Solonge's Story of Resilience: Finding Purpose Through Pain

TW: Please be aware that Solonge's story speaks of the loss of her boys (stillborn)
When faced with some of life's toughest battles, how do we find the courage to push through?
In this episode of Baring it All, our remarkable guest, Solonge, a corporate communications specialist, wife, and mother with a heart as wide as the sky, opens up about her harrowing yet uplifting journey. Throughout her life, she has faced many tough battles from a young age, marked by her brother's drug addiction and the loss of her twins, Leo and Cruz at 22 weeks and 4 days ; it is a profound narrative of facing adversity with unwavering strength and grace.

Throughout this episode, Solonge shares her story and invites us into her world of complex family dynamics, intergenerational trauma, and her battles with body image and mental health. Her story transitions from the shock of discovering her brother's secret life to the anguish of her own personal tragedies. Yet, during her struggles, she finds resilience and the transformative power of mindset and helping others - her voice is a beacon for anyone navigating their darkest hours. It explores the depth of maternal bonds, the importance of personal healing, and the embrace of vulnerability as a source of strength.

As Solonge shares her path to recovery and growth, we are reminded of the importance of self-care, boundary-setting, and the beauty of finding purpose in our pain. Solonge inspires us to look within, confront our triggers, and possibly discover our wings to rise above and soar, just as she has. Join us for this raw, intimate, soul-stirring conversation, an ode to the incredible human spirit.

Find more about Solonge on Instagram @simplysolonge
*please note that Solonge’s twins were 22 weeks and 4 days when delivered. 
SANDS - Miscarriage, stillborn and newborn death support:
24/7 Bereavement Support Line: 1300 308 307

Lifeline Australia 131114

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And don’t forget to take care of yourself and each other -

With Love Rose & Chrystal x

Transcript

Rose: 0:05

Welcome to Bearing it All with Rose and Crystal.

Chrystal: 0:08

Where the conversations get real emotions run raw and nothing is filtered.

Rose: 0:13

Buckle up because we're Bearing it All deep, diving into everything from motherhood to mental health and everything in between. We want to get to know you, each other and our bodies, and things are going to get spicy we're spicy Raspassy.

Chrystal: 0:26

Are you ready for it?

Rose: 0:27

Let's do it. Welcome to another episode of Bearing it All with Crystal and Rose. We have a special guest on today. We have Solange, who is a self-confessed shopaholic, rap lover and spiritual socialite. She's a corporate communications specialist by day and mama of five by night. In 2018, her world was turned upside down when she birthed her stillborn twins, leo and Cruz. As a result of her grief, many of Solange's suppressed childhood traumas came to the surface. She was faced with more than most will have to face in a lifetime. Known as the resilience queen by her inner circle, this is her remarkable story of healing, finding her true self and her inspiring plans for the future. Welcome to the pod.

Chrystal: 1:13

Solange, we are so happy to have you on today. Thank you for having me. No worries at all. We've been dying to get you on, thank you. But we want to kind of start at the beginning. So I guess we're going to leave it to you to just head us down that path. So I guess we're going to leave it to you to just head us down that path.

Solonge: 1:25

So I guess I'll start at childhood. Yeah, for me I was born. So my parents migrated to Australia in 1985. So mum was heavily pregnant with me and by February of 1986, I was born. Sadly, when I was nine months old my dad left mum, so she had three kids under the age of eight and didn't speak a word of English, so she had quite the battle ahead of her. So for the most part of my life we had a really really close bond, my two. I've got two older brothers and and I of my oldest brother became my father figure, so to speak, and he was incredible. Like he'd pick me up from school and he'd.

Solonge: 2:13

I remember this one time he had a cardboard box and he popped a brick in it. So I thought it was something really heavy because I made. I was recruited into a netball team and he put a brick in a box and I was like, oh my God, what is it? What is it? And I opened it and it was just a teddy bear. So he used to do things like that.

Solonge: 2:30

He was really sweet, he was really successful and unfortunately it wasn't until his late twenties when he started to dabble in drugs basically, and it just progressively got worse from there. I think sort of one of the pivotal moments in my life was I knew that he was using and it was evident in his behaviours and how he changed as a person. But what happened was one day I'd come home and he had he goes, I got you something today. And I saw a glimpse of that old brother and he handed me a sunglass case and it was a Versace sunglass case and I was like, oh really, these are for me. And he was like yeah, yeah, I got them for you today. And as I opened the case, nestled between the sunglasses was a needle and in that moment, my, my world, just, I, just, I remember just pouring out with tears and I just, and he threw himself back in the couch and was screaming no, no, no, because he'd realised he'd obviously forgotten it there yeah.

Solonge: 3:34

And I just ran out the house. I just remember running and running and running. I didn't know where I was running, but I, just, like it was my world, just came crumbling down this figure.

Rose: 3:44

Can I ask what was the world just came crumbling down this figure? Can I ask what was the age difference between you?

Solonge: 3:47

um. So there's eight years difference between us and I think I'm trying to remember around about how old I was at the time. I must have been maybe around 18 or 19, I think, at the time when I found I knew that he was using yep um. At the time I just thought it was meth, but I finding the needle was just like soul shattering and he was like I probably didn't paint a big enough picture.

Solonge: 4:15

he was the boy. So my mum was a real devout catholic and he was in church groups growing up. He'd go on like catholic weekends and and all this kind of stuff and out of like the three of our siblings he was probably the one most involved in the church and so it was so out of character he would be the last person on air if any of friends would ever think would use drugs. So that was the first sort of shock. And then to find the needle just like absolutely ripped my life apart.

Rose: 4:46

Yeah, it was like confirming your like you knew it was happening, but it wasn't something you wanted to admit almost to yourself. It was like finding it was very real.

Solonge: 4:56

Yeah, it was really difficult and um, and then it kind of just spiraled from there. We found out he had a property at the time and he was like, um, like one of the top salesmen at BMW. So there was, yeah, he. It was just. Everything came crumbling down and we slowly found out that he had relapsed on his mortgage repayments and at the time so by this time I was 21, I think, and I was looking at a home and land package and my mum came to me. She was, like you have to save your brother's house. Like this is his last straw. You have to save him. He'll lose himself this and that and um.

Solonge: 5:34

So instead of buying myself a property at the time, I ended up saving my brother's house, and what happened the year after was just some of the most horrific stuff that I could have gone through. I had people ringing me with his drug debts, bikeys and all sorts of things, saying your brother owes me this, like you need to pay. I had people confront me about oh well, you know, we can work it off together if you want. Like, really like a lot of stuff. He became really aggressive towards me. I remember my work being on high alert because he owed some people money and, yeah, it's quite. I should have really given a bit of a trigger warning. But yeah, I remember one guy ringing me and saying that he was going to set my car on fire and I I was. It was so bizarre, though I was so fearless at that time. I was so fearless. I was like yep, sure, mate, this is my work address. Come, I'll stand at the front. I was just really fearless. I just thought you know what, if this is my time, this is my time, like I just I don't. I really don't know who that person was, but it got me through that time.

Solonge: 6:48

So I paid a lot of his drug debts and things like that and unfortunately, like that beautiful, like obviously what killed me the most was not just the financial. So I ended up. So I ended up, they ended up living. My mum and my brothers lived in that home for a year and I lived with my then boyfriend, now husband, yep, so I was paying a mortgage for a house I didn't even live in and it just became too much. I was like what is going on here? I don't even live in this house. So we ended up selling. I ended up selling the house and the whole family were just really upset at me. But I was like I need to get out of this situation and I remember giving my brother a cheque for $90,000 and I took $19,000 even though I had paid the mortgage for a year.

