Baring it All with Rose and Chrystal
Welcome to Baring It All with Rose and Chrystal. The podcast is where they deep-dive unfiltered into all things motherhood, mental health, and everything in between—as two women navigating life.
Think of it like your two best friends learning, asking questions about things they wish they knew sooner, laughing and supporting each other through life's ups and downs.
They want to get to know you more about each other and our bodies in general; sometimes it gets emotional, other times spicy, and most of the time their minds are in the gutter.
Join the ride as they unpack taboo topics, chat about everyday life, learn and talk with incredible guests and industry professionals who have been through it, baring it all by sharing their stories.
Baring it All with Rose and Chrystal
Baring it All - Chrystal's Story; Life without Dad
Let's Chat! send us a message, question or a confession to unpack!
What happens when the person who lights up every room hides an insurmountable darkness? Join us for a deeply personal episode as Chrystal reveals the heart-wrenching story of losing her father, Dwayne, whose humour and magnetic personality masked deep internal struggles - which led to him taking his own life.
Chrystal recounts their final conversation, the missed signs of distress, and the night that ended in tragedy. This episode we talk together about grief, life after loss and bringing to light the critical importance of mental health awareness and the often-overlooked signs that someone may be suffering silently.
Through Chrystal's eyes, we explore the emotional toll of Dwayne's struggles following his separation, and shedding light on the societal stigma that surrounds male vulnerability. We discuss the urgent need to foster more open emotional expression, especially among men, and the role we all play in combating toxic masculinity. Her harrowing account of waking up to news of a fire on her Dad's street, the panic, and the heartbreak of seeing their family home in flames, while coming to grips with the realisation of what happened that followed is a stark reminder of the profound and immediate impact of mental health crises.
Navigating the aftermath of such a profound loss, Chrystal takes us through her emotional journey of grief, it's different stages, coping with trauma, and breaking the silence around suicide. Chrystal opens up around the trauma it's caused since and the triggers she faces in her daily life since losing her Dad. She shares intimate details of packing away precious memories, the discovery of her father's journal, and the struggle for closure. Ending on a hopeful note, we emphasize the significance of reaching out for support, checking in on loved ones, and embracing life despite its inevitable challenges. This episode is a powerful testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the importance of compassion, understanding, and open dialogue in the face of unimaginable loss.
We both want to remind you that you are not alone and that are worthy always and if you are struggling don't hesitate to reach out to those around you, family, friends, or a professional.
If you need professional support, please contact your doctor, local health centre or one of the services listed below. Family and friends can also call upon these services for advice and assistance on how to support someone who is struggling with life.
If you are having suicidal thoughts, or need to talk please seek assistance by contacting your trusted healthcare professional or calling
Lifeline on 13 11 14 .
Call Lifeline 24/7 for crisis support and suicide prevention services. Text support is also available: 0477 13 11 14.
Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636
Call Beyond Blue 24/7 for advice, referral and support from a trained mental health professional.
Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467
The Suicide Call Back Service offers 24
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Rose Oates
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Chrystal Russell
@chrystalrussell_
And don’t forget to take care of yourself and each other -
With Love Rose & Chrystal x
Welcome back to another episode of Bearing it All with Rose and Crystal. Today is a personal one. It's just going to be me and you. We're going to be chatting deep about something very, very close to your heart and mine, because I love you, and so most of you know Crystal. If you don't follow her on Instagram or have listened to our potty, I will give you a little bit of a background about her. She is a wonderful human being. She is a real boss bitch, a business owner. She was in the events industry prior to owning her salon, Halo Hair. She's a wife and a mum of two, and two years ago she lost her dad Dwayne. Now, before we go on, I will let you know that this conversation will be discussing suicide, so just a warning before we proceed. So two years ago she lost her dad Dwayne to suicide, and the road following that has never been the same, has it.
Speaker 1:It hasn't so getting started. Let's just actually hear a little bit about your dad first.
Speaker 4:He was the light of my life and, I would say, most of the people in his life, and it typically is true that they say that people who are predominantly funny out there crazy, know how to have a good time sometimes battle some demons. We've seen this in celebrities who have taken their lives, um, you know, like robin williams, yes, which I'll always reflect back to him because I feel like they're very similar yeah um, but he definitely felt for a battle that I wasn't aware of. But yeah, he was just.
Speaker 1:He was larger than life, wasn't he?
Speaker 4:He just he couldn't walk into a room and you not notice him. Like he made sure that he, whether it was with a wig on, dressed as a female or just himself, like you would not be able to not notice him he did?
Speaker 1:he lit up a room. He always had something fun to say. He was very warm like, made everyone feel comfortable. Um, from all the times that I've met him, he's incredibly funny full of inappropriate jokes too my kind of guy really he.
Speaker 4:You either loved him or you didn't.
Speaker 1:That's right. Yeah, we don't. We're not here to be liked by everyone at the end of the day. So I can completely resonate with you when you say, like your dad and then Robin Williams and people that struggle, you often don't know, and I mean it really hits home because those people bring so much joy and light to other people's life.
Speaker 1:Yet they hide what they're going going through and it's so important to think about mental health and know that there are so many people around us that are suffering, and I can definitely say hand on heart that some of my darkest times in my life I did it with a smile.
Speaker 1:So I think it's very common yes, all right, so let's just get into it. Babe, tell me about the day that it happened. Oh, I know I was like let's just like buy the bullet here, what it take me through the like you. What did you do? Were you asleep?
Speaker 4:so take me through that morning.
Speaker 4:I had actually spoken to my dad the night before, okay, and he was meant to come over for dinner and we kept on having conversations back and forth. I think it was over text, saying are you going to still pop over? And he was like, yeah, I will, after I have a shower, da, da da. Anyways, he just didn't come and I think he called me and he said I think it was quite late at this point, it might have been 10 or 11 at night and he said should I come over now? I want to see the kids. And I was like they're in bed already. Dad, it was actually school holidays at this time, so my kids didn't go to bed at normal bedtime, so he would have thought maybe they still might be awake.
Speaker 4:I was like they're both in bed and he was like I'll just come and play a game of Monopoly with them and it was 11 o'clock, 10 or 11 at night it was quite late, and I just remember at the time I didn't really think anything of it yeah but I was like no, dad, they're in bed anyways, he not. That he wasn't a soppy kind of guy, because we were still very aware that he loved us and all the rest of it. Yes, he was a cuddler, but not full on. You wouldn't really get to. You knew that he loved you without the affection, if that makes sense.
