Let's Chat! send us a message, question or a confession to unpack!
On this episode we were joined with relationship coach Aston Simmonds. Aston's raw account of navigating the complexities of her marriage post-childbirth resonates with a heartfelt truth many couples face – the choice between growth together or divorce. This episode peels back the layers of vulnerability, communication, and individual needs that are integral to fostering a resilient partnership.
Our conversation spans the often overlooked work that sustains love in long-term relationships, challenging the fairy-tale narrative society sells us. We share personal anecdotes, from the 'years of boring' that test our resolve to the 'happy dog hack' that keeps the spark alive during the dullest moments. We also examine the intricate dance of masculine and feminine energies, revealing how emotional communication and shared goals play a pivotal role in the modern relationship dynamic, including the way we feel love, connect, and play together.
Parenting, with its pressures and imperfections, also comes under the microscope. We discuss how different parenting styles and emotional needs can coexist within a family, and why expressing vulnerability can lead to stronger connections with our children. Navigating the waters of personal growth and the potential for separation, we conclude that while individual evolution can sometimes lead to parting ways, and that’s okay too, it's a natural and healthy facet of life's journey. We learnt so much in this chat with Aston - this episode isn't just a discussion; it's an invitation to embrace the messiness of love, life, and the connections that define us.
We will be having Aston on again soon so send us any questions you have or want to unpack!
You can find more and connect with Aston here:
Instagram @aston_simmonds
Website https://astonsimmonds.com/
Or on YouTube
Connect with Rose and Chrystal on Instagram for more stories and fun mini-weekly catch-ups.
DM the girls, get involved with the conversations, and feel free to ask the hard questions!
@baringitall_thepodcast
Rose Oates
@roseoates_
Chrystal Russell
@chrystalrussell_
And don’t forget to take care of yourself and each other -
With Love Rose & Chrystal x
Let's Chat! send us a message, question or a confession to unpack!
On this episode we were joined with relationship coach Aston Simmonds. Aston's raw account of navigating the complexities of her marriage post-childbirth resonates with a heartfelt truth many couples face – the choice between growth together or divorce. This episode peels back the layers of vulnerability, communication, and individual needs that are integral to fostering a resilient partnership.
Our conversation spans the often overlooked work that sustains love in long-term relationships, challenging the fairy-tale narrative society sells us. We share personal anecdotes, from the 'years of boring' that test our resolve to the 'happy dog hack' that keeps the spark alive during the dullest moments. We also examine the intricate dance of masculine and feminine energies, revealing how emotional communication and shared goals play a pivotal role in the modern relationship dynamic, including the way we feel love, connect, and play together.
Parenting, with its pressures and imperfections, also comes under the microscope. We discuss how different parenting styles and emotional needs can coexist within a family, and why expressing vulnerability can lead to stronger connections with our children. Navigating the waters of personal growth and the potential for separation, we conclude that while individual evolution can sometimes lead to parting ways, and that’s okay too, it's a natural and healthy facet of life's journey. We learnt so much in this chat with Aston - this episode isn't just a discussion; it's an invitation to embrace the messiness of love, life, and the connections that define us.
We will be having Aston on again soon so send us any questions you have or want to unpack!
You can find more and connect with Aston here:
Instagram @aston_simmonds
Website https://astonsimmonds.com/
Or on YouTube
Connect with Rose and Chrystal on Instagram for more stories and fun mini-weekly catch-ups.
DM the girls, get involved with the conversations, and feel free to ask the hard questions!
@baringitall_thepodcast
Rose Oates
@roseoates_
Chrystal Russell
@chrystalrussell_
And don’t forget to take care of yourself and each other -
With Love Rose & Chrystal x
Welcome to Bearing it All with
Chrystal:where the conversations get real, emotions run raw, and nothing is filtered.
Rose:Buckle up because we're Bearing it All deep, diving into everything from motherhood to mental health and everything in between. We want to get to know you, each other and our bodies, and things are going to get spicy. We're spicy.
Chrystal:Are you ready for it?
Rose:Let's do it. Today On Bearing it All, we have Aston Simmons. Aston is a relationship coach who helps women and couples to start communicating, connect and recreate their relationships. We love how open she is with her own stories on socials, giving hacks and tips and writing articles which have been featured in Mamma Mia, the New York Post and KidSpot, just to name a few. We are so excited to have you here today and unpack some of this, as we all have been in relationships or have been, and so welcome to the pod today, aston. Thank you so much. I'm going to get us kick-started straight away because we're so excited to get into this episode, so let's start with you first. Four years ago, you got to a point in your own marriage where you seriously thought about divorce, but you're still married. So how did you get to that place where you felt like you were going to be divorcing, and how did you come back from it today to be happily married?
Aston:Yeah, definitely. So I think we kind of hit that point. It was after our second child, so I have my daughter and it really showed all the cracks. I don't know if anyone listening can relate, but when you have children it like it really stretches you emotionally, physically, financially and yeah, a lot, I feel it A lot. And we kind of got away with it with our first.
Aston:Um, I was that woman who was doing everything, kind of took responsibility for everything and, you know, was a bit of a perfectionist and just tried to control it all.
Aston:But by the second I couldn't physically do that anymore and the cracks really started to show and I just got to the point I remember I was breastfeeding my daughter one night and I just thought I don't know if I can keep doing this, like I already felt so depleted, I didn't feel supported, our relationship was not looking like I thought a relationship was meant to look, and so those questions started to come in and I decided, after I put my daughter down that night we'd been fighting, you know, having the same arguments over and over again, feeling like things weren't getting resolved, and I felt like we were kind of done talking about it. So I went to my husband and I basically said to him look, I'm not happy in this relationship anymore and, honestly, this is the first time I've ever considered that maybe we're not meant to be together forever, forever. You know, maybe divorce is something that we need to consider. And he was actually shocked, which kind of blew my mind at the time, because I was like, babe, you are in this relationship with me.
Rose:You're like, aren't you?
Aston:feeling it. You know we are having these arguments together Like, but it's actually really common that that happens, because the way men kind of see that time is very different to women. So my husband was kind of telling himself, well, we've just had kids, it's normal, we're not getting enough sleep, like he was kind of justifying all of the things, all of these cracks, and kind of like seeing it as normal, whereas for me I was like I can't do like another year of this, let alone like you know how much longer. Like I needed some progress to help me to keep going. So I basically said to him look, that's how I feel, but I'm actually done arguing about it. I said to him I want to get help, I want to find a way for us to move forward. And for me that was either I'm moving forward on my own and growing and moving forward, or we're moving forward together. And I think the way that I presented it to him with that vulnerability, he really appreciated that, because I hadn't been doing that up until that point. I was just complaining, whinging, you know, why aren't you doing this, that kind of thing? And it would just turn into an argument Every single time. Yeah, yeah. So that's kind of the turning point where it happened.
