed about work because it takes me a long time to unwind. Was stressed about work because it takes me a long time to unwind when I'm like on holiday, it takes me a day at least. We'd only been there, me and Crystal. Did you get there that day? Yeah, oh yeah. Crystal and I are psychopaths in general. We get excited, okay, and we could not sleep. We'd worked the day before.

Zara:

Then you was on the red eye, then we're on the red eye.

Rose:

Do you think these two bitches could sleep? Everyone else is.

Chrystal:

Everyone's asleep on the plane. We're losing it. Laughing the whole time. We laughed so loud and we're wetting our pants on the plane.

Rose:

I think I cried, laughing the entire time. Yes, we get there. We have been up for 36 hours straight. Zara walks in with his fucking suitcase. It must have been like Fucking suitcase, was it 40 kilos?

Zara:

40 kilos, 50 kilos, yeah. And then he had the big bag, and then he had these stupid hats Like why am I carrying?

Rose:

them at all. Crystal knows, I am very what do we call it Intuitive? What would we call?

Zara:

it yeah intuitive.

Rose:

Intuitive, intuitive, that's the tequila talking. Intuitive, intuitive, that's the tequila talking. Is anyone going to be hot? Yeah, this is going to be an unhinged episode. Now I pick up people's energy in general. I don't know if it was her or me. I was just trying to unwind. I come in. She comes in, introduces herself. I have to start apologizing. I'm literally having a full-blown, fucking panic attack. I was in, she comes in introduces herself.

Zara:

I have to start apologising.

Rose:

I'm literally having a full-blown fucking panic attack. I was shaking, I was getting heart palpitations, I couldn't breathe. I was like fuck my life. You are the most embarrassing cunt on earth. Maybe you were just feeling it for me. That's what I'm thinking. I felt like I was picking up your energy number one.

Zara:

I do that when people are breastfeeding, when people are having a bottle like kids, I burp.

Rose:

I thought you were like my nipples start tingling, but you burp like a baby. You're like my nipples start tingling, I start burping like a baby. So, yes, I started getting.

Rose:

I had a panic attack but I felt like for her, I could see her face and I thought to myself this bitch, I started understanding. I looked at her and I was like she is walking into a group of women that are very close. Me and Crystal are like close as shit, like literally, and I literally sat in a room while she was doing a shit. That's the level of closeness we're in.

Rose:

And I didn't even smell it because I'd gotten used to it. Anyway, that is. That's wrong and right on so many levels and I apologize zero for that because I love her, okay. But I started looking at Zara's face. I was like she's walked into this. What? Yeah, like the actual fucking vagina on this woman, like I'm not gonna say balls, because balls are weak, sorry paulie, sorry producer paulie, but they are like you kick someone in the balls, it hurts. You kick someone in the vagina, they get the fuck back up and slap you. Okay, that's right, but our vagina is tough, like I thought what are the fucking? The vagina flaps on this bitch like she's got some got some.

Chrystal:

You did, man. Even I didn't even take it into consideration. And then I started to panic because Zara was so quiet that night and I felt like she was analysing everything we were doing. We went to fucking motel Motel, mexicola. We went to Mexicola, the tequila was flowing, we were dancing on tables Me and Rose are wild sober, so on tequila.

Zara:

You got wild, but then you all only had one drink.

Chrystal:

Yeah, that's what happens.

Zara:

No, but then you stopped and I was thinking, oh, I can't hang around with these. These are only one drink.

Rose:

If we're one drink, one does no, but also I'm wondering where you only saw us do one drink.

Chrystal:

One drink because me and Rose went to the bar and drank tequila. So I don't know if you were in on that one, but you were nervous.

Rose:

Okay, so coming off the back of that, you had been in Bali. How long by this stage? A month, I think.

Zara:

Yeah, only a month. So I got there December. This was the end of the month.

Chrystal:

We came the end. We came like 24th, 23rd, something like that.

Rose:

So we need to backtrack a little bit and hear a little bit of your story. Sorry, you, prior to this, us meeting you. You've heard where you've come from now. Yeah, you were here for 10 years.

Zara:

Yeah Well, I first came in 2008. By yourself First year. First time I came in 2008 was with my first boyfriend, mm-hmm, and my best friend and her husband, who is still here, yeah.

Chrystal:

Who.

Zara:

I live with now. They, we all came together. Okay, all best friends from home. They were best friends, we were best friends. This little lovely story. We came, we stayed here, we went travelling, we went back home. Me and my ex then parted ways and I came back alone, but then me other friends were still here, yep, then I met my ex.

Rose:

On this stage, were you on a working visa for the second trip over the?

Zara:

second trip over. No, I came on a holiday. Yeah, because I'd had the working holiday visa previously. Okay, then I just came on a holiday visa, but knew I was staying.

Rose:

I just came on a holiday of his, but knew I was staying.

Zara:

You know what I mean. I was like when I put my mind to something, it happens Okay. So then stayed, was here for nearly 10 years. Met my ex here, who's from the same bloody place I'm from what?

Rose:

are the chances of that? I mean, it's probably high, I don't know. So you're both from Liverpool, yeah, okay.

Chrystal:

And what happened with Joe? I don't even know what his name is, but we'll just call him Joe for now. Yeah, and his name is Joe. The highway to hell.

Rose:

His name is Joe His name's fucking Joe. Is it actually? I didn't even know what his name was. I was like girl. His name's fucking Joe. Do we need to bleep this guy's name out? No, fuck me, you are a fucking chick. Let's talk about Joe. Joe, I mean, I'd rather skim over there, let's skim, we might skim over.

Chrystal:

You're a shit man. You can just give me a very, very, very like minimal lowdown. Fuck me, this tequila's gone to my head.

Rose:

Give me a little tiny bit.

Zara:

Skim over.

Rose:

Jo, let's go Because the thing is as well is why we wanted you on here. You would not believe the amount of expats that have come over to Perth, especially. Like the community of women and men and women from the UK is huge. There's fucking Facebook groups of this shit.

Chrystal:

Honour on there. Honour on there.

Rose:

It's like we attract it and I'm here for it because I've got such good friends from like the UK.

Chrystal:

For this reason, yeah, so I think your journey is in your UK. Friends are unhinged too.

Rose:

Yeah, I know, I think that's why I'm attracted to them. Yeah, I'm just naturally attracted to these unhinged bitches.

Zara:

We are very unhinged.

Rose:

So tell us, let's skim over, Jo.

Zara:

Okay. So yeah, we were friends of friends where I live, so up north, Everyone's from fucking England.

Rose:

Yes, north of WA, north of Perth, north of Perth. Okay, there's a thing here for those that are listening out of here. There's like the north of the river and the south of the river.