Speaker 4:Yes yep, and that night he said a few things to me that now, when I think about it, they were red flags that I probably should have picked up on. What did he? Do you mind me asking? Just expressing his love for me. He expressed that I was one of his greatest achievements in life.
Speaker 1:Oh, Now, when I he was almost. Oh God, that gives me goosebumps.
Speaker 4:Yeah, it was Like it's almost his way of saying goodbye it was like he was saying goodbye. He wanted me to know that obviously he loved me and Like yep. Yeah, and I just didn't see. I was like, oh, stop being cheesy, I know you love me. Yeah. I just didn't think, because in a million years did I ever think.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 4:That dad was going to ever take his life.
Speaker 1:Yeah, oh God, I'm still getting goosebumps. We've spoken about this openly before. I didn't know that he wanted to come around and see the kids.
Speaker 4:Yeah, and even though wanting to play Monopoly, that probably should have been a red flag for me as well, because why did he want to play Monopoly with them at 10, 11 at night?
Speaker 1:He wanted to have that like last connection with them 10, 11 at night. He wanted to have that like last connection with them. So when you say like you had no idea that he was capable of this, did he show signs of mental health or depression to you prior to? This like when was this the most evident for you?
Speaker 4:so struggling without going into too much details, my parents had separated in December. Okay, it was a week before Christmas, I think it was roughly a week before Christmas. That year was probably the saddest year for my for my family as well, yeah, um, you know, no separation of parents is ever, I would say, I don't think it's ever that nice. So Christmas, christmas was a very different farce.
Speaker 1:Did you see that coming with your parents as well?
Speaker 4:I knew that things were happening behind the scenes, but it was always kind of like they'll get over it. Yeah. They'll get back together, kind of thing. But I think this time it was a definite, it was over.
Speaker 1:It was over. So when did they officially break up then?
Speaker 4:definite it was over, it was over. So when was when did they officially break up then? Um, when she left, which was, um, yeah, the a week before Christmas, a week before Christmas and I think, even I don't think mum thought he was going to be the way he was yeah um, but Christmas. I just remember dad slept over and there wasn't going to be a mum and dad at Christmas.
Speaker 1:And there's been a mum and dad at Christmas For your whole life, my whole life, so for 38 years, so for me and my kids, and for dad it was almost a depressing Christmas to be honest, Yep yep, it was very fresh.
Speaker 4:He was sad, everybody was kind of sad Anyways. Yep, it was very fresh, he was sad, everybody was kind of sad. Anyways, I just remember looking at it. I think I was making Christmas breakfast and I looked outside and he was at the outdoor table and he was just crying. He was crying and crying. Oh. And he was trying to drink his coffee and I couldn't help but just stare at him. Yeah, I just was in the feels Like it was. It also broke my heart.
Speaker 1:It's also hard to see your parent someone that you admire so much, because I know how close you are to your dad to see them in pain, but also because he's such a strong person, like not that he didn't cry, but it would be very rare if he cried Like he cried at my wedding. You just didn't see him cry all that often it was so much their generation, wasn't it like my be strong?
Speaker 4:don't show that you're weak, all of that kind of thing. So I think that's when it really became apparent to me that he was not doing well yep um, there was a lot of crying yep. And I think because he was such that strong kind of person, to see him crying all the time did make me think he's not doing so well.
Speaker 1:Yeah, mentally, you knew something was going on with his mental health. You just didn't know how far Because. So, from what I remember, from the time of the official sort of your mum moving out, it was roughly a month later that he took his own life. Yeah, so pretty much, yeah, a month, a month. So you'd never really seen it growing up or in your childhood.
Speaker 4:he wasn't really you know really, suffered to be honest, like I never really saw any of it and I don't know if it was, whether, like both of them, mum and dad, dad kind of protected us from, maybe from. What I've been made aware of is that he had suffered mental health probably his whole life. Yep. But I was never aware of it and I don't know if it was a bit of like shame and embarrassment behind it.
Speaker 1:Yep, but you know, after the separation, dad ended up in Royal Perth in the mental health ward okay um, he was in there for about a week, I think did he go to the hospital himself or did someone help him?
Speaker 4:my sister made the call yep um, she saw a bit of some erratic behavior that I actually didn't see. Yep, um, and it was scary for her. So she made the call, which I'm grateful that she did because he needed to speak to somebody and it was forced upon him because he was not the type of person that was just going to go check in and be like, hey, I'm not doing well.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. Not only was it not their generation, though, carissa, I think they, like you know. I know my dad doesn't fucking want to talk about that stuff, but it's a male thing as well. Yeah, I think you gave me the statistics not too long ago. Like it's like, the majority of suicides in Australia per year are male 70%.
Speaker 4:Yeah, and that's massive.
Speaker 1:They're not talking about it. They're not expressing their feels. They're not talking about it. They're not expressing their feels. I don't think society still doesn't make them feel like they can express their feelings without being seen as less of a man.
Speaker 4:Yeah. You know there's a toxic masculinity.
Speaker 1:Horrible yeah.
Speaker 4:Something we definitely need to stop with our children. Yeah, I have that conversation with my son all the time. Yep, I think that we need to be open about our emotions. So, anyways, he was in the mental health ward and, from what I could tell, there wasn't much or any talk of suicide. It was more that he was struggling with the marriage breakup.
Speaker 4:Yep, I think there was like a little bit in there of like having few suicidal thoughts yeah but he went through a lot of um, I don't want to say testing, but like they put him through a bit when he was in there, I guess to make sure that if they released him that he wasn't going to be any kind of harm to himself or anybody else.
Speaker 1:I mean that's good that they did that at the end of the day, but I think as well, even for you and cam Cam, your sister, like you know, you're thinking, oh my God, okay, they've just been through a marriage breakup. Of course he's going to be really upset. Yeah, Of course he may have suicidal thoughts. Well, I suppose not. But you might be able to not dismiss it but go. I kind of understand that. Obviously he's so sad that he's never felt like that?
Speaker 4:Who's not gone through a breakup and been like? I wish I was dead? Let's be honest here. I hear it all the time and I'm not saying that it doesn't mean they're going to do it, but most of the time it is a form of, like expressing your emotion.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like they don't know how to get it out. Yeah.