Aston:And then I would love to say that, you know, he was like yes, and came on board straight away. But this is bearing it all and I tell the truth, and he was not on board Initially. He was like, okay, well, that sounds great. But he was kind of scared. He didn't know what was going to come up. He thought maybe we'd do all this work and we still wouldn't be together, and then was it a waste of time. He thought maybe we'd do all this work and we still wouldn't be together, and then was it a waste of time. Yeah, yeah, he had a lot of fears around it and I acknowledged that. But I said to him to me, what's scarier is staying the same, like that is what was scarier for me. So I said to him look, I respect that and I still love you, but I'm going to start this journey and that's what I did.
Aston:I basically started without him and it was hard because I felt like I was doing all the work but I was also getting the benefits of it. So it meant that I was actually receiving what I wanted and getting my needs met, but it wasn't coming from him and it was hard because I wanted it to be with him but he just didn't have the capacity at that time, like in himself, he wasn't at that place. So I basically went on that journey on my own, you know, started reading books, doing courses, joined like women's groups and women's circles where I could get all those needs met and process what was going on for me. And then this shift kind of happened where I started showing up differently in the relationship. If he was going to try and have the same argument that we kept having over and over again, I didn't fall into that same pattern of like attacking him and, you know, getting bigger and louder like I used to, or I was so critical like I would be really critical of him, and I just stopped doing those things.
Aston:And after about six months, he just kept kind of looking at me with this look like, what are you doing, you know? Because he was like confused. He was like you look the same, but it doesn't feel the same. And he didn't know what I was doing because he said he wasn't, you know, ready to do it. And he, he basically said to me what have you been doing? Because I'm starting to feel like things are, you know, shifting, but I'm not doing anything. And I was like yeah, and so I shared with him you're like mate because, I am?
Chrystal:yeah, because I am. But you know what the funny thing is? I feel like, as you're talking about this, how many people do we know that literally live day to day the same shit, like Groundhog Day, but then they complain about their relationship and never do the work and we're talking like I think our parents did it, oh, 100%, and they stayed married and just stayed the same.
Rose:I know couples now to this day friends of mine as well that will openly say they think it will get better on its own, maybe after he into
Aston:going on in their relationship you know, and the truth of fine. Like anytime I have used that word, yeah, or I hear someone else the truth is everything's fucked, but I it is, because when you say it, you go fine and you know. That's what happens. Because you don't. You don't even know where to start when has fine.
Rose:Ever be for ever been fine.
Chrystal:It's never been fine it's like I'm fine it's never, it's not good, I've never seen it said I'm fine and actually be fine, yeah, but also like what word?
Rose:when would you, when would we ever use the word fine it ever, ever, no you don't nothing should be just fine, no, no, and that's yeah that's.
Chrystal:Yeah, you're right, it's fucked.
Rose:Fine is fucked.
Aston:And that's where I got to. I was like in that, fine, you know, from the outside, everyone was like you've got the kids, the house, you know all the check, boss. You were saying the old school kind of measure of success in a relationship is, um, longevity, like being together for a long time. But I know plenty of people who have been together for a long time but they don't communicate, they don't connect, they don't really they sleep in different bedrooms.
Aston:They don't really care about each other, um, they don't have joint goals and visions and, like, for me, I got to that point where, you know, Adam and I have been together 20 years this year and we're about to celebrate our 10-year wedding anniversary and even then, when this was going on, we'd been together 16 years and I got to the point of, like this is amazing.
Aston:But I don't want just a long relationship, I want a deep relationship. I want to feel like we're evolving, we're growing, like I want to feel like we're evolving, we're growing, like I want to feel like we're moving towards things together, not just sitting in this autopilot, existing, you know, talking about the bills and work and the kids, and you know, for me that just wasn't enough and I think it used to be enough in a relationship. But I think now, in today's world, it's a different territory. People are looking for different things in their relationship and I do think we want more of that passion, that connection, that intimacy, because we don't just want it to last, we want it to actually feel good on that journey we want to live 100%.
Aston:You want to feel like you're alive, and that doesn't mean good all the time. So I really encourage tough conversations, and that's exactly what me and my husband had to go through to get where we are today. It was so many tough conversations, so many uncomfortable feelings, facing that shame of feeling like, oh my God, am I going to get a divorce you know I come from parents who have been together, I don't know.
Aston:I think they've celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary. You know I've come from that, so I totally understand this stigma and this shame. But once I spoke it out and I kind of started sharing vulnerably what I was going through, I was actually met with a lot of women saying, god, like I can really relate, but you're so brave to talk about this. And I remember thinking why is it brave to talk about the truth of the challenges that we are all having in our relationships?
Rose:thank you, can we just get an amen? No, joke like why is that brave? Why is it brave to talk about things that happen to?
Chrystal:everybody. I think it doesn't matter what the subject is. If you're talking about something that's a bit taboo, you're brave yeah.
Aston:But I think that's kind of sad because we used to sit around and tell stories and we didn't used to filter those stories because if we did, they wouldn't have been helpful. Like, how do you learn from somebody if they only tell you the highlights, like I know? For me, I've learned from people's challenges and their vulnerability and to me that is strength and that's what I really have come for and that's my intention in sharing my story. I love that.
Rose:And also exactly what you're saying, like if we see everything as perfect, like sometimes we just see the highlight reel, social media, we see the happy Valentine's Day posts. We see the happy couples on socials going to dinner or getting presents or having a love, like, oh, I love you, the last 10 years have been the best years of my life. That's a snippet, totally, and I think the movies, everything as well. We grow up with this sense of what love should be, but not not what love really is, especially if you end up in a long-term relationship. You like I love Craig. I loved Craig. When I met him, I thought I loved him. On my wedding day I thought I did and I did. I was in love with him. But I the way I love him now is whoa, it's unmeasurable. I even said to him I didn't think I could love you like this. I do love you even more than I ever thought. We have been through some shit, but I think that's why you love him more today.
Aston:It's the adversity that creates that depth, that richness, and that's true for my relationship as well. Like I don't believe that kind of idea out there or that belief that you know from marriage. It's all downhill, like yes, it gets hard.
Aston:I do think the wedding day is the start of your relationship, not the end and I think a lot of people think it's the end. We made it. No, it's actually the start and the work really begins then. But if you can lean into it and you can see those challenges as a catalyst for your growth, because you need adversity or challenge to grow. You don't grow when everything's perfect and sure, I'd love for it to be easier, I'd love to have not had some of the challenges I've been through, because we've been through so many together in our relationship as well. But I actually wouldn't change it because I know that's why we have that level of depth and richness and that's why we were able to recreate it. It's because of the challenges. If it was all perfect and roses, we wouldn't have that same level of connection. Yeah, you know, absolutely.