Solonge: 7:39

I just didn't want anyone to think that I'd made money off his back or his property and so I walked away, not even covering the the repayments that I had paid for that year, and I lost my first homeowner's grant on that home and I remember the house settling on Christmas Eve and by January he had rang me asking for money so he blew the 90k already he blew it, whether it had been debts, whether it had been drugs.

Chrystal: 8:06

That's what I was going to ask you, like when you said you gave him the $90,000 check. I've got family members that are severe drug addicts living on the street and I was thinking straight away when you said that what's going to happen to that money?

Solonge: 8:18

I think me. I didn't want to give it to him, but at the time I was being guided by my dad and my uncle and I kind of everyone was so invested in what was going on. I wanted to do what everyone else thought was right. In my heart I was like this is the wrong thing to do. I wanted to put the money in a long-term fixed account.

Solonge: 8:38

And when he got himself clean he had a bit of a kitty to sort of get his life back on track. But no, they said no, it's his money, give him his money. Yeah, I gave him his money and it was just gone. It was gone yeah that was a start and um, we still have a very broken relationship. I've tried, you know, to repair that um has he gotten clean since?

Solonge: 9:05

no, okay, he did. He did go to shalom house and he did get clean for a year. So shalom house is a rehab center for those who aren't aware and they actually have counselors and things there and they actually did some mediation with him and I to repair that relationship and I was really reluctant to begin with because there was so much damage done. Obviously, as I said, the threats, the, the physical violence, like there was so much that I enjoyed with him. But I was willing to put it past because I knew that wasn't my brother like and it's it's not an excuse, but I loved the human under all that pain. He had some sort of pain and he just wasn't processing it and chose to go down the substance abuse sort of line. So he did go to Shalom House but he ended up his partner at the time, he ended up basically going back on drugs and he's now back in prison.

Chrystal: 10:05

Oh, wow, okay, so you don't really have much contact with him then.

Solonge: 10:09

No, so he hasn't really met my two younger children and I mean, if I see him we're like hi, and it's really difficult because when I see him I see that soul is still in there. But he's just really lost and really he needs help. But I've tried for too long and at some point. I just had to say I need to stop, Yep.

Rose: 10:34

Yeah, and I think a lot of family members I've seen this with friends that have, you know, family members that are also addicts or that have struggled with abuse through substance. So they take it upon themselves to try fix it and it becomes so taxing on them personally and there's got to be a time when you're like I need to step out of this, not only, not because I don't love you, but because it's harming me too and my family.

Rose: 11:05

So, yeah, it's a big thing for you to have done and I think I was very good poker face.

Solonge: 11:11

So I was always the bubbly person in the workplace. In high school I was the same um, it wasn't until a teacher actually confiscated a book and I was writing in class and I used to write poetry, and she was like called me aside at the end of class and was like what's all this about? It's quite dark. I said, oh, nothing, nothing, but that was my way of expressing itself and it still is. It's through my words. So it was. I just wanted to see everybody else happy.

Solonge: 11:38

But, that's, I guess, a big part of my journey which we'll come to, is that I was so focused on making sure everyone else was okay, I was really neglecting the main person like, let's go back to that.

Rose: 11:50

So putting on the facade which I think we're all so good at, and it is very hard to to take down that wall when people think that that's who you are, I mean I can relate. You were saying you're always the bubbly, always the fun, always you know people looking to you for help and guidance. Yet underneath the surface there was so much going on for you. When did you let that down?

Solonge: 12:17

I feel like it was escapism, so like I had this pain going on at home and it was a place where I could just be me.

Solonge: 12:24

I didn't have to worry about that stuff. Like I was at school and I was happy and like no one really needed to know. Like my mum struggled financially, obviously a mum of three on a single income. Like I just I never thought I've always been quite a genuine person. I don't think I've ever really been fake, but it was just I loved seeing other people happy and maybe that came from a place of just not having that at home. So it was my place to go out into the world and just show up the way. I want.

Solonge: 12:57

Maybe I felt like I couldn't really express myself authentically.

Chrystal: 12:59

You were safe at school.

Solonge: 13:01

Yeah, I was safe. Yeah, I was safe to express myself and be myself and and that kind of thing. And that was, yeah, that was my happy place yeah.

Chrystal: 13:11

So then, moving forward, after everything that happened with your brother, kind of take us down that route of, like different struggles that you've had to go through yeah, so I think after my brothers, I one of the biggest things was my mum worked shift work.

Solonge: 13:28

She worked two jobs, obviously to put food on the table and things for us, so she worked at a hospital, so she'd work late nights and things like that. And I found that I was falling in a habit of comfort eating and I wasn't aware at the time but I would just comfort eat and just eat myself eat myself and that was.

Solonge: 13:46

It was a way of almost metaphorically like pushing those emotions down, just like, and so, yeah, my weight sort of spiraled and I put on a lot of weight. I remember at my wedding like I do not have a single wedding photo hung up at a house because I was the biggest I've ever been and I was at the time at that age, you don't really know. Obviously I've done a lot of healing and everything now and I recognize what that was, but I just was again in another way, putting myself last, just eating foods for comfort rather than feeling my feelings and actually processing.

Chrystal: 14:23

I know guilty, guilty I was like what was that? I'll tell you what the amount of Tim Tam packets I ate during my time. Oh my God, I turned into a Tim Tam.

Solonge: 14:35

I was so bad and this is the first, I'm actually so embarrassed to say it out loud I remember like I would drive through a McDonald's and get like a cheeseburger, and then I would drive to another suburb and get like another one, because I was like too embarrassed to order two.

Rose: 14:50

You should have just ordered two meals, like it was for two people. It was so bad.

Solonge: 14:55

I just that's what I just used to comfort, eat um a lot and, yeah, mum not being around, and I think at that time as well, my mum started to lose her way. Obviously, obviously, your son being addicted to drugs. My mum changed and that was really hard for me because growing up I was so close to my mum, so so close, but then she started to get her own mental health battles which till this day, she still struggles with, and our relationship is really tested and it's different. It's really different than when we were kids, like she. You know, as kids we'd wake up and even though we were so poor, like as a child, we used to Salvation Army used to come over and bring a basket and we got to pick a present out of it.

Chrystal: 15:36

That was my childhood.

Solonge: 15:37

You know lentils like for dinner three times a week, I'm talking that kind of. But no one knew and I guess I got a lot of that from my mum. So my mum would always have us in the best clothes, always have us looking a certain way. So she was so worried about what people thought we would show up in a certain way, but at the same time she was really struggling and so, yeah, just my relationship with her changed and that was another difficult part of the journey because my brother was, like her, beacon of light and to see him come crashing down and I can't imagine.

Solonge: 16:14

I'm a parent now like I can't imagine the pain that would cause. So she's really different now as well.

Chrystal: 16:21

I think, though, like her life, trauma is, like you know, being pregnant, coming to another country, you know, the man of your life leaving you and you having to bring up all your kids, and then your son, turning to drugs like it's a lot for her too, so it's a lot and she had a lot of trauma from Lebanon, so my parents obviously grew up during the time of the war over there.