Speaker 4:So I don't think he ever said to me I want to kill myself, yep, I don't think he ever said that. I think he had thoughts of like how am I going to do this without her? I wish I was dead, kind of thing. I don't think.
Speaker 4:Yeah so that's how you guys were hearing it too. It didn't feel to me like I should be worried. No, that's fair, but obviously so. Then me and my sister had a meeting with the head person of the department, who'd done all you know, talking with him and so-so, and they said look, we don't think that there's anything to worry about. Okay. But they had to release him into one of our care for a week. Yeah, that's fair, he was desperate to get out. I just remember going there and he was just like making fun.
Speaker 1:So did he stay with you.
Speaker 4:He came. Yeah, he came straight away. We decided that he would come with me because my sister had two small kids at that time. It was just going to be easier and he actually wanted to come with me anyways. But the whole time he was in hospital making jokes about the room and the food he was getting, and it was still very lighthearted, even though, like he was in a mental health like ward Yep, that to me is quite serious but he was still kind of like making jokes about it.
Speaker 3:He was still masking it. Yeah, he was still protecting you guys, and that like somebody was going with him to have a cigarette.
Speaker 4:He's like I don't need to be watched, I'm having a cigarette, yep, fun about it anyway. So he came out and was with me and he was like, honestly, like I just want to say he was fine, like he seemed fine to me.
Speaker 1:He didn't seem like anything was really so I mean that's fair because honestly I, like I said, I think you've gone through a breakup. Anyone would be probably at one of the lowest points of their life, like, especially your mum and dad have been together since what they'd be like 17 my mum was like 16 17.
Speaker 4:Dad might have been like 19, 20 that's my point. It was one of their fresher, like relationships that were quite serious. I think that would have been their first serious relationship and they say together they had kids quite young, like, I think, my mom had me when she was turning 19, so she was 18, turning 19 so there was a huge.
Speaker 1:There's huge amounts of history there. They've only been realistically with each other their whole lives. It's a massive thing, so it's only fair that you would be like okay, dad's really, but he's got reason to be All right.
Speaker 4:So I guess that day it's like still a bit of a blur. But I remember my husband waking me up and somebody had sent him a message saying Dav, there's a house on your in-laws street on fire. Do you want to make sure it's not their house? And so Davin then woke me up and he said Chris, there's a fire on your parents' street, call your dad. What time was this? I want to say 5, 5.30 in the morning. Okay.
Speaker 1:Did you call him Quite early?
Speaker 4:I called him and his phone was off, okay, and I just kept on calling and calling, and calling and calling and I just kept going to his voicemail and I wasn't. I still didn't think, I still didn't think it was him, but I was shaking you had a, you started to feel.
Speaker 4:I started to feel like questions were going through my head. Is it their house? What's happened Then? Pretty much short after that, I think we were getting ready to just drive there anyway, like we'll just go see, and then my phone rang and it was a police officer. Were you at home I was at home. Okay.
Speaker 4:This part irritates me so badly when I think about it, because I was not asked where I was, if I was driving, if I was at home, if I was alone. I was not asked any of these questions, which I think would have been important to ask somebody when you're about to land something on them. That's going to particularly ruin their life. Okay, I was then said that I was a contact left and that there was a deceased man at the house.
Speaker 4:And that was your parents' address it was my parents' address, so he'd said there's a deceased man at so-and-so this house.
Speaker 1:Did they ask you to come they?
Speaker 4:said is that your parents' address? And I said yes, and then that was the last word that I could even speak. I could not speak. I was hysterically crying, shaking, screaming. My kids were still in bed and my husband had to run out and I just couldn't talk anymore and he just took the phone off of me and said, like who is this? What's happened? I don't remember how I got got. I know that we got in the car but I don't remember any of the drive.
Speaker 1:I don't really remember the drive. How far away is it?
Speaker 4:10 minutes less.
Speaker 1:It's like a blur it was a blur that's exactly.
Speaker 4:I just kept thinking this isn't this, how this is not happening yeah, it's surreal at this point it is important the fact that you said you could have been like what if you were driving. I would have had a car accident Like how, if I was alone, like imagine being on my own, hearing that.
Speaker 1:I know, I think there has to be.
Speaker 4:I know that police I have like respect for it and everything, but I know they do it every day and they've become a little bit desensitized but I think they're dealing with a human who you know for me there has to be some sort of protocol.
Speaker 1:I would hate to think if that person was alone or wasn't sitting down or was driving.
Speaker 4:I I kept on thinking if I was driving I would have driven off the road like, and had an accident you would have. I would have gone into the back of somebody else Like I was in hysterics.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So you got to the house and what is the first thing you see?
Speaker 4:We actually couldn't get into the street. It had been blocked off. So police had blocked off the street and, as sickening as it is, people were trying to get there to film it, to film the house burning down. Now at this point I just knew that I couldn't get into the street. We'd pulled up in the next street, which there was a park between two streets yeah so we parked on the other side of the street and we just went across, walked across.
Speaker 4:I didn't walk, I ran yep um, and I just remember my husband and some police officers having to hold me back because I wanted to run into the fire were you trying to get into the house? I wanted to go into the house. There was probably about. It's so hard to even remember. I wanted to go into the house. There was probably about it's so hard to even remember, but I know there was definitely more than two fire trucks there.
Speaker 1:Was the whole house. I know this is a blaze.
Speaker 4:So when I had gotten there it had already been on fire for maybe an hour, so pretty much it was a shell, and at this point the roof was starting to collapse.
Speaker 1:And this was the family home.
Speaker 4:Family home that I had lived in since I was about 13. So lots of memories there, my kids' Christmas is there so much?
Speaker 1:There's a lot to take in. There's like so much in that moment as well.
Speaker 4:But in that moment I wasn't thinking about any of that stuff.
Speaker 1:You thought about him.
Speaker 4:I just kept thinking that he was, that they'd got it wrong, that he was going to be alive inside, yeah, and I was hyperventilating to the point of being sick. Yep, um, and I just remember screaming dad, dad, like just screaming wanting him to come out, basically, or him to hear me. I know that I had been told that he was deceased, but I'm thinking the house is on fire. How? Do you know?