Chrystal:I think too these days I'm finding with a lot of my friends that have recently separated or divorced, when it gets too hard, a hundred percent, they're jumping ship, like I can't deal with this, it's too much, you're too much, like the arguing. They don't even want to like sort it out. It's kind of just like yeah, they just rather say it's done than put in any work.
Aston:Yeah, and I think again there's that narrative that we've been sold like, sold from the media and like and Disney that basically they get married and then the movie stops. Yes, it stops at the wedding.
Rose:Do you know what I mean? Yes, like literally every Disney film and they lived happily ever after it's every bloody movie actually. Every bloody movie I mean and I love that, yeah, same I love a romantic.
Aston:I love. I'm such a romantic, but I think we need to start creating some movies where we do like the follow-up sequel.
Chrystal:Look, Sex and the City has been a good one for that I think series and stuff that are just realistic.
Aston:Yeah, like what actually happens when you get home, what actually happens after that? What happens?
Rose:when you've got years can I be honest? Years of boring? Yeah, can I be honest? Years of boring? Yeah. What I mean by years of boring is, for me, okay, I do work full-time hours, but I am in my back with the kids, so I've gone like I have two older kids and two younger kids, so two toddlers, so I'm like primary parent, yeah, and I'm calling it the years of boring because at the moment, nothing super exciting has happened. We don't have a wedding coming up, we're not planning to have another baby. Like, our baby days are over. Sex is, you know what it is?
Aston:Yeah, Well, they call it parent sex. It's parent sex. Which to be honest with you.
Rose:it's so fucked. Yeah, it's not that same level of connection.
Aston:I've got four of connection. You still have two in your bed. Yeah, man, like in my bed, or?
Rose:they're knocking at the door, even if you're trying to like you know, just before we're going to have a shower, yeah, and I'm like I'm going to just bend over the sink and cop one, and you know what I mean. But just to get a bit of connection, yeah, I'm feeling like crystal said before, like those groundhog days. Yeah, they're just the same shit trying to fit in a bit of nookie, trying to pay the bills, the same chats. You're going to work nine to five and, if you're lucky, on a Saturday and Sunday. Not everyone has kids, but like the Saturday and Sunday is either like sports for them.
Rose:Yeah, the kids parties uh, events Like we could be doing work because Crystal and I both, like have our own businesses, it's for me I'm feeling like I'm in those a bit boring. Where's the boring years in the Happily Ever Afters? Because they exist.
Aston:And they do, and we have definitely had them, and I don't think there's anything wrong with them. I do think there's meant, like nature, there's meant to be seasons. This stage can be sometimes termed like the roommate stage. So you're kind of passing in the hallway, bumping in the fridge, yes, that kind of thing, and you kind of are running on autopilot. But there are some little things that you can do, because that's what Adam and I found is it wasn't the big things, so it wasn't the big weekends away, the big holidays, you know, the romantic dinners. It wasn't those big things now in this season that actually made a difference. It was the little things that were compounding, or the lack of those little things that was compounding.
Aston:So I'm talking like something that I share that I started to do was the I call it the happy dog hack. So when my husband was coming in from work we don't have a dog, but what I called it happy dog hack, because my kids would be like dad's home and would run to the door literally like a happy dog. And one day I was like, oh, like he looks so excited to see them. Like, why isn't he excited like that to see me? And then I kind of thought well, hang on a minute. When he comes in the door, I don't even sometimes go and greet him.
Aston:I am guilty. Yeah, sometimes I'm on my phone or I'm cooking or, and no judgment because I was doing the same. But I was like if I want him to greet me with that level of excitement and to actually be excited to come and support me in the home for the like crazy dinner period with the kids, maybe I need to greet him at the door, and so for months that's what I did. I like I would like bolt to the door to try and beat the kids Like and it became I feel so guilty right now.
Chrystal:My husband will come home and he'll be like hi guys, I'm home and kind of waits for somebody to say hello.
Rose:And sometimes he doesn't get it, and they have four dogs, so the dogs are greeting him.
Aston:Good, I'm so glad the dogs are there, the dogs greet him. I really like don't feel guilty about it, because I don't believe that guilt or shame helps us make change For me. I just acknowledge in that moment I want to experience connection with him.
Aston:And so many women I speak to when their men come home, really what they want is to be held, like you might have had a tough day with the kids or a hard day at work and really you just want to be held. But instead of going over to him and holding him and giving him a hug, we sometimes be like, oh, my day was this and then and oh, it's okay for you, and dah, dah, dah. And then we wonder why they're not holding us or like putting their arms out. And I get it Like I've done that too. But I made this tiny little, tiny little shift and I did it for months without telling him. And then I asked him and I wrote an article on it cause I was just mind blown. I asked him months later, like what the impact of that was on him, and we were laying in bed and he actually said to me babe, he got tears in his eyes. He said that was actually everything he said.
Aston:I have never felt so appreciated by you than those few months where you were making that really big effort to show me that you were even just happy to see me, and how simple is that.
Rose:So simple, Honestly so simple simple, pulled me up on this. Yeah, I've told you about this. He, um, I was actually offended like he was the happy dog. Yeah, so he would come in and he would be excited to see me because obviously he's worked away, but then he does do long hours.
Rose:Um, I was such an asshole but I would be in the kitchen or whatever, or when we sort of swap roles at that time because I have work to do as well, um, not just like around content, but then like I work through the night at times, like to finish things in my, in my job, without the kids, like in my ear hole, yes, and he would come up in the kitchen and put his arms around me and greet me every single day and he would try to kiss me. And I'd just be like cheek, yeah, yeah. And he had to say one day he's like you know, that is so offensive, I don't even need two minutes of your time, it's like 30 seconds. So I turned around and I huffed I would huff every single day that he'd do it. I'd be like and I was like I can't describe, like obviously it's a podcast. So I was just I can't describe, like obviously it's a podcast. So I was just like I turned to him and I'd be like yeah, are you happy now? Like here's my kiss.
Aston:But I totally get that because I had a season of this and it's because you're already empty. So again, don't like blame yourself.
Rose:It feels like another demand, like someone else's need that you need to meet and that's what I was going to ask you, because I was like, oh so I've got a bloody run to door. Yes, so many women say this, how about so?
Aston:but he was coming to me, don't get me wrong, but about the thought of like running to him.
Rose:I'm like fuck you, like come to me if you want love and affection, I'll give it to you. Oh no, I wouldn't actually see. I just admit it in the same sentence, like if I didn, didn't go to him, I wasn't, he wasn't going to come to me.
Aston:Yeah, yeah, see this is the I call it like the chicken and the egg, like who goes first, kind of thing. Because women do. Women do a lot, they really do a lot, and it can feel like why do I have to do more to get what I already deserve? And that it can appear like that and I totally get that. The first shift that I would recommend here is to start meeting your needs, like when you are that depleted and I mean again in small ways like you're a mom, you're busy, it's not, it's you. If you're not filling yourself up and you don't feel like your needs are being acknowledged, it will feel like someone else is taking from you and that's where the resentment builds.