Solonge: 16:41

So, my mum saw a lot. My, my mum also lost her brother. She witnessed. Uh, sorry she didn't witness, but she walked in straight after her brother was shot and she had the same relationship that I had with my oldest brother.

Solonge: 16:54

So she carried it. She was, I think she was eight years old and I was the first person she ever told and I was about 17 and she told me what happened that night and it's um. So she's carried a lot of that through her life, so she's got a lot of pain and I guess the healing journey that I've been on at the like. I resented her a lot as a teenager. She wouldn't let me go to leave it, she wouldn't let me do this, she wouldn't let me do that, but I think she had such a massive fear of losing control because of what had happened with my brother so she really tried to control me, controlled how I dressed, controlled and um body issues.

Solonge: 17:28

Like I have to admit, my mum was blessed genetically. She was, you know. She used to say to me oh, I was eight months pregnant with your brother and I was 46 kilos, and I was like, wow, and so I was probably, you know, comparing a bit there. Well, I think I was like a size maybe 12 in high school, which, looking back in hindsight, is so normal, right, yeah, absolutely. But my mum I remember her storming me out of a shopping centre and being like, until you're a size 10, I'm not taking you shopping. Or a size 10 or an 8, I'm not taking you. And it was live at Caron Up, I'll be over 10 or an eight. I'm not taking you.

Chrystal: 18:04

And it was live at.

Solonge: 18:05

Karen Up and remember how like that was, like and I was like, I just bawled my eyes out. So I was already that body. Those body issues were already instilled from such young age because she constantly used to compare me to her and her figure and obviously I took after more my dad's side and more curvy and more hourglass, so there was a lot of that.

Solonge: 18:25

But I and more hourglass, so there was a lot of that. But I realise now that it was just projection of her own pain and in some way, like I love my mum to bits, even through everything, in some way I feel like my light irritated her Because, no matter what I had faced, I was still so resilient and bright and I still wanted. I was positive and I still wanted. But she was really stuck in misery and I think now, reflecting back, maybe my light really irritated her and she was trying to dull me down.

Rose: 18:53

That can definitely happen, absolutely. You see it all the time, but I don't think she would have done it consciously. Yeah, I agree, and I think there's that ethnic in them, the pride when you you say the way you know yous would be dressed a certain way because they were worried about how people think and I can definitely relate to that, having grown up in an Italian family. It was always Roseanne. What would people think if you do that? And I was always like I was always more I don't care what if let them talk.

Rose: 19:19

So that was very confronting, even for my own family, so I definitely relate to that myself. But even with back then, with your mum, they just didn't deal with things. No, they didn't know how. No one helped them through it. They were just told to shut up and put on the face. Yeah, yeah, you know, don't tell people your problems.

Solonge: 19:39

And I appreciate as well the difficulty. Like you're moving to another country, you have to learn the culture and then I feel like and I'm sure there's a lot of people listening I feel for us when we've been raised by people who are from overseas, like immigrants, and you're growing up in a totally different culture, but your parents are trying to raise you as in you're still in Lebanon yeah makes sense, so that I feel for my brothers.

Solonge: 20:06

I have empathy for them because they are a little bit lost. It's like how do I? You want to fit in with the Australian culture and your friends and everything, but then you have these other values that it. So there's a real like, there's a real imbalance, I guess, of how you're supposed to be and how you're supposed to show up. Yeah, yeah.

Chrystal: 20:25

So then, obviously, you had your daughter. Yes, well, first of all you got married, yes, yes. Then you had your daughter. She was a little light of your life, yeah, she was. So then take us down a bit of like motherhood and your journey there.

Solonge: 20:43

So Alea came along and she was, yeah, just the most beautiful baby, such. We were very lucky that she was just the most amazing welcome to motherhood. She was really good sleeper, like I hate saying it because she was like a unicorn baby she was. I remember messaging a friend I was like, oh my God, she's sleeping through the night at six weeks old, like she was just and she's still the most beautiful little soul.

Chrystal: 21:06

I'll never forget seeing one of the posts that you put on um. It must have been I don't know if it was Facebook or Instagram, but her big eyes and this hair and I was just like, oh my god, she's such a beautiful baby. She had such long hair.

Solonge: 21:19

I remember actually it's funny you say that at the hospital they were like, do you mind if we take her for a walk? And she had this mop there and they were like parading her around the hospital.

Chrystal: 21:28

It looked like a wig man. It looked like a.

Solonge: 21:29

Lego. You know what it looked like, Rosie? It looked like a Lego. You know the Lego?

Rose: 21:32

Yeah, the.

Solonge: 21:33

Lego. That's what she looked like. She had jet black hair and, if you of at Lowell Brown and yeah, they were like parading her around the hospital and feel like this is so funny but yeah. So Alaya came along and then after that we obviously decided we wanted another, and I guess that's where life got hard again and I just kind of thought, oh, like haven't I dealt with enough like really so sorry.

Solonge: 22:03

Prior to Alaya, I had a miscarriage, uh, it was. I remember driving to work, I was on reed highway and I just got this massive cramp and it was an early miscarriage it was. I was probably around six weeks. Then we had a layer which was a normal pregnancy and she pretty much went to full term. And then after that that, just things just started happening, just lots happening.

Solonge: 22:29

After Alea I had I remember it being her first birthday and I had some spotting bleeding and I was like, well, this is really weird. And I remember having, of course, always the way I was wearing a baby pink clay suit and I was like, oh my god, and I was in so much pain and I was really sweating and I was like, is it really hot at this birthday? Um, I ended up. I didn't want to bother, feel sounds terrible. So I waited till the Monday. I kept taking. It might have been even longer. You know that was my second. I kept taking painkillers, just norepinephrine, thinking I'm just getting cramps. I'm just getting cramps. I didn't know I was pregnant and so I was just taking norepinephrine, taking norepinephrine. Then one day I drove myself to King Edward. I didn't want to bother Phil at work I was like I'm just going to go to King Edward and check yeah just like a gynecologist check up or whatever.

Solonge: 23:24

And they said your tube has ruptured, you've had an ectopic pregnancy. You need to go straight into surgery. I was like what? So I had to ring Phil and it was like four o'clock in the afternoon and I said I need to go into surgery. And I was like why didn't you ring me? Why didn't you call me? I was like I didn't want to bother you in case it was like a false alarm.

Solonge: 23:42

I didn't want to, you know, interrupt your work. So I ended up having surgery at like 7.30 PM that night and they removed my left tube. So it was about a 10, 10 weeks pregnant ectopic and yeah, so that was my first sort of lot of or second lot of, loss. Yeah, and then from there we obviously I think when you lose and a lot of people can relate there's a part of your heart that has so much love to give and it's gone nowhere.

Solonge: 24:16

So we really wanted to try for another child. So we were trying. And it's funny, like, not a lot of people know this story, but Phil and I both really prayed for twins, and so his uncles are twins and my auntie and uncle are twins. So we were like, oh, how good would it be if we got twins, how good would it be if we got twins. Anyway, I fell pregnant and I remember driving to the obstetrician's office for our first scan and I said I bet you it's twins, bet you it's twins.