Speaker 4:How do you know? How do you know he's not under something and he's okay? I didn't realise the extent of the damage of the fire. The house was just nothing, nothing was left. There was a news crew there filming and I just remember my husband saying to me stand up, stand up, they're filming. They're filming, like I guess for him he was worried that, you know, I was in such a mess, like I guess he was worried that this was going to be aired on TV and not that it would be. Well, it might be embarrassing for me, I don't know. He was worried, um, but then I did see, or I was told that the police had told them look at this point, they knew that it was a suicide, yeah, um, and for them to leave that's thank god.
Speaker 1:Yeah, thank god.
Speaker 4:I think it's still it still was on the news and it was still on all the Facebook groups, but they didn't mention that it was a suicide. I think it still was on the news and it was still on all the Facebook groups, but they didn't mention that it was a suicide. I think they just had mentioned that it was a house fire and a loss of life.
Speaker 1:Was there some point that you needed, something that you needed to see to actually make it real? I?
Speaker 4:wanted to see his body. Yep, um, and I kept on asking and begging them anyways. In between, I ended up having to go into an ambulance and be put on oxygen. I couldn't keep. I couldn't breathe properly. Um, I got myself so worked up that the ambulance um drivers were like if you don't settle your breathing down, you're going to end up in hospital. Because my blood pressure was through the roof and I couldn't get my breathing to regulate, like it was very I can't even describe it, it's still very much a blur but I just remember them being like slow breaths in and out and that just wasn't happening and I was getting angry because I was like you don't even know how I'm feeling right now.
Speaker 4:You can't tell me how to breathe, like it's my body reacting? Yes, anyways. Um, my dad had, he had a trailer and he had packed his entire trailer and car with whatever objects he thought would have been wanted by people. Important things, yeah, important things, majority of it being my stuff, and also his DJ equipment that he obviously couldn't let go.
Speaker 1:He was like I'm not partying with that, no.
Speaker 4:I wish there were other things of his that I just think he just wasn't thinking about any of that.
Speaker 1:Crystal's dad was a part-time DJ as well.
Speaker 4:He loved to DJ and make people laugh, and just he was an entertainer.
Speaker 1:He was an entertainer Anyways. When did your mum and sister find out? Did they come down? They?
Speaker 4:knew. I think Davin had let my mum know that morning. They knew, I think Davin had let my mum know that morning. I think they knew quite early, but I think to the extent of what they had been told by family who lived in the area not to come there because it was quite a traumatic scene to look at One, your house is on fire and two, you've lost a family member. Yes, so they didn't actually come and witness any of the things that I did, which has been humongous for me in my life because that day replayed for a long time.
Speaker 1:I think it still does you have your moments even it does, those traumatic moments.
Speaker 4:I don't know that I I was dreaming about him being in a fire for months after Months. I would see his face in flames for months and months and I kept thinking about what did his body look like?
Speaker 3:it was quite a lot for me yeah, um, but anyways.
Speaker 4:So he had actually written on his front windscreen. Um, he'd put a piece of paper in his front windscreen and it said please call my daughter and my phone number, and I think he had my sister's phone number underneath. Yeah, so he'd left he left.
Speaker 1:He was ready, he was, he was doing this. The fact he packed everything into the trailer, he'd really meticulously gone through the house and did he get like photo albums or anything like that photos um my mom's cookbooks, um anything any bits of mine like.
Speaker 3:I had like some old memorabilia from when I was a teenager Photos my mum's cookbooks, anything.
Speaker 4:He felt Any bits of mine Like I had like some old memorabilia from when I was a teenager, like CDs and just some stuff that would have been in my old bedroom. Yep. Some of the passed away, like granny's things, all my teacups that were there. He had hand-wrapped them all.
Speaker 1:So they weren't previously hand-wrapped.
Speaker 4:No they were just sitting on like this cabinet in a spare room, so he'd gone in there. Hand-wrapped them. Hand-wrapped all of them into a box.
Speaker 1:Did he leave a note?
Speaker 4:He left a journal, pretty much. It was a very thick A4 journal back-to-back and I think he'd already started this prior. It's very reading it. I'm very aware that this is something that he'd been journaling.
Speaker 1:It was a lot. Hey, there was a lot of writing in there.
Speaker 4:He'd been journaling, I think, for quite a while about his feelings and then the last obviously 24 hours or whatever, he'd written a decent I want to say 10 to 20 pages Very full on stuff Like it's. At first when I read it it didn't really make sense, but the more I've read it over the time it's almost like it's cryptic.
Speaker 4:Like he'd written a lot of it in song lyrics as well. He was very musical. Yes, I know to like some people they might think, oh, that's a bit weird, but for him to write in lyrics is like his life. He listened to music every day of his life. He was really into music. He connected with music.
Speaker 1:It does make sense to me that some songs they have a feeling or a meaning.
Speaker 4:Why do you think music is written? It's a breakup song, or it's a wedding song, or we connect to music, and I think so. Bohemian Rhapsody is a song that he had written his life in, and this is why, whenever we hear this song, we always like do a little tribute to him.
Speaker 1:We're like, hey, Dwayne, what?
Speaker 4:you doing. That was his song. He loved Freddie Mercury like loved.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because he was wild.
Speaker 4:Like if dad was going to turn gay, he would turn gay for Freddie Mercury. Like loved yeah, because he was wild. Like if dad was going to turn gay, he would turn gay for Freddie Mercury. My mum and dad went on a cruise and they had like a guy what is it called? Like a, you know, when they dress up like them and they reenact all the songs and yeah, like an impersonator, yeah like a tribute impersonator.
Speaker 4:My dad went three days in a row. He just loved it. He loved it so much like even had a photo with this dress-up.
Speaker 1:Guy was obsessed he like freddie mercury is he's a sexy, like he was a sexy man. Yeah, he was also incredible and larger than life. Yeah, and full of personality, a lot like your dad actually was in the flesh. Yeah, so you've received these calls. Yeah, life has now changed forever 100 so moving on. So, like what did you do? Like after you, after it's all said and done, after the funeral the funeral didn't happen for, I think, a month see that felt like a really long time and it was because there were not an investigation.
Speaker 4:But yeah, I think he had to go to the coroner and it took a long time that, because of him being in a fire, they had to do like obviously, obviously make.