Aston:And so the first thing I would say is you know, even before he comes home, can you take five minutes to go and breathe or dance, like I love dancing? Music helps me to just like drop into my body. I love to like, you know, just pretend I'm in like a you know out in the club, like don't get to do that anymore. So you know, drop it like it's hot in my kitchen and then get like meet that need for myself, and then it makes it so much easier to meet that need for him. And what I will say is I thought that I was doing this for him and it was great that he got a benefit. But, like I said, I wanted to be held and I like was asking for it. But I was asking for it in the wrong way, like kind of demanding it like with my arms closed, like why aren't you giving me what I need? And then when I kind of looked at that, I was like well, aston, are you open or are you closed right now? And I was closed.
Aston:And in your example you were closed off to Craig, and that's why it felt like offensive to him is because that was like a bid, for they call it like a bid for connection or a bid for love, and there's so many times where we do these bids, where we unintentionally and unconsciously erode the bid for love or the bid for connection.
Rose:Oh, it got to a point. We had a full-blown argument over it.
Rose:So he was like you are so like he was like, fine, I'm not even going to bother with you anymore. And I was like whoa. And then I exploded as in like I am fucking doing dinner, I've got this. Look at them. They've drawn on the wall. They drew a massive smiley face on the back of the door with permanent marker. My brother had just like painted the doors for us. I was like go fuck yourself. Um, like, yeah, you know you, you want this hug. I was like come and do something. And then come and like see me. And I was like whoa, it was a massive, it was, it was disgusting. But but he ended up coming with me and saying, oh, um, rose, like because time is a thing for me as well, like I don't understand, I'm not good with time management, I'm not good with time in my head so he was like it literally takes no time.
Rose:He's like it's a hug, it's 30 seconds and then you can 100% get back to what you're doing.
Aston:This is after the fact, yeah, and I was like, wow, it is only 30 seconds yeah, but I would say it's less about the time, like that's the surface level, it's less about the time, like that's the surface level, it's less about the time, it's less about I think you know you want to, you want to be able to, yeah, but you're in that moment when you're cooking, you're in that zone. You've probably had like how much happened in that day. And this is hard for women, especially who are mums and then, you know, have a business as well to transition. It's overstimulating.
Rose:Yeah.
Aston:How do we transition between all these roles? And it is a dance and the demand for that transition, I think, has just got like next level and I do think women today have been conditioned to live from their masculine, which is very productive, like it's great because it's productive, but we don't have that chance to rest. You know our men want that nurturing, loving, warm side of us.
Chrystal:This is both of us, babe. What are you talking about, meg? This is both of us. I had this. Oh my God.
Rose:It's definitely both of us. But I'm looking at you and you're just giving me that dream Because we're just like we're independent women.
Chrystal:Yes, we're going to make the monies. Yes, make the monies. Yes, we're going to do this. Yep Just got big goals. Big dreams, yeah, and then our husbands kind of just like follow along behind us, yes, yeah, kind of want to be supportive, but don't know what the thing she fucking wants to do now, because she's always doing something different, 100% Yep, and this is a common problem, especially with the biz babes.
Aston:And it's something I'm working on for businesswomen because I've noticed it's a gap that they kind of don't fit into. The like I help a lot of parents. They kind of don't fit in there. They wouldn't necessarily go see a counsellor because they're successful, they're, you know, often don't like to admit they're struggling, like they're high achievers, they're, you know, go-getters. So they need something in the middle.
Aston:And I've really noticed with a lot of business women that this happens and like they'll say to me that you know, I'm like killing it at work and like doing all these amazing things. And then I come home and I'm like, yeah, let's go to my partner and he's kind of like, babe, I'm not attracted to that and the issue there is just that there hasn't been a transition. Like you can do the masculine go, go, go, it has a place. Like we need both masculine and feminine. Even as women we need both, we need. I describe the masculine as like the container, and then the feminine is like your expression of it. But you need that container. Like the podcast is your container, and then you come on here and you express what you want to express.
Aston:So that kind of analogy. But you, if you just rely on the masculine container and you don't have that authentic expression of the feminine, you are going to find yourself burning out or like ticking the boxes but not feeling lit up by it. And that's the gift of the feminine, it's that energy, that essence inside, and you can do certain things to help you transition through that, like I know for a lot of the boss babes. I recommend, when you come home or you finish your day, before you even go home, can you go for a walk on the beach, can you go for a swim, can you go to a dance class, can you do something that helps you, or even just come home and shower so that you're transitioning. From that I feel like I come home and shower so that you're transitioning from that I feel like I come home and I go back into work from home To like mum mode or just more work.
Aston:No, it's more work.
Chrystal:So sometimes my kids and my husband both are craving connection with me. And I'm like putting my hand in their face. I just need to get this last email done. I've just got to take this last phone call and then an hour or two has passed and I'm still doing it so, like the boundaries between work and home life, and then, like I'll give an example. Last night hubby wanted to watch. We watched stupid TV shows together. That can be a form of connection. We're still living like Geordie Shore and Jersey Shore days.
Chrystal:I don't even know why we do this. It's shit to watch, but we watch it together. Beautiful, anyways, puts on an episode Within five minutes. I'm asleep, yeah, and he is literally. He does this thing in front of my face. He like waves his hand and I'll see the hand. I'm like, yep, yep, still awake, and he'll be like I can see. Your eyes are closed.
Aston:Yeah, and he'll be like I can see your eyes are closed, yeah, or I'll be like I just have so much love for you, because I just feel, like women, we're still in this like phase of like fighting, proving like our value and our worth, and for some reason, we've taken it to believe that we need to do more. Yeah, and I actually think the answer is we need to do less, and it's really hard.
Chrystal:I don't know how to do that.
Aston:For women actually think the answer is we need to do less. And it's really hard for women. It's so hard and literally I struggle with this. I wrote an article for Mama Mia about it because about four years ago I went through this kind of transition. I felt like I was working all the time. I didn't know how to rest. I actually thought that rest was lazy, yeah, and like you weren't meant to do it, and I was conditioned into that. I think so many of us have been conditioned into that. That's how I was brought up. Same Literally I wasn't allowed to sleep in.
Rose:Oh my God, you know if you got up Before you got here, pre-pod chat. Yeah, I was literally saying to Crystal, my parents if it was the weekend, everyone else was going out with their friends, everybody was with their friends, everybody was sleeping in till 12. I don't even know what that's like. Yeah, my dad would open the bedroom door and be like, get up, you're wasting your day, yeah, and I would be like called lazy also, like you know, having undiagnosed ADHD and all of that. It's like you're lazy, you don't listen, you're not paying attention. So my biggest, one of my biggest fears is being perceived as lazy and I cannot sit down. Yeah, even if it's not to do work, like I'm still saying after work, for me it's like well, then, go and clean the house. Yes, go and put on a like so I don't sit in front of the tv without a bucket of washing in front of me.