Solonge: 24:46

He's like don't say that. And he was talking about sorry, he was talking about buying a car and I said don't buy a car yet because we might need a bigger one. He's like don't say that. He's like I can't remember what car he was looking at and I was like don't buy it yet because we might need a seven seater anyway. We got to the scan and she's scanning away and she's like, and I said to her oh, I've got a feeling it's twins. She's like. Everybody says that kind of like, just you know. And then she's scanning and she's like oh, there's one. She's like I just saw her freeze and she was like oh my God. And she was like there's two and Phil just looked at me and I just burst out crying and I thought he'd be like, oh my God.

Rose: 25:26

But he was like so happy.

Solonge: 25:28

I've never seen him so happy in my life. So, yeah, then we found out we were pregnant with the twins and, yeah, that was really really exciting and then obviously you had a bit of tragedy with the twin boys yeah, so at the time I was documenting, as you know, crystal. Crystal did our gender reveal actually, and my dad was there too. I remember he was such a beautiful man and we just it just kills me because I live streamed my gender reveal.

Rose: 26:02

I remember seeing the gender reveal myself. Yeah, I was.

Chrystal: 26:05

I set up the party and then I literally went in my car and I was like waiting for this thing and I was like I can't do anything today until I see what's happening, yeah, so we did the gender reveal and Crystal had carnival creations at the time, she did the beautiful grazing table etc.

Solonge: 26:21

and we had all our just really intimate close friends and things and we found out we were having two boys, obviously, because I was going to have three under almost two. I think a layer was going to be like two and like one month or two and two. So it was going to be hectic. So I remember as well at the time we had just bought a new car, so we had to go change my car because we needed a bigger, basically because all three kids would be in car seats.

Solonge: 26:48

We had to go to baby shops. I don't know if you remember my stories at the time, but I was going to baby shops and putting in three because they don't all fit.

Solonge: 26:54

No, they don't it was only like the Kluger or the Mazda CX-9 and even I think the Prado the new Prado was narrower. Yeah, because we just thought we'll get a Prado and then they were narrower so we couldn't get that. So it was like the choice of two cars. So, anyway, we changed our car, we started changing life, preparing. We wanted to know what we were having, obviously because it was going to be busy. So we found out it was the twin boys and then I think it was only like a couple of weeks later I went out, for it gets me choked up every time.

Solonge: 27:28

We went out for my birthday dinner and we went to Fritz in Mount Hawthorne with my cousin and his fiance. At the time we were having dinner and I remember complaining about how uncomfortable the chairs were. I was like these chairs are so uncomfortable, is anyone else uncomfortable? And they were like, no, no, and I was like, oh, these are so uncomfortable. I was whinging about these chairs. Then we went to, so we had dinner and then we're like should we go to a dessert place? We went to, so we had dinner and then we were like should we go to a dessert place? We went to Measure in Mount Lawley for dessert and I was still feeling really uncomfortable. So I went to the bathroom just thinking I needed to go to the bathroom and I had some blood there and I was like, and then just my heart just sank and I came back out and I said, phil, I'm bleeding. He's like it's okay, babe, it's okay. And I remember him grabbing my hand and he says, okay, obviously because I had the ectopic. He just thought I was getting into like anxious about that and he's like it's okay, it's okay, it's probably just a little bit of bleeding.

Solonge: 28:25

Then we went home after and I was really uncomfortable. I still was really uncomfortable. I was still was really uncomfortable. I remember laying down on the bed and then I just felt these shooting pains in my lower back and I was like whoa, this is not right. How many weeks were you at this? At this point I was 23 weeks and four days.

Solonge: 28:48

So I went into, I went sorry, yeah, I lay in bed, and I got those shooting pains and I stood up and I thought, oh, one of them. Obviously I never had a twin pregnancy, so I just thought maybe one of them was sitting on a nurse. So I'm rocking in my room, I'm just like move, move. And it didn't happen. It feels like maybe you should just call the hospital just to be safe.

Solonge: 29:06

So I rang the hospital and they said, look, it's probably all fine, but just pack a bag and just come in. I was like, yep, no worries, um. And then so I should mention just going back a little bit in 2017 and Phil is not this well, he is now, but he at the time he was not this person. Phil and I went to Sydney and we went to Tony Robbins, yeah, and we went to like a four-day conference and I feel like that is so important in my story because the mindset that I had to get through what was coming is so pivotal in the story. So we got to the hospital they've done a scan and they were like you're already dilating and I was like okay, yeah, I was like, okay.

Solonge: 29:50

At this point I still thought, okay, I'm just going to have preemie babies, cause there always a risk with twins obviously that they're going to come early. So I just thought, okay, this is going to be hard, I've got a two-year-old at home, but I'm going to be in and out of hospital every day, like visiting the twins.

Solonge: 30:04

This is what was going through my head and so they put me on bed and the nurses were were like you're going to deliver within 24 hours? And at that point I just said no, and this is what I learned from Tony Robbins. He said like when we get, when people get, a diagnosis of cancer or terminal cancer is, if you accept it in your into your subconscious, more than likely in research shows that people will pass away around that time. So I refused it and they just thought I was nuts. I was like no, I'm sorry, my sons are not going to be born. And they were just looking at me like I was batshit crazy. And Phil was like no, babe, we've got this, we've got this. No, they're going to be fine, they're going to be fine.

Solonge: 30:48

And I went well past the 24 hours. So they said okay, great, so we couldn't have any visitors at the time. Sorry, I could have only like really close family. So my older, the middle brother, sam, was there the whole time. My cousin was there, phil's mom like there was a few just really close people that were there, phil's brother, and then on I think it was day five they said we're going to move you up to a ward.

Solonge: 31:13

We can't believe it like you've made this far, we're moving you up to a ward. It could mean you're in bed rest for like six days, six weeks, six, however long for the rest of your pregnancy. I was like that's fine, we'll do what we got to do, we'll manage. So they're packing all my stuff to move me up. I've texted my friends saying you can visit. They said you can tell your friends they can visit this afternoon and then within an hour, like everything changed, okay, um, they basically my temperature started going up and I started vomiting and feeling really sick and I, because my cervix had been open, I got an infection and they pulled my husband aside and said we need to get these babies out. Like it's basically the babies or your wife, like we need she can get very sick very quickly. I didn't know that at the time. They obviously pulled him aside and yeah, sorry, I get sorry that's totally fine um, so yeah, that was it, and then I just had to.

Solonge: 32:14

I just, I remember the doctor and he was like patch adams, like have you ever watched that? And he said what can I do for you, because I knew at that point that there was so sorry. Another thing that I missed is so no one really knows this, unless you've been through it, but they don't resuscitate babies if they're under 24 weeks.

Solonge: 32:32

Oh, I didn't know that so it's actually a law so you have to apply to. We could have applied to the high court or I'm not sure exactly the medical board or whatever, but we didn't have time so I absolutely did not know that.

Rose: 32:47

I thought that I honestly thought and this is probably you know, having, thankfully, having not had god I don't even know how to say it now because I'm like, oh my god, it's so emotional but um, that I thought there was a chance they could make it at like nearly 24 weeks, that well, phil's brother was born at.

Solonge: 33:06

Phil's youngest brother, I think, was born at 26, I think, if I'm correct, and at the time as well, like I wanted to delete my social media, get off, like I couldn't believe this was happening to me and feels like you need to write about this. I was like no way, like I just want to disappear, and I wrote about it and I received thousands of messages. My son was born at 24 weeks. You've got this. It's fine. He's now 30 years old, he's so.