Zara:

So we're northern.

Rose:

North of the river is literally. It's like Little Britain. Yes.

Zara:

Okay, even all my clients. Everything was still like I was at home. It felt like home, yeah. So I think that's why I gravitated to them. Whatever, we were together a long time Tried to have children, all that jazz. And then I opened a salon.

Rose:

Okay, what's the timeline? When did you start trying to have kids? We?

Zara:

tried for about four or five years.

Rose:

Four or five years? Fuck yeah, okay.

Zara:

We were getting, we had all the tests and all and there was problems both sides. Yep, yeah it. Yeah, we were getting, we had all the tests and all and there was problems both sides. Yep, yeah, it was shit, it was shit.

Chrystal:

Yeah, do you know what, though that's heavy, that's the universe not letting you have a baby. No, I 100% With that person.

Zara:

Yes, I believe my nan. God bless her soul. Oh, man kept throwing care balls like girl, you're not having a baby today.

Rose:

Yeah, not him. Okay, so tried for four or five years. Yeah, didn't end up with him. How did we get back home and did you take him with you?

Zara:

No, he was here. I had just opened a salon. I'd had the salon for not literally about five months. My sister was having a baby.

Zara:

So I was like I'm going to come home, went home, had the baby shower, we'd done all that jazz. No, she had a sprinkle Baby showers, baby meal. It was my cousin's 30th, had a ball. It was mad On me, me way back. So I've been sponsored by somebody and I was on a bridge and visa, yes, cause the sponsor have been refused, mm-hmm. But I didn't know, soft ass, that there's a a and a B. You can't travel on a but you can travel on B. So for me to leave the country, I had to change to be. It's the top. Someone to go? Yeah, that's it.

Rose:

Okay.

Zara:

When Irm didn't know this. Got home at a month at Irm. On my way back, flew from don't know why I'm on this flight Manchester to Munich.

Rose:

Yeah.

Zara:

Munich to Singapore. Got to Singapore, all merry getting on the flight, they went no, and they were like your visa's been Like couldn't come in.

Rose:

Okay, why couldn't you come in?

Zara:

Because I'd left on the A and not the B, so I'm like trying to bring Australian immigration You're stressing out your whole life here, the embassy. I'm trying. No, I was like fucking Tom Hanks in the terminal. Four days I was in Singapore. Did you sleep on the airport floor? I didn't sleep For four days. Fuck.

Rose:

You must have been on crack or something At this time. You were still with your partner. He was in Australia. You still had your salon, my business, everything is here, my knickers and everything you were just on holiday Literally had my suitcase.

Zara:

Oh, my god One of my mates had said can you pick a pair of trainees up from the in-laws? Yeah, I slept on the pair of trainees because they had them in me fucking arm. Oh shit, well, I didn't. So what happened from Singapore? So I stayed there for four days because everyone was like surely it's very fixable. Yes, it's the click of a button. Wait, wait, wait. 12 hours went on 24. I'm having breakdowns in the fucking airport. My mum's like I'll book you the flight. I'll book you the flight. I'm like just leave it. I'm 5 hours from home, it's easier to stay. Yeah, got to day 4. I look like a fucking zombie. Yep stress. My mum was like I've booked you the flight. Got a flight from Singapore to Dubai. I missed my connection. Oh, babe, no. And then I seen this girl and I went lad, you're from Liverpool. I haven't spoken to anyone for five days. Come and have a pint.

Rose:

This woman is honestly like it's blowing my mind. So from there, you did not enter Australia again.

Zara:

No, Because then COVID it Fuck off and the borders got shut.

Chrystal:

Can I ask you a question without you going into too much detail? Your salon, that was here. What happened? Because you left, so just like you clapped your hands and that was it. Bye Sia, you didn't speak or hear or anything. No, I was in contact. Yeah.

Rose:

All amicable. No, no, you were part owner right With somebody yeah.

Chrystal:

Yeah, and then they just took off and they took over and you had nothing to do with it because you couldn't get back in. Well, none of the time, you were still paying the bills during COVID, weren't you yeah?

Zara:

It was still. I was at home, didn't know. No one knew what even COVID was. Do you know what I mean? We were like living week to week day to day. And all I could do in my head like lock myself in the room for weeks because I was like I can't deal with this Because you were still with your partner still. Yeah, lovely apartment on the beach, drove a lovely car, had the business on paper. Life was perfect.

Rose:

Had it together. Yes.

Zara:

But it was the worst best thing that happened to me.

Chrystal:

So there, yes, but it was the worst best thing that happened to me. So did he come with you or stay here? Well, the borders were short so he couldn't come in, so it was just you back home and he stayed here.

Rose:

Yeah, well, wa borders as well, were very fucking tight.

Chrystal:

You couldn't get in order. So at some point you guys decided that like did you break up during COVID?

Zara:

It was a weird one. We did never like break up. It was just like after like two years. It was like I was living in Liverpool and he was living here.

Chrystal:

And you were like. Well, there was a point. Long distance not working.

Zara:

And he was getting himself into silly situations over the air. And then I was like still being a bit of his mum on the phone and I was like fuck off, I'm carrying an off on me shoulders.

Rose:

Do you feel like? Did you get to sit back from another point of view and view your relationship and really assess it while you were there without him?

Zara:

it took a while because I was in so much like stress and anxiety over my mind. I couldn't speak to you without anyone, without going. I need to get back, I need to like it was it consumed me where?

Zara:

then, when I did sit back and my mum was like, okay, right, you might be here for two years, let's get your shit together, let's build your clientele like and I was like, only your mum can say that yes, I was like okay, and I was like okay and I was busy, like that, like was working and busy, and then I felt happy. Yeah, do you know what I mean? Where I had anxiety for so long Not putting that on the person, it was obviously my life at the minute in.

Rose:

Australia, but I just felt so much like I felt like I was like you felt free, Free. It was weird, oh my God, like I am a woo-woo girl you are. I feel like sometimes life throws us to the curb, like it kicks us to the curb to show us what we need to do to move forward to bring ourselves a better life. Covid fucked us all up. I would say we had it good in WA because we were isolated but we were free. But what it did like I even remember my girlfriend, my girlfriend and her husband or her partner at the time. They had to go back home. Then they got stuck away for five years, like the stuff that it taught people, the situations they were in. It honestly made us a lot of us reflect on what we want from the future, how we're gonna get it and whoa england was insane, though you's got complete like you just couldn't work.

Zara:

Have you never seen a movie right and there's no one there? Yeah, whatever them freaking movies are, you'd go for a walk and the other side of the street of people seeing you you'd like scurry off like little rats to get away from you.