Rose:Yes, so at all stages of my relaxation yes, and then I look at cray yeah, and you get. I'm like get angry at him you're like, like, because he's not doing that when he sits on the couch and he just rests. I'm like he's lazy.
Chrystal:Yeah, yeah, yeah Well see, for me it's I'm constantly working that now my husband has become the housewife. Yes, and he does, I'm not even going to lie guys. Everything he does the washing, the making of the beds, the mopping, the vacuuming and sometimes the cooking On top of his full-time job On top of his full-time job so.
Aston:I feel like they're Celebrating him. I love that he does that and I tell people all the time.
Chrystal:He thinks I'm taking the piss out of him when I talk about it, but I actually am so grateful that he does all those. We'd be living in a fucking shamble of a house.
Aston:Yeah, and well, this is what I like to remind. Like couples is you're a team, so he's not doing it for you. You're a partnership. Yeah, so they're your joint children. Yes, you know.
Aston:So it's so weird how women do this. Like if men are working and we're with the kids, it's kind of like we're in our roles, like these gender roles aren't serving us today, you know, because women are working, men want to spend more time with the kids. Like we just went on a business, like a business retreat in Bali. I was at the business retreat and my husband was with the kids and so many people are like, oh wow, you know, how do you do that? I'm like because we don't fall into the gender roles that don't work for us. My husband wants more time with the kids. He said to me he loved the routine they had for those four days and that he missed it. He missed that time with them. He knows them better now. I've definitely got a relationship with them. I breastfed them, I birthed them, like I've done. I've done my job, you know, and we do that dance.
Chrystal:But I think that there's even this stigma, even around that today, that, yes, I think women deserve to step up and do you know, follow their dreams, but also remember that you've supported his dreams as well, but there's definitely a bit of resentment there towards me from him that I come home and I continue working and he's like there's things that need to be done around the house, that then he's feeling like he has to pick up the slack. Because I'm sitting on my laptop he has to pick up the slack, and then he gets a bit mad at me and then when we want to spend time together, I fall asleep, yeah 100% and this.
Aston:There was something I wanted to circle back to as well with that argument. So I will, with that whole lazy thing, because we had it too and it's really common. But so for this, what I would say is and this is what we had to do is recreate our relationship and that's why I call it recreate for your business. You would have a business plan and you know, so that you know where you're going and what you're doing. We need those for our relationship and we need them for every season. So it doesn't have to literally look like a business plan. It's a lot more sexy and enjoyable than that.
Aston:But you at least need to have a mission or a vision or a purpose for this season and for this season right now. For you guys to achieve your goals, you need to be working more and he needs to be with the kids, but there needs to be this joint collaboration and conversation. That it's not because you're not just doing this for you like, yes, you want to do this but it's for us like at the end of the day definitely you have dreams about, you know, taking your kids away and trips as a family, like that's and if you can, my dream is to make him retire.
Chrystal:To be honest like and even though he's definitely so, my husband's Anglo-Indian. Yes, so from his background, definitely, the man plays a very big role in a marriage, stereotypically, yeah, and he is always supportive of whatever I want to do. He's never, ever said no to me. Like I've owned multiple businesses, I've lost money, made money he's never, ever said no to me. But I think at the end of the day, if I said to him, hey, we're at a point where you can retire I don't even know if he would want to, because he still wants to have that like bringing in his own kind of money, but that's like my goal.
Aston:That's why I work hard, and I would also then bring this conversation to him and go okay, well, maybe he doesn't have to retire, but maybe there could be a day a month where it's just you and him, you know. So it's important, when you're having these conversations or sharing your goals with each other, that you're listening to both sides and even asking why do you want to retire him? I think it's because you want more time with him as well. I want him to have less pressure on him yeah beautiful.
Rose:It's for him Beautiful Because you love him.
Chrystal:Yeah, and I see how hard he works?
Aston:Yeah, and maybe because it affects how you experience him. Yeah, and maybe because it affects how you experience him, like when he has pressure on him.
Aston:He's probably stressed, there's probably a fun side of him that you're not experiencing, or a side of him where he used to kind of like sweep you off your feet or you know, and maybe you miss that side of him and he can't access that right now under all that pressure. But if you have a vision, and you're both, you sell each other into the vision, but you have to allow the collaboration because otherwise you're not. It's, you're not moving towards it together for us, but it definitely is. You know it's a transition that so many couples are going through because most, you know, both parents are working and you know things are expensive, life is changing and but I do think this vision piece is the piece that has got us through so many hard times. Yeah, if we know why we're doing it and where we're going and we've both signed up for that journey, then it makes it easier to deal with those challenges and to and to keep going, even when it's hard, because it is, it is hard.
Chrystal:I think it's just a lot deeper than just a few things like yeah, same with Rose, like it's a multitude of things that are affecting the relationship, like for us. Our sons just turned 13. He has suffered a little bit of like mental health things over the years. My dad actually took his own life two years ago and that impacted my son heavily. And now you know, after his death, we went through a little bump, then it got really good and now we're at the bump again and it's affecting our relationship because we both parent differently. I take mental health very seriously. Obviously, with dad's death now I think of mental health so differently and I'm very aware that I cannot lose my son the same way. Yes, so those arguments we have constantly about how are we dealing with this situation on top of everything else, like it's so full-on it is, and our kids do impact our relationship 100% and the way we parent does and something I see across parents is women parent one way and men parent another.
Aston:They even did a study once where they got a group of kids in a room and all the dads came in and the kids were like hanging off the roof, like testing all the boundaries, like the place was a pigsty. Then the dads left and then the mums came in and everything was controlled.
Chrystal:Everybody was sitting, that's opposite in my household opposite.
Aston:They're crazy and mental around me and then dad comes home, they're like yeah, yeah, well, is he the one that maybe does the discipline?
Chrystal:he's definitely a stronger parent than me. Yes, I'm kind of like let's be best besties and do a tiktok in the lounge room, but how?
Rose:do you navigate?
Aston:that different parenting styles.
Rose:Because that is massive it is.
Aston:It's huge, and it could literally be a podcast on its own. But, how can I simplify it? Because we had the same challenge when we became parents and you kind of don't notice it. As a parent, I don't think until your kids are about like maybe two and a half, three.
Aston:I remember calling my mum, being like, wow, all of a sudden I have to be a parent, like I mean up until three was hard, until they can talk, yeah, but I didn't feel like controlling what they need to do and eat, yeah, kind of like. I don't know why, but it kind of came out of nowhere and I was like, oh, I've got to actually really parent now, and it was. It was challenging and it really showed our parenting styles, because one, your parenting style comes from your parents. So, however your parents um, it's called attachment style. So, however your parents, related to you is most likely how you're relating to your children, and there'll be one parent that you probably pedestalled, one parent that you wanted to be like, and one parent you would avoid being like at all costs.