Chrystal: 33:32

People gave me so much hope and I was hanging on to that, like I mean because even a friend of mine had her baby at King Eddie and he was 22 weeks, I think. I mean now he's still got some development things. But that's why when I remember seeing what you were going through, I was thinking surely they would be okay and I didn't know they can't resus them.

Rose: 33:52

No, it's just wild time.

Solonge: 33:54

They said so we were three days short, Three days.

Chrystal: 33:58

Of them being able to be.

Solonge: 33:59

Yeah, oh, my God, so they. And the other thing was, obviously you run the risk of oh. And the other thing was, because I had an infection, there's no research. There's obviously a lot more research now, but there's no research. There's obviously a lot more research now, but there's no research to say that that hasn't gone to the kids, so they can't give you antibiotics or anything like that which they have proven that helps the babies. So, yeah, I had to deliver the babies and yeah, it was just I remember the doctor coming up to me and he's like what can I do for you? And what do you say? Like, what do you say in that situation?

Chrystal: 34:35

Did you know at that point that they were going to come out and they wouldn't make it? Or you didn't know?

Solonge: 34:39

Yeah, well, they told me. They told you they said that we can't resuscitate them. I'm in shock and they can't breathe on their own at that gestation.

Chrystal: 34:55

So their lungs are formed enough to breathe on their own. So they would pass away as soon as they. It makes no sense to me that, especially four days like come on, so that's what they're saying.

Solonge: 34:59

They're like you're in the gray, it's called the gray area, so we can apply, but we don't have time because I was sick.

Rose: 35:05

Fuck the application it's what the hell?

Solonge: 35:08

I don't understand yeah, and then you run the risk of the biggest thing as well was they were like they could have severe, yeah, cerebral palsy. They could have, yeah, brain damage.

Rose: 35:19

They could like all this stuff and it is oh, it's so much for you to take in in this one moment of it's so much and also like I appreciate.

Solonge: 35:30

Maybe I would like even just speaking about now maybe I've never expressed how much I appreciate Phil, because at the time my head is just like I've got to push these babies out and then let go and then also make this decision that could affect my daughter as well. So if I had two severely disabled twins, that would impact a layer as well. And to be fair, they didn't really ask me a lot of questions. They asked Phil because they said it was me or the twins.

Solonge: 35:59

Really, he said well, we've got another child. Like that's, it's a no-brainer, like I have to make sure my wife is okay. First, um, and at one point sorry I should say they thought that they could save Cruz. So Cruz was right up the top of my stomach, he was still um, he was up high while Leo was already protruding, like he was already coming out, and so at one point they thought maybe they could keep Cruz in there. Um, but that didn't, that didn't happen once I sorry, this is before I got the infection, a bit all over the place, but before I got the infection they thought that perhaps over the place but before I got the infection, they thought that perhaps they could save the second twin, which was Cruz, because he was sitting a little higher.

Solonge: 36:40

They might be able to stitch me up and keep him in there. But once I got the infection it was too late for any of that. So, yeah, I remember the doctor being like patch on him. He was the most beautiful man and he was like what can I? I hate saying this, but he's like what can I give you? What do you want? Do you want an epidural? They're going to be small, it's not going to be painful, but what do you want? I just said I just don't want to feel my heart. Oh, my God stop.

Solonge: 37:20

That's literally what I said to him. I was like I just well, give me something where I just don't feel my heart because I just can't, and so I think he gave me value more, all this kind of he gave me value and and everything, and I just I held them for like four hours I think, just laid them on me and yeah, like fielded and my brothers and my cousins and yeah, it was just really hard.

Rose: 37:35

Yeah, oh my god, no, don't be sorry. This is why we have this pod.

Solonge: 37:42

It's uncomfortable, these are uncomfortable conversations, and it almost feels surreal like sometimes you and I'm sure you can unless you feel like you're talking about someone else and you're like wow, did I actually go through that? Like it's just wow, like an out of body experience, that this was actually you're talking about someone else and you're like wow, did I actually go through that?

Rose: 37:55

like it's just wow, like an out-of-body experience, that this was actually. You're speaking about your own experiences. But it's exactly why I think it's so important to talk about, because this is not taboo, this is life and not for a lot of people.

Rose: 38:07

Um, so I'm so proud thank you of you and to have you on speaking about something so raw, but in the fact that it can help so many other people feel seen and heard. Unfortunately, other people go through these things the same and you are letting them know that they're not alone and thank.

Rose: 38:29

And your resilience is incredible Thank you so after when did you actually like process? Like you were in the hospital. You got to hold them for four hours. How did it go after that? Like, where was your mind at what happened going home?

Solonge: 38:52

Well, they don't leave you in very long.

Chrystal: 38:54

I was out the next morning oh my god see that's, yeah, that's where, like don't they think then about, like, mental health? Yeah, mental health, like you've just lost two babies, not just one.

Solonge: 39:05

You've lost two babies, oh, and I remember walking out and it's awful like I'm, I don't, probably don't even know what I should say, but remember walking on those two heavily pregnant women at the front of the hospital drinking alcohol and it just killed me.

Solonge: 39:19

I was just like I did everything right. I didn't eat raw eggs, I didn't do this, I didn't do that. And after everything I had been through in my life, I just felt like, why, like, why. And then some of that childhood processing came in, where I was like, did I jinx myself? You know how they like, did someone give me the evil eye because I was sharing too much online?

Solonge: 39:39

like you know, and it's one of the things my mum said to me yeah, mum's like why did you put everything online?

Solonge: 39:45

why I told you to be more private this and that and I just like now I realize it was it was none of that it really was none of that.

Solonge: 39:52

Um, we got in the car and as soon as we turn on the car which has become our twin song, and so many people message me every time they hear on the radio because they're like, every time I hear this song it reminds me of your twins. Phil and I got in the car. We were broken. We were obviously so broken and literally turned on the car. The first song on the radio was Vance Joy's we're Going Home and just the words and we just looked at each other and we just burst out crying and we just held hands and we drove home and Phil just like turned the music up and ever since then that's kind of become their anthem and every time we hear it now it gets, we feel a little bit more peace.

Solonge: 40:31

But, um, it took a long time. So afterwards I started writing. Writing was my therapy. It was really cathartic for me, but I started writing about it on insta. I had articles published on mamma mia and and all that kind of thing, but what I did was throw myself into listening to other people's stories, so my dms blew up like obviously from the article. A lot of articles went viral. I did the throw myself into listening to other people's stories, so my DMs blew up.

Solonge: 40:54

Like obviously from the article. A lot of articles went viral. I did the run for a reason we raised $15,000 for the Women and Infants Research Foundation, but what I was doing was I was counselling all these other women in my DMs through their pain.

Solonge: 41:13

And it wasn't until I saw a spiritual healer and she held my hand and she said you do realise you're just bypassing dealing with your own trauma. Yes, she said I know it is good what you're doing, a good thing, but all you're doing is prolonging your own healing because your help. Again you've fallen into that pattern of helping everybody else but you actually haven't processed what's happening. So in 2019, so a year after I took a full break from social media, for I think it was like nearly two years.

Chrystal: 41:45

I think I died. I was like stalking your account and there was nothing coming up and I was just like where has she gone?

Solonge: 41:53

Yeah, I just disappeared. I just like cutth cut through, I just had to disappear. It's healthy it was for you it was healthy and it was, and it was also really difficult, like I think a lot and I'm sure you can, you can like um agree, or I think a lot with grief as well is not only does it changes, it changes you, but it changes your friendships.