Chrystal:

Like zombies it was insane.

Rose:

But people, we really didn't know what it was. No, we thought we could die. Do you know why?

Zara:

I loved COVID, though you loved it Only because my auntie had the best house parties.

Rose:

Oh my God, that's so good. Okay, okay, but Okay. But also introverts. They were living their best life.

Zara:

Oh yeah, but I mean we just we did. The police used to knock and she'd be like we all live together and we can't let you in because it's COVID.

Chrystal:

Listen, guys. I went to the fucking supermarket with Bunnings like gloves on that went up to my armpit with a mask on, because I thought I was going to die if I went food shopping. Oh my God, yeah, because that's what the media told us At one point I was going to wear safety glasses.

Rose:

I can't believe it was a good. Getting through your eyeballs, that's what people were saying. I was in the middle of having babies. I had two babies back to back Because obviously I had nothing fucking better to do and that's how you had all the babies. No, at the end of the day, honestly. And then I think, for my second birth, I literally got isolated. It was one person in the room and no one could visit me.

Zara:

See my sister, my nephew. She had him on the 23rd of February and on the 1st of March we went into lockdown. Me and my mum were going to a window and looking through the window and then in the end, my mum was like my daughter's mental health is more important than this. Whatever this is, yeah, we're going in. Yeah.

Rose:

Yeah, like I was lucky that I missed, because WA wasn't a threat, but like they were such like there were Nazis on it they almost weren't allowing a partner in for birthing, that's insane and I was hysterical. I thought I cannot give birth without a partner someone, craig. But thank fucking God, I had fantastic mid-knives and Craig was allowed in Mid-knives. I had mid-knives, I had four. I'm ready. I don't know guys, someone needs to pick me up. You know what I speak her language.

Zara:

I just get it Shots, shots, shots shots, shots Anyway we're back.

Chrystal:

Okay, so the relationship fizzled out, but you were still stuck in the UK, and that's when your saviour come in to lie. I'm your saviour, I want to reverse.

Rose:

I need to reverse because I know some juicy juice About me, no, about her. Yeah, I feel like we've missed a bit. I don't know if she's going to tell you, I don't know. We can cut this bit out about the.

Chrystal:

Oh, she ain't going to say shit.

Rose:

No, can do baby. Okay, none to that, but that is some juicy juicy juicy Shit.

Chrystal:

I wish we could get that out, because that would be damn juicy we might have to fizzle that little bit out Anyways. So the relationship fizzled out. You ended up coming back to Perth, we went to Bali, but while you were in Bali, actually we wanted to ask some questions about any romantic connections.

Rose:

Because now you're a single Pringle and you tell us that you are ready to settle down, you are ready to find love and have some babies, but it takes some work, as we know, like it's not easy being single.

Zara:

I just don't know how you're meant to meet someone.

Chrystal:

We have told Zara time and time again she needs to get on the dating apps, and I know that that's not the way. Back in the day you would find your mans, but these days it's all about slide and into those dirty DMs.

Zara:

I just get the ick.

Rose:

So quick, Okay. So what happened in Bali?

Zara:

I know you had an experience, please tell, please tell us no. So I was away with one of my friends and she was like just go on a date, go on a date One. He was American.

Chrystal:

That's alright.

Zara:

What's wrong with Americans, oh?

Chrystal:

too much.

Zara:

Too much, sorry, no, that's fine, let's do it Two.

Rose:

That was one. What was two?

Chrystal:

Was he good looking? No, so it didn't start. Well, let's do it Two. That was one. What?

Zara:

was two, was he good looking? No, oh shit. So it didn't start well Then, so I met him. His date sounded promising. To be fair, I met him at the beach but then he ordered me a drink. He didn't even ask me what I wanted.

Chrystal:

Oh, that's kind of cute though.

Zara:

No, it's not. He ordered me a coconut water. He ordered me a coconut water. I wanted a fucking drink.

Rose:

Oh, he ordered you a non-alcoholic drink. Yeah, who does that? I think it's polite to say I want to get you a drink. What do you like?

Chrystal:

Actually do you know what? Getting you a non-alcoholic drink is kind of responsible.

Zara:

Yeah, but then he was feeding us, he ordered himself food.

Chrystal:

I thought you said he was feeding us, then he was feeding it to dogs.

Zara:

Hold on hold, on hold on.

Rose:

I like this guy. He ordered himself food, but not you.

Zara:

Well, he asked me if I wanted it, but we were in like a beach fucking shack with dogs.

Chrystal:

Oh, she didn't want to get diarrhoea. Fair, fair, fair, okay so.

Zara:

I was eight and a half. So anyway, we went to this lovely Japanese it was fab, not for food, for drinks, all dark, and I was thinking, oh it dark. And I was thinking, oh, it might be, alright, give him a chance, I'll give him a little chance. So then he ordered me a drink without Colin and I was like I like tequila, so he ordered me like this cocktail. But he's been a bit of a dick and he was like trying to show off. He started speaking in fucking Balinese.

Zara:

I was like just order it in fucking American, in American. In English, in American. In English In.

Chrystal:

English.

Zara:

In English.

Rose:

Yes, or does the drink in American aka English? Yes?

Zara:

Then I was thinking I must have the tequila, must have went down a little cheap and I was thinking, oh, he's all right. Then something like caught me eye and I went what the fuck's that? He had a tooth Shep. No, he didn't. He had a tooth gem. No, he didn't, he had a tooth gem, gem.

Rose:

Oh, he had a tooth gem, a fucking diamond on his tooth. I can't cope, I can't, I can't cope. Why am?

Zara:

I. I only have one drink. When I go out, I'm going off to get a cup. I fucking liked it. I had smoke on my Chinese. He's like no, it's mine.

Chrystal:

Okay, hold on a minute. You were so turned off by a tooth gem.

Rose:

Yeah, but come on Okay, Come on, come on, okay, wait.

Chrystal:

Can I ask you a question? Did he have veneers?

Zara:

Yes, I didn't get past that point. If he had veneers and a tooth gem, I would be immediately turned off.

Chrystal:

But if he just had a little cute tooth gem.

Rose:

I've been wondering could have been for his niece or his daughter or something cute, who knows. No, no, craig with a tooth gem. No, I'll vomit. Oh baby, if Craig had a tooth gem, there would be no Rose and Craig.

Zara:

Is that?

Rose:

not for an icky I'm sorry, like, but you weren't going to marry the guy. There is a special kind of person I'm not saying they're bad people, but it is a special kind of person that wants to get a tooth gem. Okay, anyone listening, come on. A special kind of person gets a tooth gem. A man in the late 30s 40s got a fucking tooth gem. How old are we talking?