Chrystal:So you take a bit of a mix mash of both of that and you put that into your parenting, and so it makes so much sense, doesn't it, when you learn that If you knew what my dad was like, you would be like oh, yeah, yeah.
Aston:Yeah.
Aston:Yeah, Everybody literally everyone goes oh my God, it's not confusing now why we're having this challenge. So there's that going on in you, that going on in your partner, and then the other element is just the differences in men and women and how we perceive things like their biological differences and how we bring that into the relationship with our kids, and then also the masculine and the feminine. So there's all these layers that do impact the way we parent. The thing I try to get across is there is no right or wrong, that there is no perfect way, and even like conscious parenting, which is really popular now, does not mean perfect parenting, and I think that's something we really need to get across that our obsession with perfection or getting it the right way all of the time actually is impossible and does more damage to our kids than good. They don't need to see us as perfect. They need to see us as humans.
Chrystal:Yeah, man, that's bad.
Aston:Yeah, they don't. They don't need to see us as perfect.
Aston:And it's an unrealistic expectation that you can't even meet in yourself. You're constantly going to be chasing the carrot, and I know for me. Growing up, I perceived one of my parents as perfect and it really messed me up when I became a parent because I thought I should be able to do this, I should be able to do it all, I should be okay and all these shoulds really dragged me down and meant that for the first few years I couldn't even enjoy being a parent because I was just trying so hard to keep my shit together. And then I learned that actually the most powerful thing I needed back then was actually realness and a human being and, more than anything, the ability to repair is what I needed to see.
Aston:So what I like to say to parents and even in your relationship, you're going to screw up, you're going to make mistakes. That's how we learn. The biggest thing is the repair. So even with Craig, when you guys had that blow up about not showing affection, those things will happen. The biggest thing is the repair. Whatever happens, you must come back to repair and in the repair, it's really about taking responsibility for your part and being vulnerable, being real with them I say to my kids all the time I don't know all the answers.
Aston:I didn't deal with that in the best way. My anger took over me and you know, I don't know if you've you watch Disney Turning Red, if that's a really great one.
Aston:I watched that with my kids and I like explained to them. You know when you're getting really angry sometimes and you become the anger. That's what it is, and you know what. Mummy's a human too. So there's times where I hit a limit and then it just kind of comes out. But what I want to say and what I say to them all the time is it's not your fault. I want you to know that I love you no matter what, and that you know I am a human and I'm working this out and figuring it out as I go and, and you're helping me and I'm helping you, there's this beautiful um, yeah, you know, reciprocation.
Aston:That can happen when we're open to not needing to be perfect.
Rose:I kind of feel like I'm the stronger parent, I'm the disciplinary um, and I can relate to Davin in the sense of like how I know him and all of that, but obviously being brought up very strict myself and sort of not like what you were saying, like I've kind of chosen my battles because I don't want to be that strict either. But then I realised like that when I have, because I'm not a gentle parent guys, I'm sorry, I am not a gentle parent I can't do it because my kids aren't gentle anyway, but I have learned to apologize to them biggest thing.
Rose:So like if I have had a moment where I've gone absolutely ballistic, nutbag level, like I've just, especially with the teenagers I've had to just go back in there and go um, look, I'm so sorry at the way that I exploded at you, but like I just didn't know how to cope with it at the time and I was really frustrated. Um, and then I had the conversation after. We're both cooled off. So I've had to learn that as well so which is really hard.
Rose:But what I've also had to do is drag Craig in the room as well and make it look like both of us not look like like it, but like he might not be involved. But I don't want to make it like it's just one person. Yes, because then, especially teenagers, they definitely play us off each other. Oh, 100%. So what we have started doing is going into the room together. Yeah, that's something like I'm really happy we've started doing so, even if I'm having the lecture after the fact, he's just standing there and backing me up or vice versa.
Aston:Yeah, and you can have different approaches, but still support each other and not make your approaches wrong.
Chrystal:I think that's where I've lost it at the moment.
Aston:I think that's where a lot of people go wrong. We think they have to think the same and do it the same as us.
Chrystal:You were saying this, Chris. I thought we had to parent the same, to be honest.
Rose:No, you don't, so you can have different parenting styles, 100% you can. And still, I think, yeah, I think that is actually what we hear a lot of, and even on socials, like I feel like, when I hear about parenting styles in a marriage and relationship, that we were talking about this before that we thought that you have to be the same, or at least, like I don't know, I'd say the key glue is having the same values.
Aston:So or having the same values or goals for your family, or like mission for your family, so, you can have different perspectives, but you can also have understanding and compassion about those differences. You know you can kindly acknowledge the differences instead of like brutally judging the differences if you know what I mean.
Aston:So it's your approach to that and I do think as a society we have a hard time accepting differences. We really try and make everybody the same and I think that's why so many people. It's really common that people think, oh, we should all be the same, and you know me and my husband, you know to be on the same page. We have to think the same and be the same. Well, I completely disagree with that. It's pretty impossible. You're different people. You're men and women. You're biologically different. You were raised differently. There's so many layers to this. So really I think it's an impossible goal and it will create frustration and resentment because you feel like you're having the same argument over and over again.
Aston:How we kind of approach this was to come from a place of understanding. So if my husband parented the kids in a different way in a moment, I would, you know, support whatever he was doing. I wouldn't interrupt in the moment because that would also confuse the kids. Support whatever he was doing. I wouldn't interrupt in the moment because that would also confuse the kids. I would then ask him afterwards can you like share with me what your kind of thinking was around that? I want to understand that approach. And then when he shared with me kind of what it brought up for him or why he did it that way, I then was able to go okay, well, I can see how you might use that approach to like solve this problem.
Aston:And then he would often say because of my curiosity I say get curious, not furious. So curiosity kills the frustration, frustration really gets in the way and we don't deal with the problem. So when I was curious, he then was curious back and he'd say to me well, how would you deal with that situation? And sometimes I would share my approach. Other times I'd go do you know what I don't know? Because let's also be honest In the moment, sometimes you're just pulling anything out as a parenting, you know hack, you're hoping it's going to work because there's a lot going on. You're juggling kids and work and the phone's ringing and the washing's just gone off. Have you had those conversations?
Chrystal:yet, or have yous?
Rose:managed to.
Chrystal:We've had lots of conversations. Look, I think his intention is always good.
Chrystal:Like he is always trying to support me as a parent. So, for instance, we had a ban on our son playing any kind of gaming during the week. Last night he said to me mum, can I please just play, like for just one hour? And I was like, okay, one hour. Because I'm the soft parent, I gave in. My husband would have said no, of course. Then he goes and games. The one hour has gone by and I've yelled out Levi, it's time to get off. He's ignored me. I've been working and let half an hour go by. And then I've gone into the room and said you've now gone an hour and a half over yet, mom, no worries, um, just let me finish this one one game. And I was like, okay, yeah, I should have probably said get off. Then, yes, another half an hour has gone by. And I've yelled out again and then my husband's lost it. Yeah, he's then stormed in there and been like your mom has asked you three times now to get off and you've ignored it.