Chrystal: 42:15

It changes your purpose.

Solonge: 42:17

It changes so much in your life. I suddenly, you know, would sit in conversations and I was like I don't want to talk about this like this doesn't interest me like surface level just doesn't cut it anymore, you're just like, oh, like it's just there's so much more so, in some ways, as much as it's the hardest thing in your life you found.

Solonge: 42:36

You find such a deepness to yourself um, but it was hard as well, because then I was grieving friendships that I'd had for 20 years and I just I knew that I'd outgrown these friendships but I'd hung on to them again like just a pattern. So it was a lot of that, so a lot of change and a lot of growth. Um, what I did going back to your original question was I obviously they refer you to a psychologist. So I saw a psychologist through. Uh, king Edward referred me to a psychologist and I did that for a while and honestly I had about three sessions. She was like you're totally fine, what? And I was like she's like love that.

Solonge: 43:18

And so then I remember a friend who's now one of my best friends, steph DeVideo, if you're listening, and Steph invited me to do her meditation course and that was sort of the start of my spiritual journey and it was a six week course and I started that and then I did some one-on-one stuff with Steph and that's kind of really where I felt like I started to heal and I started to let go of the anger and the bitterness and the why me? And all of that kind of stuff.

Chrystal: 43:48

Yeah, Wow, that's powerful.

Rose: 43:49

It is, and it's that's where I think as well. It's like you leave the hospital no longer our problem, almost, yeah, and a lot of people. Where do we go from here? Yeah. So it is like it's very insightful to hear.

Chrystal: 44:02

Because also postnatal depression comes after the loss of babies.

Solonge: 44:07

Yeah, and because no one talks about that. Your milk still comes in, that's right. You're still feeling like you're pregnant, so talks about that, your milk your milk still comes in, that's right. You're still feeling like you're pregnant, that's so my milk came in. I had to deal with that, to go to the doctor and get the tablet to stop my milk. It was um, and also like I, I had to deal with a lot of guilt of having a two-year-old, and some days I would just want to lay on the couch and cry and I've I've done so much work to make up for that time with a layer and and this is another hard like it was, just like everything kept coming.

Solonge: 44:37

I remember them giving us a pamphlet after we lost the twins and it said 65% or something ridiculous. Don't quote me, but it was like 65% or something. Marriages end in divorce after stillborns.

Rose: 44:49

Oh, thanks for that, that's just another thing we had. Why would they want that to you? And I was just like, by the way you might get a divorce.

Solonge: 44:54

I was just like yeah, it was just like, the information was just, and so there was that too, because my husband threw himself into work like this. I just for any mums that have been through it like I see you, I feel like I was. I was very much alone, like as in, my husband threw himself into work and of course he was dealing with his trauma in the way that he felt best. But you do get disconnected. So we've done a lot of work as a couple to keep that connection, because for me, I was trying to be mum at home and I was so lost, like I felt like no one understood me. I felt like and because as well which both of you would understand I would go to the shops and it felt like, honestly, it felt like I had a dick drawn on my head because everyone was like come up to me, oh my God, you're the girl that lost the twins. Oh my God, you're the girl. Oh my God, inna, lou, karen, up everywhere. I used to wear big glasses.

Chrystal: 45:48

Hide.

Solonge: 45:48

Not like. I'm a big. I cannot imagine how like top celebrities do it. They would just come up to me and it was just like reinforcing the pain.

Chrystal: 45:57

But it's also insensitive, like, yeah, they could just come up and be like you know, just don't even need to say anything, and just touch you and be like I'm here if you need honestly to say those things is like I got so many messages about do you maybe think it's because you got the flu shot?

Solonge: 46:13

oh my god it was like the stuff that people deal with, like you, just don't even like it's why would you even say that to someone?

Rose: 46:22

that's the thing I feel like so many people don't know. You do not need to say you know. All you need to say is I'm so sorry for your loss. You, you can just be there. You do not need to. It happens for a reason, I want to punch. When I hear it happens for a reason, I'm like what reason is that mate? Yeah, like it's wild that some of the comments that you must have received and had to deal with while you're dealing with the loss.

Solonge: 46:51

I got like a lot of oh, or at least they weren't full term, what that broke me a lot. They were babies. I birthed them and they were fully formed.

Chrystal: 47:01

They were babies. They were babies.

Solonge: 47:03

They were beautiful and they were much bigger than the nurses expected that came out. So I've got a friend who messaged me and was going through a similar situation. She was pregnant with twins and unfortunately lost one of her twins and her son is now a little fighter, he's born, he's one, he's beautiful, but at the time, like you know, when I saw the weight of her babies and my boys were bigger, like they were big boys, they were really and I see that in Jules, like my son now, he's like a big boy.

Solonge: 47:40

So they were um, so yeah, some so many insensitive comments that you had to deal with as well, um, that people just don't even realize.

Chrystal: 47:44

It was just so much to unpack it's the unfiltered world, though like to be honest, even with dad's death, people would say things and I'd be like mate, you don't say that, yeah, yeah it's, yeah, it's also because it's not talked about they get awkward and they try to.

Rose: 47:57

They just want to make themselves feel comfortable yeah something that makes them feel comfortable in, in putting a reason behind something. Yeah, um, and I think yeah, that's why these conversations are important, because it's education too yeah, I'm very interested because I know for myself.

Chrystal: 48:13

When I went through grief, did you then head to the food again after the boys?

Solonge: 48:20

No.

Chrystal: 48:20

Okay.

Solonge: 48:21

I think that was the second pivotal moment for me after the boys.

Solonge: 48:26

I actually didn't eat for a long time, um, so I lost a bit, and then maybe I did a little bit, but not to the extent that I did before yeah so I think, like my brother, and finding out he's using was like the first pivotal point in my life where I was like I need to start honoring myself and I think I oh I never mentioned that I, after I sold my brother's house, I actually went back to uni and I got a degree.

Solonge: 48:49

I got a double degree. So this was a second pivotal point for me and it was like I I knew that I had a lot of toxic people in my life and losing the twins just made me realise like I just want to be around people that make me happy, that that feeling that I can just be myself. And, like you said, I don't think I was ever fake, but maybe I buried a lot of what happened to me out of shame and so I wanted to be around people that just loved all of that, that loved all my story and didn't think, oh, do you really want to share that? Like, do you?

Solonge: 49:24

really want to. Um, why do you do you want? I remember when I started sharing online about the twins and people were like do you really want to share? I remember being judged for sharing their photo. Some people that I knew were like oh, how could you put their photo up there? Like that's really confronting.

Chrystal: 49:38

I said they're my son. I thought I looked. I remember seeing that photo and just bawling like I think, for me. I looked at the photo and obviously I was in pain for you when I looked at the photo because I just kept thinking how were you feeling? Because that's.

Rose: 49:56

I actually think the photo is one of the most beautiful things to see.

Chrystal: 50:00

I think, because it's not shared that often, it was real, it was raw, it is, and so many women like suffer in silence.