Speaker 4:DNA, that's right. Pull records from his dentist to make sure, which, even though I knew he was in a fire, I still wanted to see him and they just wouldn't allow it. Um, they just said that as a person, I would not be able to cope with, actually, but I kept thinking surely what I'm seeing in my head is worse than what it could actually be? That's what I kept thinking.
Speaker 1:I think as well. They probably don't want you to remember that as the last thing you see.
Speaker 4:I know, but then for the rest of my life I'm going to be wondering.
Speaker 1:You have said this I have.
Speaker 4:I still am like did dad fake his death?
Speaker 1:Why I'm going to get the giggles here, because I just I know what he's like. I know what you're like. I, just like she sometimes has said to me, I feel like dad's just gonna pop up and be like I faked it all, fucked it here. I am bitches, I don't know why.
Speaker 4:I just think that, like I know that it was him, his teeth records. It was all him. You know, they gave us his earring. It was him, but I just always in the back of my head yeah, I don't have any closure. There's not proper closure.
Speaker 1:No, doesn't feel real. Actually. I remember when my um non died and I didn't want to see her in the casket, but I knew that if I didn't, I wouldn't believe it yeah, that's right. I had to see it and it has actually, like it, stuck. That image of her didn't look like her, didn't feel like her to me, um it's. I kind of regret that that was the last image that I saw of her, but I get that because I didn't believe yeah that she was gone because I didn't get to see her, that I felt like I needed to see him.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I know that sounds messed up, because in no way, shape or form does anybody look nice when they've been in a house fire, like I can't imagine he would be looking nice.
Speaker 4:But it just I just didn't feel real and it just I yeah, I don't know, I don't know why I thought that, but anyways, I did wait until they wheeled out what was. You know, dad, they did have it covered and that didn't give me a sense of relief. But then I kind of knew okay, they've taken him out of the house and I wouldn't leave until that part was done. And I still, like that full day was just, I was numb, there was not an inch of any kind of. I cried the full morning and then I just sat in this state of like numbness.
Speaker 1:So in the months following what was going on for you, like, did you work, could you work? No, how were people? I know your people get really awkward, so at first it's everyone checking in on you.
Speaker 4:I don't think we, I don't think I announced it on my platform for like a week or two and I did. It was like radio silence. I went into a really dark place. Obviously, when you lose somebody to suicide, it was a shock for the entire family. Whole entire family was shocked. But some things were said I'm not going to mention names, but some things were said by certain people that felt almost like I was, felt like I was being attacked and I just lost a major, huge person in my life so what were they?
Speaker 1:was it just insensitive or was it?
Speaker 4:I think it was just still that they were also shocked about what had just happened and it didn't make sense and why and how and who and why you, and why did he write your name? And it was just a lot. It was a lot. But yeah, you know, and now I think about it, I'm like hurt things, make people do hurt things yep hurt people, hurt people yeah that's what I wanted to say.
Speaker 1:I know you did came out wrong.
Speaker 4:Yeah that you're in the hurt people hurt people. So now I can see that, but in the time I was just like why is this happening? I just want my dad, yep.
Speaker 1:And also I was mad at him. Yeah, see the stages of grief, that's important. So angry, so you were really, you were shocked.
Speaker 4:Shocked, angry, sad, depressed. So angry, for a while Like so mad that he could leave me. Yep. Like we went to each other for everything, like I'm not going to say I had an abnormal relationship with my dad, but I find a lot of people have closer relationships with their mums.
Speaker 1:And you were really close to your dad.
Speaker 4:So close to dad, like in my previous business. We worked together every weekend. We were the two clowns like, joking around constantly. There wasn't ever a dry eye, like I'm telling you now. I don't know how many times I almost pissed my pants with him. He just knew how to make me laugh.
Speaker 1:He was so funny and that's the thing you after that, you closed, you sold carnival creations, you sold the business.
Speaker 4:You couldn't do it without him within, if I think I mentioned it to my husband, I was like I don't want to do this anymore. I can't, I physically can't, I don't want to.
Speaker 1:It's not him.
Speaker 4:The weekend after he died, I actually had to do a job. It was a Friday. I think he'd passed away on the Monday and the Friday. I can't do it. And my husband was like your dad would be so mad at you if you cancelled on this person for their wedding. He's like he would be mad at you. So my whole entire family I reckon there was about six of us rocked up to do the wedding. Half of them didn't even know what they were doing, but they were just like tell me what to do, unwrap this, put that there. I did it so numb, with no emotion. I was not there really like my hands knew how to do the work but my brain wasn't there.
Speaker 4:Yeah, no, that's fair and I remember the photographer. Somebody had said to her you know, her dad just passed away Monday and she was in shock. She was like why is she here anyways? The bride ended up finding out and I got the longest email saying she couldn't believe that I just had a massive loss and I was at her wedding and she appreciated and she couldn't believe it and she was in shock, but for me I was like I don't know, I just did it just got it done.
Speaker 4:You're like I just didn't, and I think that was probably one of the last events that I did to be honest yep um, I think I'd cancelled a few. I was just done. I could not go to another event without him and you sold it fairly soon after. I put it up and within three hours it sold there you go.
Speaker 1:It is wild, I just it. It does feel surreal, like I feel even just you talking about it it's still to some point doesn't feel real, and I've watched you go through the ups and the downs of grief. It's two years on and it doesn't necessarily get better at all.
Speaker 4:People always say that it does, but like it doesn't, does it In some ways it doesn't feel easier, or this is like I don't want to say controversial, but, like you know, people always say like, oh, you'll get. Not get over it, but like Time heals your wounds. Yeah, I don't know you get told a million things. When you lose somebody really close, they'll be like, don't worry, you'll feel better soon, or whatever they say. I think I heard a million different quotes, or whatever they say. I think I heard a million different quotes, but I'm not going to say that I think you get good at living with your grief. Yes.
Speaker 4:You get good at living with your grief. But the grief is still there, Never does it ever go away. You get good at just living day to day with it.
Speaker 1:You learn to live with it. You learn to live with it. It doesn't go away.
Speaker 4:No, it doesn't go away. There's going to be things. You know. I remember at work. One day I was walking to the bottle shop to buy some alcohol for work and on the floor was a homeless man sleeping and from the back it looked like my dad. I wanted to wake this person up to see if it was him. In that moment my brain was saying there's your dad just sleeping on the street Because here, remember, he faked his death.