Rose:

Maybe he was bald Okay With a fucking tooth gem. He was bald Okay With a fucking tooth jam. I've got to go. I'm leaving the studio.

Chrystal:

Okay, maybe he was a little bit fruity.

Rose:

Sorry guys, I nearly left the studio over bald in his 40s.

Chrystal:

Do you think he's maybe a bit fruity, Just a tiny bit? I don't know.

Rose:

but in Bali. Let's be honest we love Bali. Look, I spat into my drink. We have been a million times. You've lived there for three months. You know every part of Bali Like. It attracts all different kinds of people, especially expat, an American, an American Bald tooth, gem-wearing twat.

Zara:

All right I get it.

Chrystal:

I Tooth gem wearing. All right, I get it. I thought you were going to tell me some fucking juicy sex story, like he had a tooth gem on his penis or something Are you kidding?

Zara:

I didn't speak to another man again on that whole fucking trip. I was fucking scarred. He blinded me with this sparkly fucking tooth. No, no, no, thanks, sorry, oh Lord.

Rose:

So I haven't been on a date since. Oh my god, she's fucking scarred by the tooth gem. Yes, I can't. Can I just ask a very personal question? It's how long has it been since you had some meat between the thighs?

Zara:

jesus me mother be watching this. Sorry, mama.

Rose:

A while, like pre-Barley or in.

Zara:

Barley. Yeah, fuck Barley. Not nothing to Barley.

Rose:

That was enough. Oh, the tooth jam has put her off fucking Barley in general.

Zara:

Yeah, a while.

Rose:

It's been quite a while, then, guys, quite a while.

Zara:

I wish I was a bit more like. Where you could, I will let One Night Stands. Do you know what, though? Zara's?

Chrystal:

got like a fear of one night stands too.

Rose:

She doesn't do them.

Zara:

Have you had a one night stand? No, because I was like full blown anxiety. Yes, she's never had a one night stand Like a twat, or you know what I mean.

Chrystal:

Yes, Jesus Christ Imagine if you were us?

Rose:

No, like, no, like. I can talk and you can talk, but honestly, like I've fucking been married to some man for like 20 years One Night Stands I think it's also like age group One Night Stands and getting on the apps are fucking scary, like if something happened to Craig and I'm saying happened Because we were never going to leave me, so he would have to do something very bad. I would not know what to do with myself Getting on an app. We used to meet people in the wild.

Zara:

But I like an old school. I've never seen my mum go to the bar because my dad is a gentleman Like I. Want that old school. Yes, I don't mind being in the kitchen fucking cooking tea. You know what I mean.

Rose:

Like with a good person that deserves it. Yes, okay.

Zara:

Where people don't even offer you a bevy when you go out because they're all mince bag bastards.

Chrystal:

But do you know what, though? I like the idea of an app because you can reject without having to talk to them in the face.

Zara:

I like that, yeah, but you've also got to sift through a lot of shit, yeah but that's fine.

Chrystal:

I think it would be fun.

Zara:

So what? I ask what John's fucking favourite colour is?

Rose:

No, I don't care, I don't care. Okay, so have you dabbled in the apps? No, I can't be asked.

Chrystal:

This is the thing, guys, we're going to.

Zara:

We're a different generation.

Chrystal:

No, but do you? Just for some fun? We're going to get Zara on the app. I told you to pre-download an app before you came here, bitch, did you?

Zara:

No, I wanted. I have been shopping all day, babe.

Chrystal:

We have this idea of like conversations we can have with people just to have a bit of fun, just to take the piss off.

Zara:

Not to take the piss off to someone, just to take the piss off to the male species, Okay so.

Rose:

I'm going to do a quick. She's got it in. For all those tooth gem people out there. I like this. I'm going to do a quick recap. So Zara has lived in Australia for nearly 10 years. Met her partner ex-partner, should I say that was also from Liverpool. Didn't work out after trying, for they were ready for babies got stuck over in the UK during COVID. Nan was right, did not want you to have a fucking baby with this woman. God bless Nan's soul, but she did not want her to get pregnant. To that man with good reason Comes over and goes. You know what? I'm? Coming back to Australia if it kills me. Gets to Bali and waits, waits. Hold a minute.

Chrystal:

You should have seen the phone call. We got an email saying the sponsorship has been approved.

Rose:

Me and Davin tried to call Zara 450 times and it goes back a little bit further.

Zara:

So my best friend who's in pair, come to Bali to see me for the weekend. I remember that. So she, my best friend who's in pair, come to Bali to see me for the weekend. I remember that so she was coming the Thursday till the Tuesday. When she was till the Monday. On the Monday when she was leaving, I was going to go home on the Tuesday. I remember this Because I said I'm Bali'd out, can't see another noodle, I need to go and recap we didn't get to this.

Rose:

She was like going to go back to the UK. I had then also told her bitch, I'll see you, I'll see you at my birthday. No problems, my birthday 26th of February. Let's get the timeline from there.

Zara:

So Jen came to see me. She landed on the Thursday late. I'd booked her somewhere in Ullo. She came, so I had wine on the balcony with it and I was like you know what? I'm gonna turn my phone on sleep because we can have a lion tomorrow. First time I've ever done it, the fucking visa comes through the phone's on sleep here I am again back to panic mode because this bitch isn't answering her phone.

Rose:

David's called her, I've called her, we've sent 300 text messages and I'm like they're at the email they emailed, because that's when you did you see an email.

Zara:

I didn't see any she saw nothing when did you see this? So Jen, me best mate, was like your phone keeps shaking and I was like, just leave it. She's like, oh my god. Oh my god, there's millions of missed calls. It's Chris and I was like, oh, I can't look at that.

Rose:

So she had to look. She couldn't bear to actually face the phone. You've got it.

Zara:

But Gemma's meant to come early Feb and changed it, so the night she got there the visa came through, so then I was able to fly back to Perth with it.

Rose:

And what day did you fly back to Perth?

Zara:

On your birthday.

Rose:

Amen.

Chrystal:

I'm telling you now, rose is all sorts of woo-woo, she saw it.

Rose:

And I was like I just calmly left Bali, gave her a hug and I'll see you at my birthday, see, ya, we'd been for lunch that day, me and you. We scooted in. Everyone else was getting crook and we were talking about our shit but also, let's

Chrystal:

just say, after Hotel Mexicola Zara became one of us, oh my God, the crazy bitch had her flaps out at bloody fins. That was our fins.

Rose:

Yeah, that was the best Jesus Christ, honestly a day at fins, and we were like Soul sisters.