Solonge: 50:06

And I think and for me I thought do you know what killed me as well? Again me thinking about everyone else, but at the time I thought they were my second and third babies, right. But what about women that lose for the first, their first baby? They don't get mother's day? No, they don't get. They don't get any of that recognition of being a mother even though they've birthed children, right. So I actually connected, like, with people from the east coast and I've got close friends that, um, you know at the time lost as well, and we still speak, we speak on the phone, we voice message, etc. So it's just connected me with so many people and also just more my soul sisters, like people that have, like we all have baggage, but I think some people are just better at hiding it.

Solonge: 50:48

Right, that's exactly right.

Chrystal: 50:49

It is definitely funny I found this too that that after you've suffered some kind of trauma or some kind of grief, the people that you thought would have been there for you actually sometimes are not 100 I lost friends after dad's death. And like obviously you did the same with the boys. Like, like, isn't it? It's shocking.

Solonge: 51:07

Like what the hell. It's really shocking. Like the comment that I told you about them not being full term, was like one of my closest friends.

Chrystal: 51:19

Aren't you glad they weren't. Full term was from one of your friends.

Solonge: 51:21

Yeah.

Rose: 51:22

Her closest, one of your closest friends.

Solonge: 51:25

And it just broke me and I was just like how can you say that? I remember it was we, someone else we know had lost a child and I remember her calling me and she was like so devastated for them, so devastated, so devastated, and that was.

Chrystal: 51:38

She was really, really harping on and obviously I was shattered is this after or after my twins and, oh, she was devastated for them, but she didn't act like that for you.

Solonge: 51:46

She was devastated for me, but I remember her going on and on and on about this and Phil and I I remember opening my Instagram and it was the first post I saw that these people we know had lost someone. And Phil and I were driving to Lancelin. I'll never forget and we both bawled our eyes out, because when you know that pain you don't wish it for anybody else, like nobody.

Solonge: 52:09

And I remember that conversation. My friend and I was like oh, you do realize I've been through the same thing. She was yeah, but yours went full term and I was I was. I am gobsmacked. Yeah, I am a bit.

Chrystal: 52:20

I think too. I'm proud of you that you've disconnected from that person, because you don't need people like that in your life. Sorry, because that's just one comment. I'm sure she's made many other comments to you that maybe you haven't realized yeah, yeah, I think I had like um people.

Solonge: 52:36

You just outgrow people right like I'm not bitter towards anyone. I think everyone in your life is there for a season, for a reason, yeah, and I do think, like in some ways, she helped me play it safe all the time, maybe play it a little bit small, I used to dull myself down a little bit, just and so I think you change and you grow and you and, yeah, like I still have love for everyone that was in my life and I think um, the biggest lesson, I guess, in thinking like it's just come up for me and reflecting on all these people, is we need to look at everyone in our life as mirrors, and even my brother, my mom and everything.

Solonge: 53:17

At some point in my life I used to resent them and be like why didn't I get a better this, why didn't I get a better that? But without them I wouldn't be who I am today and also know like maybe I would have ended up on a path of addiction or or destruction or misery, like depression, if I didn't have those mirrors there mirroring back how different people deal with pain yeah so for me.

Solonge: 53:42

I look at mom and I'm like I don't want to be depressed, I don't want to yep you, I don't want to. You know I don't want to. I'm 38 this year and she was still talking about the divorce with my dad 38 years ago.

Chrystal: 53:54

She's still dealing with her traumas.

Solonge: 53:55

Yeah, and I'm like I don't want to be and that was a big thing at Tony Robbins, like he did some NLP work and when I imagine, he's like imagine if your life didn't change at all, what change at all, what would it be like?

Chrystal: 54:14

so I'm I'm actually really grateful for the people that I've had in my life because they there are mirrors of what I could be if I stay the same and I don't change, and I don't evolve, and continue to grow.

Rose: 54:19

I just learned a lesson. I know it's a it's evolution and it's also really important to learn from others mistakes yeah. I'm just quoted my dad, yeah thanks, dad, yeah but, um, it is true, like what you're saying is like I really I think me and Crystal were just looking at each other just then and going yeah, we've got those people that we resent yeah, when in actual fact, maybe we should be saying, okay, thank you, because I don't want to be like you

Solonge: 54:44

yeah, you know what? It's such a powerful shift when you can shift to resenting or hating them or being angry at them, because you know who carries the weight of that right it's you it is us that carries the weight, and so for so long I felt heavy, like I'm carrying all this. I'm carrying, I'm carrying um, and, like now, I just appreciate the lessons that they gave me and I look at it and I'm like, wow, you've taught me that if I don't process my pain, it's going to show up in another way.

Rose: 55:14

I'm just going to process it and if I don't process it, it's going to end up with my kids are going to be the next in line. So, yeah, that generational breaking, generational trauma, basically I bloody don't want to do that to my kids and that's exactly why I'm doing the work, because the ones before me bless my bloody lesser cotton socks, but they haven't done it. Yeah, 100%. So, moving on from that, you have come such. You've come like 360. Oh, thank you. Like it's a beautiful thing to have witnessed um and to hear your story. So you've done the work. Yeah, what has? Where are you now like?

Solonge: 55:55

I think you, we always continue to do the work like we do the work, and when we say we do the work, it's just about facing ourselves, right, yeah it's just about sitting with ourselves and I think, um, for so long after losing the twins, I really filled every day with stuff.

Solonge: 56:09

I'm going to do this, I'm going to do that, I'm going to do this, and I think I'm in a place now where I'm stripping it right back and I'm just trying to be really present with myself and my kids and like I want to give back. I think for me for all of this to have happened in my life. I used to see it as such a a bad thing, and now I see it as maybe this is my gift maybe this is my gift to give back to people that they can get through whatever it is.

Solonge: 56:40

They are overcoming any adversity that they're facing. They can get through it. Um, I think you need to feel in order to heal and that's a big part and not distract that yeah, oh my god, that was me this morning.

Chrystal: 56:53

I was like I'm just gonna feel it.

Rose: 56:54

Yes, I'm gonna listen to that after, because she won't let me listen to it now. But um, feel in order to heal.

Chrystal: 57:02

Yeah, I just wanted to repeat that there needs to be a bumper sticker, I know but god damn it.

Rose: 57:07

I know what it's like to sit in uncomfortable it's, it feels like shit, and that's why I like to be busy. That's why you like to be busy, yeah, um. So I think yes, let's repeat that guys feel in order to heal. This is one of her little bombs here that she's giving. I just love her so much. That's why I was, like, had to cut you off there.

Solonge: 57:32

Oh, honestly, because I think it's like in this society, it's so easy to be busy, right it's? About the hustle culture.

Solonge: 57:38

It's about what we need to do. And distracting ourselves, distracting ourselves. But when we do that, we move even further away from who we really are. Yeah, move even further away from who we really are. Yeah, so I always just come back to my heart what feels right, what, what feels aligned, and go with that. And, like I said, people in your life you need to look at them as your trick is another one for you your trigger is your treasure. You can thank Charlotte Beswick for that one oh, I love her, love her.

Solonge: 58:02

Your trigger is your treasure. Like people that trigger me now I'm like I have more love and empathy and I look at them and I'm like what's going on for you, like what I become curious about. Do you get me?

Rose: 58:14

Oh, Crystal, Crystal's going mind blown guys. I think sometimes we forget this is like a speaker.

Chrystal: 58:20

Trigger is your treasure.