Speaker 4:He's now a homeless person. These are the things that my brain was telling me. So still to this day, I will see somebody wearing short shorts because he wore the most ridiculous short scaffolding shorts. Could almost see his bum hanging out the bottom, with the rubber thongs, walking through bunnings right, and it will catch your eyes Back of his head, with a cap on short shorts and rubber thongs, walking through Bunnings right, and it will catch your eyes Back of his head with a cap, on short shorts and rubber thongs, and I remember seeing a guy in Bunnings and I just started crying, honestly just started crying, and I know this person isn't my dad, but 100% he reminded me of my dad.
Speaker 4:He had the tan lines where the short shorts are meeting. You know, the rest is white and it's so everything just and I think for the rest of my life, like I'm gonna have reminders of songs smells he smelt like a dirty cigarette and now that's got like the best if I smell, that smell now I'm like dad, um yeah, like he was a hard worker so he smelt like most of the time, cigarettes and BO. But now when I smell that cigarette BO smell, I'm like I miss that smell.
Speaker 1:You miss it. Yeah, it's your memories of him, yeah.
Speaker 4:And also his aftershave. You know I've got a work shirt of his from the house and we actually did put it through the wash because it actually smelt like the ash from the fire. But then, after it was washed, it smelt like him. And you're like yeah, so I still kind of sniff that from time to time. Yeah. And I still listen. You know I had to disconnect his phone and it took me a year. I was paying his phone bill for a full year.
Speaker 1:So you could listen to like, so that I could just call it and it and it ring and, like me, listen.
Speaker 4:Actually, I don't know if it rang, I think it just went straight to voicemail, but just so that I could have that, and I remember my husband saying let's just download it. We can download his, you know, voice recording. So now I've got that, so you know, but anyways, anyways, it's just there's going to be reminders and for me I have a lot of abandonment issues now, um, a lot of abandonment. I'm really afraid of people that I love leaving me and I'm not going to say that's a great trait to have.
Speaker 1:It's actually not because I become quite clingy to people but it's more of a result of what you've been through the trauma.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I was never like this prior, so now you don't want to see that someone else that's important in your life leave no it actually makes me feel ill, like if I'm going to lose somebody that I care about, like I have major abandonment issues now and quite a few trust issues as well because of everything that's happened. And also, too, things trigger me, different things that people will say to me Sounds.
Speaker 1:I know that with you. Just yeah, sirens, yep, sirens trigger me. Yep, there's just things now that, yeah, it's like I have to learn to live with my triggers do you find that, in your opinion, people when they're talking you're like how did you lose your dad? And you say suicide, that it is an awkward moment sometimes and that there's shame still around that?
Speaker 4:I think they get shocked that I openly speak about it.
Speaker 1:yes, I think I think they do too, to be honest.
Speaker 4:Yeah, and also too, I think, because I've spoken about it so much, to me it's not that traumatic anymore. Like I don't know it helps you. It is still, you know, losing somebody that you love in a house fire, especially when you know that they purposely lit it. Of course that. But now to me, because I've spoken about it so much. But when I'm telling the story to somebody, their face is like they're really in shock. Yeah. They're shocked. They can't believe that I'm speaking about it so Openly.
Speaker 1:Well, openly and like naturally, I don't know how to you know what I mean, because I have always felt that people feel that it's a taboo subject. Yeah, there is shame around it and it shouldn't I mean 100%.
Speaker 4:I know that dad didn't openly speak about it to anybody. Maybe he spoke about it with my mum. Yep. But I don't think he openly told people hey, I'm not having a good day.
Speaker 1:I'm feeling good.
Speaker 4:I sometimes think about killing myself. I don't think he openly said that to anybody. I think he hid it quite well. Yep. And even maybe was lying to himself a little bit and I think that night he must have got into some sort of decision making of no, this is it.
Speaker 1:I'm done. I'm done. I'm done with this pain that I'm feeling. Yep, it is full on. I just yeah, it's still. I mean, just watching from afar as your friend, it is surreal to think that it even happened sometimes. And then I am really proud of you that you talk about it. To be honest, I love how open you are about it, because not everybody can be and hearing these stories are important. This is part of life. Suicides happen every single day. So often, too often, and we like to just push that like it doesn't exist. We push that out. Oh, think positively, let's pretend that bad stuff doesn't exist. If we do actually start talking about it, maybe if your dad did talk about it more or didn't feel like shame and was open about it and didn't try to mask it with a smile which you know what. To be honest, I completely understand why he did it, I've done it and, yeah, maybe he would have been able to.
Speaker 4:Do you know? What actually shocked me was that morning I'll never forget. The constable that was there said that he attends a house fire at least once or twice a fortnight of men that have burnt their houses down. Where is that ever Like? How would anybody? I know we don't want to promote suicide, like look like we're trying to promote suicide in any kind of way of like hey, look, another man's taking their life, but it needs to be made more aware that people are doing this.
Speaker 1:I wouldn't have known that every second week he attends a house burnt down specifically and most commonly by a male.
Speaker 4:I think men have like a connection to their surroundings of like this is my house. No one else is going to live here. You know, after a breakup as well, it's like no one ever is going to live here but me. Yes. That's where a lot of that comes from, I think, and that's why he went down that road.
Speaker 1:So think and that's why so he went down that way.
Speaker 4:The breakup did trigger in some ways no one else was ever going to have that house by him.
Speaker 4:Yep, and that's why he did what he did he wanted to and I know that some people are never going to understand why and even myself, like, I'm still not going to understand why he chose that path, but I have to accept it. That's the way that he wanted to leave and, yes, it was horrible for me to watch and actually a few months after, my cousin went to a medium psychic um, and my dad took over the whole thing. He could not wait to talk about it.
Speaker 4:I know and she obviously she went there to talk about it, I know. And she obviously she went there to talk about her own, you know, maybe loss of grandparents or whatever, but dad couldn't wait. He just and he did say during that that he's sorry that I was, I had to see it and he didn't think about it. So I think in that time he didn't realise how much it was going to affect me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he wasn't thinking that way at all. No, he was just thinking about his pain.
Speaker 4:But I was thinking about it. I kept thinking like how, putting my name on the car, and you knew I was going to be the first one here and you knew I was going to see this and you knew how I was going to feel yeah, you knew what it was going to do to me. I just kept thinking that over and over again, like I felt so hurt by him. Yeah, going to do to me.