Zara:

That was it. We were fucking wild. The magic team were run like a team.

Rose:

Oh, honestly, Like I have a scar from a shisha, that's the shape of a cock. Oh sorry, Not sorry.

Zara:

Anyway, she lost a toenail a mole, a mole off the back of her, a toenail. Yeah, I didn't even know. I had a mole on my back and it fell off. Well awful, she had skin cancer and he was like you again.

Rose:

And then she's like just give me a plaster. You know, I still haven't let them fucking check. Anyway, it's such a beautiful story, and so that is how she's made it back to Perth to restart, like, literally, you are starting again, you've started fresh. There is no salon, because that is a dirty dog shit. That happened there. She had to give up. Let dog shit that happened there, that she had to give up, let go of that dream. That's literally, I feel, like a clean slate. It's literally a clean state. Do you know what, though, I'm so happy, I'm proud of?

Chrystal:

you. No, I'm so happy.

Rose:

I feel like you were brought to me but I think doing it this way, like you're doing it on your own, on your own terms, in your own way- with a hundred lessons learned.

Zara:

So this is me third time back.

Rose:

Third time lucky, but it feels so right.

Chrystal:

This is it, this is it. And I've only got Zara for two years, but this bitch better stay with me forever. Honestly, do you think I'd be abused too?

Zara:

Nah, she's got no choice now for two years, but this bitch better stay with me forever. Honestly.

Chrystal:

I was like oh Nah.

Rose:

She's got no choice now, because he will find you Husband. Okay, how do we find a man in Perth these days? Like honestly, you fucking tell me.

Chrystal:

Guys, I would love some submissions. If you guys have any single pringle, hot men, doesn't matter if they're not Australian. What age group are we saying? Athletic?

Zara:

Do you know what I'm going to ask the Watertap Bods? I don't want a juice head. Alright, no juice heads. What's?

Chrystal:

the age group though. Are we talking 39 plus, or, you don't mind dating someone younger? Oh, we want someone who can still get an erection right, you don't mind dating someone younger?

Zara:

Oh, a little younger.

Chrystal:

Yeah, we want someone who can still get an erection right.

Rose:

So how old are you, zara? I'm 38. So 38. Okay, but we do want something serious.

Zara:

Did you know what I want? Somebody who likes to go to work.

Rose:

Yes, someone who's career driven.

Zara:

You can be a fucking bin man, boy. You can be a bin man as long as you're getting up and going to work every day, okay, yeah, we have talked about this.

Rose:

We were saying it doesn't matter if you're a tradie or a CEO, if you love what you do and you're driven and you're self-motivated.

Zara:

Motivation. Yes, I need a little bit of answer, though, but you don't want to be a fucking mother again.

Rose:

No no, no, no. Do you feel like you did that? You were a little bit of a. You mothered someone.

Zara:

But listen here, who doesn't mother their husband? I know, but it gets to the point where you're like oh be ass Like be ass Like fuck off.

Rose:

We spend our lives bringing up children. We want to fucking mother our husband as well. Yeah, like he had a fucking mother.

Chrystal:

No-transcript I have got a list of ten questions for you.

Rose:

Let's try.

Chrystal:

It is a list of would you rathers. Would you do the ball, would you rather?

Zara:

Can I please have the juice?

Chrystal:

I'm going to read out five, would you rathers and Rose is going to read out the other five and you have to give your honest answer.

Zara:

Okay.

Chrystal:

Would you rather have a sex playlist with classical music or hardcore rock? Oh, come on, that does not take that long.

Zara:

What Classical or hardcore rock. Hardcore rock, 100%, yes, but I feel like when you hit the high notes, you're like Are you joking me?

Chrystal:

She wants the ballerina classical.

Rose:

Oh, you want a Beethoven.

Zara:

Leads up the drama.

Rose:

Okay, okay, I want to rock.

Chrystal:

Right, we know you want to rock Rosie, are you okay? Girl, can I just remind you that you have to drive today, do I? Though? It's called Uber. We like to do that Right. Next one Would you rather be the big spoon or the little spoon?

Zara:

Oh none, oh God, Pick one. Oh Jesus, Little spoon.

Chrystal:

I like being the big spoon because I want to be dominating.

Rose:

Oh, you like being the big spoon? Yes, and also don't face me. I want to be dominating.

Chrystal:

Oh, you like being the big spoon? Yes, and also, don't face me. I want to be on your back.

Rose:

Oh, okay, yeah, okay, I can see that I love a leg over. Just want a little leg over. You want their leg on?

Zara:

you.

Rose:

Yeah, like leg me over, but then fuck off because I like to sleep.

Chrystal:

Oh, no, no.

Zara:

Well now, I sleep now with my head there and my feet there, like that way, so I don't know how anyone's going to share the beds with me?

Rose:

No, I think if you're going to manifest a man, you need to sleep on your fucking side.

Zara:

I'm going to bed.

Rose:

I'm a curly sleeper with like the little ADHD like roll my fucking oh.

Zara:

I do the T-Rex.

Rose:

Yes, the T-Rex hands yep, okay, next one.

Chrystal:

Would you rather have sex in a car or in a shower.

Rose:

A car In a car.

Chrystal:

Okay, interesting, Toot toot, chugger, chugger, big red car Gonna take you here or far. Don't know the words. We should because we've got kids. But anyway, Would you rather watch a threesome or be in a threesome? I knew she was going to say this. Remember. I said she was going to say neither yeah.

Zara:

I know.

Chrystal:

Zara. At least watch it, for Christ's sake.

Zara:

All right, I'll watch it, but what sex are we watching?

Chrystal:

A threesome Could be three guys.

Zara:

Three girls Could be man and woman and another woman, who knows I mean I'd rather watch Grey's Anatomy.

Chrystal:

Right answer. All right, rose is going for the next five. Okay, next five. The next five starts at this one here.

Rose:

Okay, oh okay. Would you rather morning sex or late night sex? I know the correct answer it's called both. Oh Okay. Would you rather someone who oh, this is a bit harsh. Would you rather someone Crystal, you're an asshole. Would you rather someone who is ugly and smart, or cute and dumb? Cute and dumb.

Chrystal:

Cute and dumb I thought she was going to say ugly and smart.

Rose:

I thought she needed the brain. No, I'm not. I want date. I want, like this is to date not to have sex with no. This is to date. Date.

Chrystal:

Would you date somebody who's ugly and smart, or cute and dumb?

Zara:

Yeah, but if they were dumb, they'd be funny because you'd be like that, oh yeah, and they'd be cute. Oh, he's talking again.