Solonge: 58:21

Yes, I will try to embrace that, but right now I'm thinking how I'll give you a really simple example, right, some people, like someone shows up on stories and they're talking, they're like, oh, who does she think she is right? I've heard, like people around like you see them judging and it's because maybe in them they don't have the courage to do that. Like so your trigger is always reflecting back something at you. So maybe I know I struggled with sometimes okay, a big one for me, right, I'll be honest here. I struggled sometimes with people coming across like they were selfish, right, because I always put people before me yeah now I realized that trigger was there to show me that I needed to be more selfish, right?

Solonge: 59:09

So I had a lot of people in my life that were quite selfish, like when I would do stuff for them, but when it came to doing reciprocating, I never received like anything and I didn't expect. Don't get me wrong. I never expected, but it just became recurring to me and then when I identified I was like maybe it's a lesson for me that I need to look after myself first, and maybe you want that for yourself and that's why it was triggering you.

Rose: 59:32

Yeah, actually, that is something that I have done a lot. So whenever I'm triggered by someone, instead of getting upset about like, if I'm jealous of something, I'm like, why am I jealous of that? Yeah, where's it coming?

Rose: 59:43

from and then it's like is it because you want that? And a lot of the time it's because we do want something, like we might say someone that's uber confident or whatever in themselves, in their everyday life, and someone else gets jealous. And who do you think you are like? You said yeah, and it's more so because I wish I could have a bit of that. I wish I could be a little bit more confident. So, it's about, yeah, also mirroring your triggers.

Solonge: 1:00:07

Yeah, and sometimes it's not like directly. Like sometimes people look at someone's life and they're like, oh, I wish I had that car. Maybe they have blockages in terms of finances. They don't think they're worthy enough to earn better money Like do you know what I mean? So it could be.

Chrystal: 1:00:20

I think my triggers are different.

Rose: 1:00:23

Go on, what's one?

Chrystal: 1:00:28

No, I just get I can't, even I'm not allowed to. They're deep. They're deep. I'm going to dig it out.

Rose: 1:00:33

You will don't worry.

Solonge: 1:00:35

My triggers are it takes time, though right.

Chrystal: 1:00:38

I do have a little bit of those like I would call those like superficial triggers, like I look at somebody and be like oh yeah, I like that, or I want that or, or they were just examples. I don't have those triggers, oh yeah. But I'm saying like, yeah, of course I have those kind of triggers, but sometimes I get triggered by something and I want to throw up. I don't want to look at that person, I want to hide, like they don't make me feel like it's not, like I want that.

Chrystal: 1:01:06

It's I don't want that, or I don't have any boundaries.

Solonge: 1:01:09

Yeah, because honestly, like that's one thing that I learned Like I was getting anxious around certain people like almost panic attacky and I was like I don't need this around me.

Solonge: 1:01:20

Like we have a choice and it's really hard, I know it's easy Like we say we have a choice, but we do have a choice. This is we get one life and we're the writer of it. We get to choose who are the main characters in that story. Right, that's true, absolutely. And it's not that you need to, like, as I said, even with that friend, like when I see that friend, I give her a hug, say how's the family? La la la, not just one friend, like a few that are no longer in my sort of inner circle, but you just have to know who you want at the table.

Solonge: 1:01:49

It doesn't mean just because you don't want them at the table, it doesn't mean you don't want to see them eat and thrive and whatever. It's. Just you know who your people are.

Chrystal: 1:01:56

Yeah, I'm still learning.

Solonge: 1:01:59

I think we all are. We all are, it's every day.

Chrystal: 1:02:01

So let's talk about what you want to do with your future now, because I find this so exciting.

Rose: 1:02:06

Yeah, I'm excited, come on.

Solonge: 1:02:10

Spill the tea girl. So this has been a massive one for me, trying to let go because one of my biggest patterns is hanging on. I've always had to survive, as you've heard from the whole story, so I've been really financially independent since I was very young, like 15. So I am in a corporate role which obviously I earn very good money in, but my passion has just not been there for a long time.

Solonge: 1:02:33

And I've had to try and break that pattern of just hanging on to something. But yeah, my next steps are to get into the speaking and coaching space and mentoring. So I'm looking at doing a coaching course and starting a women's sort of community and workshops and one-on-ones and, yeah, just giving back all the lessons that I've learned and helping people overcome adversity and find you know what?

Chrystal: 1:02:56

I love the fact that you're going into this and you've actually experienced things that are very mind-blowing. Trauma, because not saying that a lot of these coaches don't know what they're doing, but sometimes they're coaching on something they've never even gone through themselves.

Rose: 1:03:10

Yeah, but also we were talking about it before they haven't done the work. Like you have put in a lot of work and like you're saying, and you still will and will continue to do so. So I think, it's really refreshing as well.

Solonge: 1:03:24

Thank you. Thank you, yeah, I've done like I've done Western medicine, I've done, you know, the spiritual side. I think I've done like a whole collective to try and understand. I'm like it's it's probably a good and a bad thing, but I'm someone that will over-research something just so I, you know, can have a full body. But I think, yeah, a lot of the life experience and the the varying life experience. I guess, I have a real ability to connect with people on really different walks of life because there's so much there that I've unpacked Look.

Rose: 1:03:53

I have to say you are powerful. It's not just your story. I was actually going to come in and say your story is so powerful, but it's not the story, it is you who are powerful. Thank you, you have been more than brave, thank you.

Rose: 1:04:07

So it has just actually been such a pleasure to have you on and to chat with you today. I would love for you to share where we can find you now, what links we can put in for you, and I know that you are also doing the HBF Run for a Reason to honour your boys and to support charity, so please fill us in on all of that oh, so you can find me on instagram at simply solange, and my website will be coming soon.

Solonge: 1:04:34

It's a work in progress, so it's all the little things tickling on behind the scenes. Um, and I'll also share on my instagram the hbf run for a reason link if you would like to donate that would be great that is amazing.

Chrystal: 1:04:46

Thank you for having me. Oh my gosh, we are so grateful to have you on. Thank you, I know for myself. I've I've literally known you for years and years and I've seen you go through the waves and there's been moments where you did disappear, and I'm so happy now that this little butterfly is blossoming and you're coming out of your and we're gonna watch you.

Solonge: 1:05:06

you fly, thank you. Thank you so much. I love that you've supported me for so long. I appreciate it. No worries.

Rose: 1:05:13

I know, I think we've got to give you the backstory of the cocoon, the cocoon, the cocoon. We always feel like, at some stages of our lives, we're either the caterpillar, you're in the cocoon going through the metamorphosis. You're either drying your wings or you are blossoming and flying away.

Solonge: 1:05:36

So that's new tattoo ideas for her. Yeah, I love it. So that's where and my little girl shared that because my our spirit animal. As a family, we always see blue butterflies and it shows up as my twins so I love that.

Rose: 1:05:45

Yes, and the butterfly for me is always something that I feel like is life. It's transformation and evolution, and we always refer to it as the cocoon. That's how Rose's daughter says it Cocoon she calls it in the cocoon, and I think we can all put ourselves into that space of life. And so when she said you were blossoming, and I think you are, your wings are dry and you're ready to fly.

Solonge: 1:06:05

Thank you, thank you so much. I'm excited. No worries at all.

Rose: 1:06:09

All of her details we will pop in the show notes and when her website is all ready and up and running, we will definitely share it with you on our Instagram and socials. So thank you so much, Solange. Remember, guys, to always take care of yourself and take care of each other.

Chrystal: 1:06:28

Bye.