Speaker 1:I just kept thinking that over and over again, like I felt so hurt by him. Yeah, that's where that anger came in as well.
Speaker 4:Anger, and the anger of like you left me. You didn't even say goodbye to me, which obviously his conversation the night before was his version of saying goodbye.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but I was so mad. I think as well this just brings up. The most important thing of all is that you need to ask people if they're okay, even the ones that look happy, even the ones that aren't showing it, and you need to be ready to listen. It's not just a superficial how you're going and two.
Speaker 4:We've had this conversation before when, like, somebody asked you how you're going and people have asked me and I've said, not so good. They're like, oh, that's a shame. Move on to the next subject. There's no, everyone feels awkward about you not being okay and that needs to stop. Yep, like you need to be able to have a conversation with somebody and actually open your damn ears and be like, even if it's so uncomfortable for you to listen to. You know, like I recently went through another dark time and I reached out to you and it was it's it's awkward and uncomfortable to tell somebody how you're feeling, but at the same time, all you did was listen and support me yeah, there's not a lot, you can you know, you could have been like oh, this is uncomfortable, I'll chat to you another time you've got to be read like.
Speaker 1:You can't take the chance if you have the time, do it. Yeah, like listen and actually listen. You don't even have to have a response. Sometimes they just need you to listen to them. And. I think you just wanted to get stuff off your chest, yeah, and I didn't.
Speaker 4:I wasn't comfortable. Yes, I told my husband, but I felt comfortable telling you how I was feeling and I think if somebody is reaching out to you, please don't fob them off, like if somebody's actually telling you I'm not doing, okay, right now I maybe need somebody to speak to, like, just listen, that's it. You don't have to give advice. You're not a fucking therapist like, yeah, just listen and even occasionally just check in how you're going.
Speaker 1:I was thinking of you today. I know that it can be hard to to be a friend or be a kid, a child, a daughter to someone that does suffer with mental health. My dad has suffered depression most of his life, most of my childhood. I have struggled being that daughter because it can be hard watching them disconnect. He has been like not more open about it, but I don't think he's had a choice. Yeah.
Speaker 1:So his mental health has taken him down a path where he just doesn't want to get out of bed or didn't want to talk, or is completely numb, even to us as his family and projects stuff. And it can be really hard to grow up in that. But so many people including, like people that were close to him were like just get over it, you've got a good life, get over it. What have you got to be sad about? They've actually said that shit to him and I'm like that has done no good. He's doing really well now.
Speaker 1:Don't get me wrong.
Speaker 4:But it's the same with new mums. You know they get postnatal depression. People are like what are you upset about you with new mums?
Speaker 1:you know, they get postnatal depression.
Speaker 4:People like what are you upset about?
Speaker 1:you've got a brand new baby and you're happily married and you've got a new home, whatever the case may be, and it's like get over it, yeah, and and to have that said to you and completely dismiss that mental health exists is so like, of course. Then you go back into your shell and you don't want to tell anyone and you hide it.
Speaker 1:And even what you said with postnatal depression, it really fucking hits home yeah because that was me, and people after the fact that I've come out nearly three years later have only said to me now oh, I knew you weren't yourself. I knew you were in a dark place, I knew that wasn't you thanks for checking in and I was like I needed. I didn't know I needed you. Yeah, I actually didn't. When you're in it, you don't know that you need someone. It's weird. I think you know what I mean. Yeah.
Speaker 1:But at the time I wish you would have asked me how I was. I wish you would have just come over and sat with me. So, you didn't feel so alone, so I didn't feel alone, so I had someone to cry with, that I could actually open up with, and you don't know, you need it until.
Speaker 4:And this is the thing A lot of people that are facing these things do feel very alone, yeah, and depression does not always look the same, that's also another important thing I need to touch base here.
Speaker 4:Sometimes people will push people away. They might get angry, they might be sad. There's so many different faces of depression, like with my dad. He hit it so well like he was smiling and laughing literally days before. So just remember that depression does not always look the same and you know your best friend, your mom, your sister could be going through it and maybe they're hiding it and you don't know. So I think it's important to open up those conversations, make it more of a a common thing that we talk about our emotions. I wish I had have done it more with dad. Honestly, I wish that was something that we talked about more. Maybe I would have had more insight onto what was going on. Yeah, so just like constantly checking in with people. That's like one major thing I can say now, because the amount of suicides that are happening every year. It is insane everybody.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna say it everybody knows someone that has taken their own life, or know somebody that has had someone in their life take their own life. And it's all too common, it's. It doesn't discriminate and it doesn't even discriminate. It doesn't discriminate between children, doesn't even discriminate. It doesn't discriminate between children or adults or men or women.
Speaker 4:I know that the common age group for men was 15 to 22. That's the most common age group for suicide in men.
Speaker 1:So young.
Speaker 4:So young. Like my son is two years away from being 15 and that scares the crap out of me, yeah.
Speaker 1:So we've got to have these conversations from from a young age. I think it does start young, especially if you're a mom like and we were saying about your dad it wasn't common and it wasn't common for my dad to talk about, it was embarrassing. Yeah, you don't tell people yeah because that was the way they were raised. Men had to be strong men don't cry, boys don't cry yeah that is still very prevalent, I reckon, even in today's society, 100%.
Speaker 4:That hasn't left. How many times have you seen, you know, a man say to his child grow up, stop acting like a girl yep, you're a pussy yeah, just things like so triggering for me, like just don't ever say that to your son or your daughter yep like oh, I have heard even from people within my own age group like put down their son, um for dressing a little bit too girly or, you know, show off their feminine, feminine side.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and being told that you know that's how it starts.
Speaker 4:This is how mental health issues start like, and we might not realize that we're doing it to our own children. Yeah, just be careful, because your mind is just a very delicate object it is I've.
Speaker 1:We can all relate to that. All of us have been through stuff so exactly.
Speaker 4:Take care of your mind and I think you know it is very important that if you don't have that you know support around you, you don't have really anybody to reach out to. There are companies like Lifeline, beyond Blue, the Black Dog Institute. There's so many different outlets now that you can reach out to and just literally voice, just have a chat.