Rose:

Oh, he's talking again. Oh God, okay, okay, yeah, I love that. Would you rather only have sex in a bed for the rest of your life or never to be able to have sex in a bed ever again? Oh, give me the bed.

Chrystal:

Oh yeah, oh yeah, fair, I'd pick bed too. Yeah yeah.

Rose:

And lastly, would you rather have a cupboard full of sex toys or a cupboard full of sexy outfits, toys?

Zara:

I don't know what anyone's wearing.

Rose:

Yeah, I mean literally. Let's be honest, like the underwear is for others and the toys are for me, and maybe my partner if I feel like it.

Chrystal:

That was a good lot of would-you-rathers.

Rose:

I like that. Yeah, they were good. So, dating apps Do you have a type? Do you think Red flags?

Zara:

No, I mean. I mean I said I do, but what I don't know, because I've had two long term relationships and they've both been very similar like, yeah, toxic, I need to go away from what I think my type is you know what I mean?

Rose:

yeah, okay, but were they both driven in their work? One was first or second one yes, okay. And the other one you had to motivate, yeah, which is tiring seconds.

Zara:

Jesus christ. It was very unattractive to me as well so we don't have to talk about who.

Rose:

We're just going to say one of the relationships. It was very tiring to motivate them.

Zara:

Yeah, it weighed heavy on me because I am a grafter, Like I.

Rose:

Hold on. What are you? Are you a grafter? She's a hard worker, Like I like to wear. I love some of these scass terms.

Zara:

Oh, the shit they come up with in the salon.

Chrystal:

Half the time. I don't understand what she's saying.

Rose:

I love it, I've started translating her, actually I think you get some of them.

Zara:

Yeah, Poor Ali in the shop.

Rose:

They're like what's she saying, and I was like, oh, she just wants you to go get her a brush. But so one of the relationships you had to like almost they're working, but you're like come on, like have some motivation.

Chrystal:

Yeah, almost they're working. But you're like, come on, like have some motivation, like yeah, that's tiring and zara is so driven she bloody bust my balls. She's so driven in the salon which I love.

Rose:

I do find it attractive as well if somebody is self-motivated, not just to work, but self-motivated in their life, with ambition and goals. And I want to travel, I, I want to take you here, I want to do that. I think that's how.

Zara:

I got back because I literally pictured myself walking along the coast as if it had already happened. And like everyone around was like come on, Zart, it's been five fucking years, Like give it up. I didn't buy a car at home, I didn't buy a house. I didn't even have a phone on contract because I was like I am not having commitments here.

Rose:

I'm going back to Australia. To be honest with you. When they say people manifest it and they make fun of it, I disagree. She made no commitment to staying in the UK.

Zara:

I stayed in my mum's and do you know how hard that is when you've not lived at home for years and been in big relationships and had your own place. I was like I'm not moving out because I'm not staying here, I need to go back. I need to put it to bed and decide to leave on my own accord, or I'll go back and I'll be like I'm home. I've came back and I feel at home again.

Rose:

Yeah, it was meant to be.

Zara:

Yeah, it's just timing, what's it?

Rose:

Divine timing, divine timing, divine timing.

Chrystal:

It's going to be six months, like I don't know five months, right, whether you've been here. I got here in fucking February. No, she's been March, april, May Three months, shit. I feel like I've known you my whole life.

Rose:

I know it's weird, Like I think with certain friendships you just feel like Click, click, that's it.

Chrystal:

But I had been speaking to her for months and months. Yeah, yeah, because it took so long.

Rose:

Now, I believe we have brought some.

Chrystal:

We did. I brought some things, but, zara, you have to close your eyes for this one. Oh, I'm so fucking scared. Too bad, close your eyes. I was going to get a blindfold and I couldn't find anything, so just close your fucking eyes.

Rose:

Just close your eyes and don't look, and I'm going to have a little bit of dip. I don't know how people talk for this long and not eat.

Chrystal:

No, I also. Are you peaking you better, not? Okay? Right, I've got three objects here. I want you to have a feel of each object, and then I'm going to ask you which object you prefer.

Rose:

I'm going to show you the camera first. Okay, but these are everyday objects. I'll say Right.

Chrystal:

I'm going to give you one and I want you to feel it Go.

Zara:

It's cold. Get that away from me right now.

Rose:

Wait next one. Think about the width, the girth, the length. No, no to that one.

Zara:

All right, are these all?

Rose:

cucumbers. So we have given her three different signs. What the fuck? Sarah hates cucumbers. Do you hate cucumbers? She hates it. She gags over it. I'm allergic to it. You are not. I know I'm not, no, she's not, but she tells people.

Zara:

I say it when I go out, because somehow it always ends up in my fucking dinner.

Rose:

Okay, so she started telling people that she's allergic to cucumber, so that they don't actually put it in her food because she doesn. One is a slender beauty, one is a big fatty I thought that was a zucchini, I know. And then the other one is just your standard burpless, which is nice, long, smooth. But you know, like sometimes you don't.

Chrystal:

So if you were to pick a penis, which one would you go for? Would you go for something that's thick, something that's slender or something that is?

Rose:

long she's looking at me like she wants her. Which one? Or maybe the big little?

Zara:

girthy one, I think the zucchini Wow.

Chrystal:

That guy could do some damage Not in me, because I'm the size of a bloody eggplant, but you know, but I mean it depends Like you can strap a surfboard to me and just dive.

Rose:

Are you ready? Oh, I've had four kids Anyway. Nah, she's all right. Anyway, Nah, she's all right.

Zara:

Okay.

Rose:

Working on the pelvic floor, all right. What else have we got in the bag of tricks I got?

Chrystal:

No, stop looking, stop looking. I'm going to feed you two things now.

Zara:

Oh, it's not a cucumber, it's not. No, I would never do that to you.

Rose:

She's allergic. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Chrystal:

All right, close your eyes and you have to tell me if you were given this on a sexy date. It's not dirty, is?

Rose:

it? No, is it what?

Chrystal:

Although I see what she's about to give you and I want it as well, I want you to tell me on a sexy date if you were getting fed this, which would be your favourite thing, right? If I can get the fucking thing open.

Rose:

All right, pass me the other one and I'll crack it open.

Chrystal:

Is it an egg on a sexy date? Come on, all right.

Rose:

Hold a second.

Zara:

I'm excited because Okay, wait, what's that?

Chrystal:

noise. Okay, here we go.

Zara:

Number one this is, oh, it is crystal sexy, let's do sexy, hi Zara if she could, she actually could be on a phone line.

Rose:

Yeah, listen.

Chrystal:

Zara, welcome to my bedroom. Lay on my bed and undress yourself.

Zara:

I'm gonna feed you some sensual food right hold a second.