Aston:But then I get mad at him for going off and something I want to bring to your attention, which is probably a blind spot for you, is that your son is doing with his gaming, what you're doing with your work, oh, I didn't even think of there's no judgment.
Aston:I say that with so much love. Yeah, because my kids also learned from me how not to rest and it took me having a moment of someone pointing that out to me to be going like, wow, sometimes the easiest way to parent our children is to first reparent ourselves. Yeah, and instead of, you know, using our words, because they, you know, communication is not just words. It's 7% is the words. Literally 93% is our behaviors, our language, our energy, our intention. Yeah, so you know I'm a great talker doesn't necessarily mean I was a good communicator. I had to really learn. The other 97% and like active listening and things like that.
Aston:So one thing I would say here is if he sees you, because he literally said the things that you say about work, so if you, that could be a strong emotional driver because I know you care so much about his mental health for you to start drawing a line in the sand with your work and to come home and actually go. No, I've decided I have done enough. Today, I know for me my mantra became like my best is enough and every day I do my best. I'm an over deliverer and so I'm always doing too much.
Aston:So I had to really just decide that actually my best is enough today and that there's always going to be more tomorrow and I'm here for the long run. So I'm going to get up tomorrow and go again. But I had to learn to rest when I was resting, to work when I was working, to be with my family when I was with my family. Literally, I think the best mental health hack is to be where you are, when you are there, and we can teach our kids that only by embodying it and showing them Wow.
Aston:Being present basically. Yeah, and the second thing I would say is to get curious about the emotional need underneath. I would say a lot of women who work too much are really craving connection or they're craving something else, and it's same for children or husbands If they're escaping with gaming or YouTube or anything. Don't get angry at the behavior on the surface. Look underneath the behavior. So what is the emotional need that's not being met, that he wants to spend hours escaping and gaming? And it probably is connection. Yeah, it probably.
Chrystal:It might be fun, it could be freedom it's definitely fun, like I think he's chasing that dopamine hit of, like he's on the game and it's like, oh, it's thrilling and it's fun and yeah. I can't say that 100% of the time when he's at home with us, that that we can give him that.
Aston:And there's not an expectation to definitely not but to get curious about how else can we meet that emotional need. That's not just gaming, could it be, I don't know a pizza night, Like we love to have family traditions that helps keep it less boring for us. So like a pizza night or a movie night, or like we go out one evening to a place that has, like you know, a outdoor pub that has like a playground and and then it forces me out of the house and to connect with my husband for the kids to play. You know, it kind of changed the environment changing the environment can help, you know, shift up that dynamic.
Aston:But yeah, I would just get curious about what those emotional needs underneath are and even ask him, you know, if he's open to it, um, but you've got to have this conversation with no judgment, so you've got to really come from a place of like, hey, I'm really curious, um, and get interested about what gaming means to him, because that is the number one thing with teenagers you need to be interested in their world, don't expect them to be interested in yours. You need to be interested in their world, don't expect them to be interested in yours. You need to be interested in theirs.
Chrystal:So true, I know it's hard. Does this mean I have to learn about Fortnite?
Aston:Well, even just play and do it and like and fail. Yeah, because even that is connection, like you don't need to win, but like just being interested in their world.
Chrystal:That's connection so many teenagers feel thing is there's another, another bad part to this.
Aston:Yes, so the kids that he games with I've banned him from seeing, okay so there's another level of why he wants to game with these kids because because they're his friends, they're his friends he loves them.
Chrystal:They're not good kids. I'm sorry, I'm gonna put my hand up and say that they've done a few things and I'm like no, don't want my son hanging around that. Yeah so that's understandable as a parent thing, is like a way for him to still keep in contact with them, and that's why, I haven't. That's why I kind of allow it a little bit, because I won't let him see them face to face.
Aston:yeah, but can we meet that need of connection in another way so he doesn't need to depend on this so much? Yeah, and just getting curious, like you don't have to solve this right now, but just getting curious and even asking him like, what does fun look like to you now that you're a 13 year old? Because, like, even asking yourself, what does fun look like to you now that you're at the stage of life you are now Like, cause I know I had to ask myself that I became like the fun police. At one point I said to my husband.
Aston:Like we, don't even have fun anymore. And he was like I know we're just so serious. And I said to him I don't even know what fun is Like.
Rose:I had to like then how do you make fun in your relationship then how do you create that again in the autopilot, like, how do we get out of?
Aston:autopilot. Yeah Well, definitely bringing back the fun, I'd say the vision helps. So getting clear on, you know where you're going and what you're creating. But I know for us, first the intention. We set an intention that we wanted more fun in our relationship, yep, and then we got curious about what does that look like to you? We had a conversation about date nights. We wanted to start dating again, but even dating, we didn't necessarily want to do romantic dinners at night anymore because we have young kids and things like that. So for us it became like actually my husband is like I call him adventure boy. He loves to like do different things. So it became like climbing mountains or hills or whatever we could find, you know, going on hikes or doing ice baths together or things that I would never like. I was like I don't want to do, but actually the thought of going on a date with you to do them, I'm like actually that could be cool.
Aston:So leaning into things like that, getting curious about what fun looks like now and setting that intention and also, I think, allowing yourself to have this dance between the masculine and the feminine, because for me in our relationship, when I was in my masculine, there was no fun. There was a lot of structure, there was a lot of routine, there was a lot of rules. Like I was controlling everything because I didn't trust. I didn't trust that I would be supported. I didn't trust that I could rely on him. I didn't trust that everything wasn't going to fall apart. I literally thought, if I have fun and I relax and I put my guard down, this is all going to go to shit. That's me. That's exactly what I was as well, and so many women. So I had to edge into this. I had to just like because it's scary, like it literally feels it's scary to let go.
Rose:It is. And then I'm like I've never been a control freak, but it's turned into yeah, I can't let you do anything. Because if you don't get that task done, I feel so let down and so personal and it can be as something stupid as not doing the laundry or not following through or promising that you're going to go paint the wall, and then it doesn't get done. And I take that like personally and he's like calm down, it's just a wall, or calm down, it's just the laundry. And I'm like it's not just the laundry, to me, it's another thing that you haven't done, that you promised, that I now have to do, and it's just adding to my load. And then at night when he's like hello, yeah, let's go, let's have a little snuggle.