Speaker 1:That's what they're there for. They're not judging you. They know nothing about your life. They know nothing about you personally, but sometimes, like Crystal said before, you just need someone to listen. So if you are out there and you are experiencing intrusive thoughts or you are struggling with your mental health in any capacity, please remember that you can talk to somebody and you know lifeline is there. They are 13, 11, 14 that's their number. There are different places that you can even go in person talk to your gp about it, talk to family, talk to your friends. If your work colleagues ask you, tell them. And a lot of workplaces I will mention actually offer a lot of like.
Speaker 1:A lot of workplaces now have counselling support, which is all anonymous so you can just go to your HR department and say look, I'm looking at, I need some help there's like they offer sessions with.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I think the one thing that did shock me was my son was suffering with some mental health and we went on a mental health plan and we went to a private psychologist and the sessions are still $100 plus right. So they gave me the option wait on a waiting list or go and see somebody now and pay for it. Yep, for me, I was going straight away to pay for it. But there are people out there that don't have that extra money, they don't have that privilege of being able to pay for it and the fact that they have to wait one, two, three years to see somebody, I'm still shocked. Like we pay so much money in taxes. Why is this not a free service?
Speaker 1:I think like how can they put the risk with people's mental health and say, go on a waiting list for three years because it's still not taken seriously enough?
Speaker 4:like, how many people need to commit suicide? Honestly, how many? I understand that there is phone lines that you can call. Yeah, but if you're not doing well, go to a hospital straight away. Exactly if you go to a hospital. If you rock up to royal perth and you say, look, I'm not doing well, go to a hospital straight away. Exactly If you go to a hospital. If you rock up to Royal Perth and you say, look, I'm not doing well, they will take you in straight away. Fuck this, waiting two to three years to see somebody, nuh-uh.
Speaker 1:There's so much privilege as well, assuming that everybody suffering with mental health has the money to pay for therapy or to do something about it, or even that they have like a support system. Yeah, because even like your dad had a beautiful support system, had a big family, anyone would have fucking been really open and willing to help had they would have known. But not everyone even has that no so it is quite like privileged to think that everybody can access these you know services.
Speaker 1:That's right, and that's really sad as well, so I'm really fucking glad we're talking about this. And we will continue to, because there's a lot of passion behind Bearing it All and we want to carry on Dwayne's legacy. He was a good man, he was a fun man and he would fucking love that we were chatting about him.
Speaker 1:He would love it, he would be frothing right now and I got goosebumps, but I always I'm sort of thinking right here like you know the things you learn from pain and the way that you can grow from pain, and you know, teach others and do something good with it. That's what we're doing here. That's what you're doing. So many good things have happened. You've done so many incredible things since. I'm so proud of you.
Speaker 4:I literally just do everything now, like I could die tomorrow.
Speaker 1:Does his death change your perspective of death and your?
Speaker 4:life itself. It just makes me think why am I saying no to opportunities when I could literally die tomorrow?
Speaker 1:Do you have more of an appreciation for life? I should have said then.
Speaker 4:I don't know if I appreciate life more because I feel like there's not enough hours in a day and literally a blink of an eye the day's over. But I think now I just throw caution to the wind. In everything I do now I'm like what's the worst that could happen?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I could not be here. It definitely has changed the way you live.
Speaker 4:Yes, and everyone keeps on saying to me you're so fearless, like you just do things how and why, and I'm like well, why can't you?
Speaker 1:Yeah, you only get. Apparently we only live once, which we don't know. But let's live well, that's right.
Speaker 4:Yeah, do the damn thing. Like I'm always going to be scared Don't get me wrong Like I'm going to be afraid. I'm super afraid of death. I don't want to die anytime soon. I don't want to leave my kids behind. I don't want to leave my friends behind.
Speaker 1:I don't want to leave my husband behind, like I don't want to die. But if it happens and it happens, at least I know I've lived. I tried to live the best I could. Yes, so guys, live well. We all deserve to have the most beautiful full lives um for yourself don't hold yourself back and you deserve to be happy.
Speaker 1:If you're not in a good state right now, you actually deserve happiness, and I can promise you this, even from personal experience. They always say this too, shall pass. And you think, when you're in the depths of it, when you're sitting there depressed, sad, questioning how you're feeling about this life that you, you are, you will never get out of it. It just feels like it's so dark you cannot see the light. But every day you fight and you fight and eventually you're like you look back and you go. Oh my God, I made it.
Speaker 4:But that also doesn't mean that you'll go into a dark hole again. You can. It's sometimes just a fucking deep ocean and you're just swimming, that's right, just keep swimming. Sometimes you're swimming and it's fucking rough and it's wavy and you're getting dunked and you're swallowing water, and then other times you're just kind of floating along.
Speaker 1:That's right, you're riding the waves bitches. I was like fucking life is a fucking roller coaster it is. Sometimes you're literally shitting your pants on the way down and then you're cruising up and you're enjoying the ride and you're screaming out of excitement and then you're fucking terrified again because you think you're gonna die. So yeah, like you're not alone. That's our biggest message.
Speaker 4:I think you are not alone ever. You're never, ever alone.
Speaker 1:So we're gonna leave you with this crystal. Please impart us with some wisdom, some love, and you know your thoughts.
Speaker 4:Look, it's so hard for me because of everything I've gone through, but I just think at the end of the day, like you're never, ever a burden on anybody. And this is the one thing that my dad thought. He thought he was going to be a burden on me. He thought he was going to be a burden on everybody, which is why he didn't say the things he did, and he thought that if we had to live with him being the way he was, he would burden us. You're not a burden on anybody. I love that. You are never going to be a burden on anybody. I can guarantee there are multiple people in your life that love you, and somebody is going to be there to care about what you're going through. So don't ever, ever, ever, ever think you're a burden. That's the one thing if I could pass on to anybody. Just know that, because, yeah, I know that there's probably a million people in the world that think they're a burden on somebody, but you are not.
Speaker 1:You matter. You matter, yeah, the way you show up who you are in this world. It it does matter. You're unique. You're not supposed to be like everybody else. So if you are in ever of need of a chat or you feel that you need to talk to someone, like we said, we're going to pop all the information we can in the show notes. There's lifeline beyond blue. All their numbers will be there. But also don't forget to check in and ask people if they are okay. Not just on one day a year, every day of the year, anytime. Check in on your friends, your family, your loved ones and your work colleagues, and always take care of yourselves and take care of each other.
Speaker 4:Love you, love you too bye.