Chrystal:

Open your mouth. Okay, I'm going to feed you some essential food Right. Hold a second Open your mouth.

Rose:

It's not disgusting, I swear to God. Is it no Ready? Oh, open those big juicy lips of yours. Oh, she's dripping. Does that turn you on? Zara, this voice, I can't. The next one.

Chrystal:

Right, close your eyes. Let you finish that first.

Rose:

Okay, now you've just got to trust and open your mouth nice and wide Enough for that girthy cucumber. Okay, tip your head back. What the fuck? It's a game of trust.

Zara:

I'm scared.

Rose:

Swallow, darling, swallow it, it's dairy.

Zara:

It's dairy swallow darling. Oh my god, she got it. She was shitting on the way home.

Chrystal:

Oh, hold on, lick that off.

Rose:

Oh, I forgot, you can't eat dairy guys, we've got a diarrhea situation. Yeah, look, she's going to vomit into the bin.

Zara:

No, she's not going to vomit Shit. How did we not remember I got some in my hair. It's not dirty, is it? No, no, no.

Rose:

Well, you are in charge of the dairy Hold on, well, I can eat dairy. No, you can't I really dairy. Hold on, well, I can eat dairy. No, you can't. I really can't. You really can't. I like it, though I've got problems.

Chrystal:

Oh, no, what's the point? Don't give it to me. I already had a dairy swirl last night.

Rose:

I love cheese, I love cream, it's so good.

Zara:

Let me have this a little bit delicious and nutritious. I would never choose to eat that sort of shit.

Rose:

Yeah, but see, okay, so it goes to show that things that look like dairy also shouldn't go in your mouth, or?

Zara:

not, that is it all over. It's a little bit on your chin what do I do with this now? Put in the bin. Oh look how much she like, like when she laughs. She cried, remember the back?

Chrystal:

oh funny oh god, I'll tell you what us three together it's not okay.

Rose:

It's not okay. Anyway, this probably won't be our last time. We'll be chatting with Zara. She has had a wild wild ride into Perth again, society Into society. Coming out of COVID being a gorgeous introvert, she's going into the dating scene again. It is tough.

Chrystal:

I don't know how you're meant to do it though. All right, sorry, zara, quickly. One of my friends runs like these events in Perth and she is doing a singles event I would like to send you. I will pay for your ticket. I will pay for your ticket. I will sponsor you once again, and I'm just coming for content. Will you go when?

Rose:

is it though.

Chrystal:

And guess who's hosting it? Billie from Maths oh, would you go. Would, you go. Where is it? I'm not going to tell you any details because I don't want you to say no, but what is it? It's a singles night. It's like a singles quiz night. It's meant to be fun drink.

Rose:

Do they have like age demographic on this? Yes, it was 35 plus. Okay, what we've also got here is, as you know, zara is from liverpool. We call her a scouser, is it so? Yeah, I'm a scouser, scouser, oh no, iouser Scouser, I love it All.

Zara:

Scousers are, you know? No, not even that. Some of the words I say in where?

Rose:

We don't know, we don't understand.

Zara:

Even when I say I'm going on my dinner, when she says like for lunch.

Chrystal:

I'm going on dinner and I'm like fucking dinner's at 6pm. Bitch, you're going on dinner.

Zara:

And then you have tea, and then they have me tea.

Chrystal:

Yeah, so dinner is lunch. And then tea is dinner Dinner, what we call dinner. That makes so much sense to me.

Rose:

So she has a list of words here for us.

Chrystal:

No, that does not make sense to me at all.

Rose:

Tea is I'm going to have a cup of tea, or tea would be dinner for her.

Chrystal:

Oh yeah, I've heard of tea for dinner. I'm making tea.

Rose:

I keep spitting like, and then you would what.

Zara:

And then you'd have. Maybe you'd have your supper.

Rose:

Oh, supper. Okay, so Zara's got a list of words for us.

Zara:

Okay, so some of these words.

Rose:

Okay, go, and we're going to try and guess them.

Zara:

I won't say a few of them, but then I'll tell you my favourite Scouse word that's some of me Scouse mates, love me. Scouse favorite skulls weird that some of me skulls me love and we're gonna have to decipher it. Okay, all right go.

Rose:

So what do you think? Go ahead means what a wed go ahead, go ahead like have.

Zara:

Go ahead yes, all right, yes, um go ahead girl like go on, go get it.

Rose:

Yeah, oh yeah. But what is it? Go ahead, go ahead, go ed, go ed, like go-E-D, go ahead, go ahead, like go ahead. But it's like go ahead, but we shorten everything, don't we? Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

Zara:

I can get that. I can get that. I can get that. Yep, do you? We call KFC the KF.

Rose:

So you've lost the chicken, it's just the Kentucky Fried.

Zara:

The Kentucky Fried we lose the C but add the.

Rose:

The Kentucky Fried. The KF, the KF.

Chrystal:

The KF. You want to go for some the KF.

Zara:

No, we just say let's go to KF, oh, let's go to KF, and we put that in front of like shops, like the way you, you just go, I'm going to go Aldi. I'd have to say I'm going to go the Aldi.

Rose:

Oh, I'm going to the Aldi. I've heard her say that I like the Facebook.

Zara:

What the fuck's the Facebook? She's not even on it.

Rose:

Next one.

Zara:

Opening.

Rose:

Also, Zara doesn't do technologies I am a technifer, she's got bloody an iPhone 1, for Christ's sake. I am, it's going to be our mission to get her an app, so next one Imagine me on a fucking app. All right, I do.

Zara:

Right next one, Belter.

Chrystal:

That's good. That's amazing, it's good.

Zara:

I love that. That's a belter, something of like an approval yeah. Okay, yep, I can understand, I'm not going to say that one. Okay, scran.

Rose:

Scran Put it in context.

Zara:

Let's go for a scran.

Chrystal:

Oh, let's go for a drink.

Zara:

No.

Rose:

Let's go for a, a fight, a meal, a scran.

Chrystal:

Let's go for a meal. If I said to Rose Rose, let's go for a scran, that means let's go for a fight, I thought we were going to get fucked up.

Zara:

No, let's go for a scran. Okay, I mean, I wouldn't say this. I'm reading this off this phone. What would you say? These are like scousey words. Right, these are scousey words, okay, if someone is A knob, no, a W-L-L L, yeah, a wolf.

Rose:

Like a lamb, like a wolf. Yeah, survival, you're a knob.

Zara:

They're a wolf, a knob.

Chrystal:

Like a dickhead. It's stupid.

Zara:

No, it's like people who aren't from Liverpool Are a wolf, so I'm a wolf. They're from Liverpool, but they live just outside Liverpool, that's racist.

Chrystal:

You're a wool. You're a black sheep.

Zara:

Yeah, you're a black sheep, he's a wool. No, but they're just like woolly backs. Why are they.

Rose:

That did not help the explanation whatsoever.

Zara:

They're a wool you don't want to be a wool.

Rose:

So people that aren't from north of the river would be a wool.

Zara:

Yes and don't say the same thing If someone's a ming Yucky.

Rose:

They're a minger, they're ugly.

Zara:

Yeah, it just means like someone who's like.

Rose:

Gross, not cool. Oh, but they're a ming, you're a ming A ming, you know.

Zara:

Yeah, but Aussies have that. You're a minger, no, but we used to say this it's probably not great to sing Get a ming, get a mong, get a mef gone wrong.

Rose:

I love that. So how about you? What are something that you would say You're a ming, you're a mong, you're a mef gone wrong. It's a mef. A mef, not a wef. No, a mef, a mef gone wrong. What a fe.

Chrystal:

Meth.

Rose:

Oh, not a weft, because you're a hairdresser, you're a weft gone wrong. Eh, fe, fe Meth, I can't understand it right now.

Zara:

A mef yeah, not even a mef. A mef is like someone scruffy, so you go get a ming, get a mong, get a mef gone wrong.

Rose:

See, that wouldn't make sense if we knew what a mef was. I twacky Twacky.

Zara:

And twacky and twacky, what does? And? Twacky mean so like it's a bit like dated, not good, oh and twacky bastard.

Chrystal:

Oh, I know a few and twackies actually.

Zara:

One of my besties is she. It's her favourite Scouse word and twacky, I see it a lot. She says it a lot. She says ue a lot. What is ue? I started saying it at work now. Ue, it's like what? Like huh, oh my god no.

Chrystal:

Ue yeah ue. I started saying it at work now, so what?

Rose:

would that have been if it wasn't short Ue? It would be like what do you mean? It would be like go away.

Zara:

Go away, go away. Oh, I can hear where it's coming from. Away, tell me some juicy gag.

Rose:

Maybe, yeah, okay, I get it. I get it, oh God, okay Like that Like oh. God.

Zara:

You know why? It's just dawned on me.

Rose:

I lived across the road from a guy from Liverpool when I was growing up. He used to go hiya, hiya, like hello, oh, that's hiya. For years and me and my brother, hiya, me and my he's the nicest guy. Oh, my God, god bless his soul.

Chrystal:

Do you guys know something's wrong?

Rose:

with him. No, he's just died. Sorry, I've got to. He was the nicest guy and he used to see my brother and go hiya. We didn't know what he was saying Hi there. Yeah, we didn't know Hi.

Zara:

Yeah.

Rose:

Hi, yeah, hi, yeah. We used to say me and my brother started saying when we used to see him we'd go Because we had no fucking idea what he was saying for years. Well, that's nice, you replied. We did, cause we knew it was white. Well, he was from another land and we used to just go. I thought he was German. Oh shit, I thought Hitler, no, not like that, like as in higher like.

Zara:

Higher, higher, like higher, kind of.

Rose:

Yeah, I thought he was German, or I thought something.

Zara:

I-Y-A, i-y-a. So it's not even higher.

Rose:

No, it's higher, higher. I feel like I've learnt something. This man just passed away last week, not even joking, so it's his whole life, his whole life. I thought he was saying hi there and he's saying hi there.

Chrystal:

Right, guys, we need to wrap this party up. This has been a bloody party and a half. That tequila bottle is half empty.

Rose:

We're going on a new tangent, completely.

Chrystal:

Listen, we're going to keep you guys updated because I am going to fucking buy a ticket to this singles party. I'm going to make her go and I'm just going to film her.

Zara:

Are you just going to come with me? I'll be a wee woman, we're not single.

Rose:

We can't go. We'll send another single with you. We'll send Amy.

Chrystal:

Yeah, she'll leave me, it's fine. We'll send somebody, it's fine. You're going to go and we're going to get her on Tinder. No, we're not, we are. She's got no choice in this matter.

Zara:

I'll fucking set you up a profile with your photo and everything it's awkward If I see a profile picture and someone has a vest on or a picture with a dog. I'd die.

Rose:

Or a tooth gem. No tooth gem. You cannot be an American with a tooth gem, or else you're out Swipe right or left.

Chrystal:

I don't know what it is.

Rose:

But, I feel you, like my girlfriend had her. Is it hinge? Yeah, it's hinge. She went out on a night out with her girlfriends like us, they are not single. They set her hinge profile up. I looked after her daughter that night. She came home I said just let me see, I've never seen a dating profile before she shows me They've set it up as likes you have to answer questions on him. I didn't know that there's like a list of questions like your best skill. I mean it's so awkward. Come on and she's like can dance the night away something cringy.

Zara:

I was like oh okay, I swipe left.

Rose:

They've put her actual address in. Oh see that. I come on, put your chin away, I swipe left. They've put her actual address in. Oh my God. They put her suburb in. They've put in that she works in a certain job, like a certain job. Then they put then it puts it has a drug section occasionally, and then there's a picture of weed. She doesn't do that. Oh my God, I was laughing so fucking hard.

Rose:

Yeah, it'd be funny to do for your friend, but it's fucking dangerous. And then swipe next. It's like love's fucking long walks on the bed. You have to answer. You have to answer a certain amount of questions. Oh me, I don't know what I'm doing. She's like get me the phone. She's like delete it.

Chrystal:

Delete it. Oh, oh shit. On another note, I'm going to be setting it up and we're going to make the profile. We have to do a better profile than that. Oh for sure, we're going to make you girls' most eligible bachelorette of Perth.

Zara:

Oh God.

Chrystal:

Well, you can talk Right. Okay, we need to wrap this up, but, zara, it has been an absolute pleasure. You are the biggest party popper, party popper. I don't know if that's a good word either, I don't know. She does love to party Party. What was the segment? Party animal Party animal Firecracker.

Rose:

What did you say? I don't know.

Chrystal:

Listen anyways guys half the time I don't know what the hell she's saying, but I love her dearly and I love every minute of you being in my salon and in my life. Thank you so much for coming on the pot. We can't wait to do many more adventures with you.

Rose:

We are wishing you nothing but the best for this third round in Perth, and this is the one Third time is a charm, that's right, Until then, everybody look after yourselves and I said it in a different way. So take care of each other and look after each other. What the hell Right, we're done. Bye, guys, Bye. Also, look after yourself and each other, yeah.

People on this episode

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Chrystal Russell

Host
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Rose Oates

Host