Rose:Yeah, I'm like, are you serious? Get, and it's not personal. Like I look at him and I'm like, oh hey, like I've still got that affection for him, but then just to be touched and I'm not saying this all the time. Obviously we have a great relationship, we have a good sex life and everything, but lately I'm like, get the fuck away from me. You get that little smirky sexy look off your face and you take that hand off my booty because I emotionally cannot give myself. Yes, not to you. This is where I'm finding it hard to explain yes To him. It's not that I don't want to give myself to you, it's I just need some of it. I just need it Returned. I need something. I need to be like on my own. For me, yeah, not because I don't want to be with you and not like, and I feel like I give. I can see that sign of like it feels like rejection.
Aston:Yes, yeah, and then obviously, but what's really happening is you're rejecting yourself, so you're projecting that and that's what you're seeing in the relationship. Because you need time for yourself, you want to connect inwards, you want to have that safety in your own body. And if he's like there's two parts to this You're not feeling that safety because he's not doing the things that make you feel safe. And I get what he means, like it doesn't mean anything. But the thing is human beings are meaning making machines and it's never the thing. It's our relationship to the thing. So him not painting the wall. It's not really about the wall or the paint, it's about your relationship.
Aston:It's about what it means to you. Every time he doesn't do something he said he was going to do, it erodes your trust. Yes, it tells you he's not reliable, he's not safe.
Rose:I can't, you know, I can't leave those tasks with you because they might not get done. And if they don't get done, you know like everything's gonna in my mind, everything's gonna fall apart.
Aston:And if everything falls apart, what does that mean to you?
Rose:I don't know Like it means more work for me, yeah, so like it just means I'm going to have to, like the house, pick up the pieces. Pick up the pieces get everything done, yeah, and it's like all on your shoulders.
Chrystal:Yeah, this has been eye opening for me listening to you because you're Davin. Yeah, you are actually Davin, because he relies on me to just do a few things, and then I don't do it, and then he gets mad at me for not doing. And then he's like I just asked you to do one or two jobs and you didn't do it, so now, looking at you, I'm like this is how he must feel I have like the opposite effect.
Rose:So, like my brain is 24, seven on, and I kind of enjoyed the way that I think and I am quite vulnerable, um, or I've learned to be yeah, um. But at the same time I feel like I am thinking for we've got a family, like there's four kids and Craig and I. I feel like I'm constantly getting this decision fatigue. Like I'm thinking for him, yeah, for the kids, yeah, for next week, for the car servicing, for what I have to do at work, for who else is relying on me? Yes, my everything. And then I look at him and I think you know I'm already making all these decisions about everything, all the small ones. Like I'm thinking about dinner, I'm thinking about this, I'm thinking about when swimming lesson starts, I'm thinking about paying those school fees, I'm thinking about this. And then I'm about when swimming lesson starts, I'm thinking about paying those school fees, I'm thinking about this. And then I'm like can you just think, take some of that mental load off of me and then you look at them.
Rose:I've looked at him with like disappointment, resentment and then the trust I was like this feels personal and it's been our biggest argument over over. I think Craig and I've been together 19 years this year, yeah, and we've it's our biggest thing because, like we have started dates. We go on date walks yeah, beautiful, I love that. We go on beach walks. Um, we spend we don't spend a lot of time together, but what we have started doing is like I've had all these light bulb moments sitting here and listening to you. Like I'm like, oh cool, like I've actually had some wins out of listening Cause I was like, oh, that's great, we have actually had to change. I said I actually do miss you. I had to admit that, yeah, so like and it's hard for strong women.
Aston:I really miss him. Like cause, we're trained, like you said, to be strong, independent, not need anybody.
Rose:But there is this other part of us and I'm a feminist, I'm like I don't need no man, and then I feel like I'm betraying myself by saying like I miss you.
Aston:I need you, but the difference there what.
Aston:I say to women is you don't need a man, but you want a man and that's okay. You want his connection, you want his love. It's like women, your feminine is driven by desire. It's okay to say yes to your desire and that doesn't make you weak. I would say, a woman who is so powerful is a woman who follows her desire, who knows she's worth her desire, and that doesn't make you not a feminist.
Aston:Yeah, I actually think we've gone a bit too far with this feminist thing and you know, I think there's some, there's problems on both sides. You know men and women have things that we need to work through. But what I find just so challenging about it is it's created a war and it's created more separation, and I think, more than anything, we need this level of understanding. And that's the big piece in my work, cause I believe masculine and feminine want to work like this. They actually want to support each other. The masculine wants to hold the container. But we have had this change in our society and in our culture where men aren't being challenged anymore, and this was the issue in my relationship, like my husband was like just so kind of of complacent, and you know he was doing the surface level things like putting the bin out, mowing the lawn, doing those kind of things. But I was like that's kind of like not enough, that's like the basic of what's required.
Rose:I'm just like that's what you got to do when you're at, when you're a team. Yeah, I'm like this is our house. Actually, that took me a long time to get the not the courage because, like, I don't have a problem speaking with Craig, but I'm like the courage to say, like to get out of that way of thinking that I'm the little woman that has to stay at home and do a full-time job and be servicing you and your needs. It took me a long time to actually say this is our house when you come home from work. I did say it originally in a really in an argument yeah, so I'm not gonna lie.
Aston:Like this is why we want to like but sometimes it comes out like that and and then that's sometimes it needs to like.
Rose:I was just like this is our, this is our house, and just because you've worked all day doesn't mean that I haven't worked. And he's like I never said that you didn't, but I'm like, but I am still the primary parent and the person that is doing the majority of the household tasks, and it's too much and we need to.
Aston:And we have to get to that point, like you said, where we say this is too much. I would say this is part of the problem. I was the same as you. I was taking responsibility for everybody, I was thinking for everybody, doing everything for everybody. I had to actually have a real chat with myself that I had put those expectations on my shoulders. My husband never came to me and was like here we go, here's my expectation list, exactly.
Aston:I had to swallow this pill and literally go hang on a minute, aston, and you learnt this from somewhere, I learnt it from somewhere and I had to break up with that connection and decide that I didn't want to be that woman. I did not because that woman does everything on the surface, but she is so resentful, depleted you know, on the inside I've had like mega epiphany, like my head just exploded just then.
Rose:I learnt it from somewhere.
Chrystal:I have more appreciation for Davin after this episode. To be honest, I love that Because recently to Valentine's Day, I've just actually realised what his present was. I made fun of him. He brought lube and he brought a few other things. And I made fun of him. He brought lube and he brought a few other things and I made fun of it.
Rose:He was presenting connection I sent videos to my friends.
Chrystal:I sent it to Rose Like look what I got for Valentine's Day. This is hilarious that was amazing and, in actual fact, he's craving connection with me. It was a gift for connection.
Rose:And when I saw the photo I was like what a great gift, yeah, and she was having a laugh and like we're really good mates. But I think that's also the compliment in it Like I'm her Davin, hi Dav.
Aston:That is also a beautiful segue, because connection is different for men and women. So for men it often is physical, but not always sexual. Sometimes it's just that they physically want to touch you. So, the same as like he wanted a kiss or a cuddle, like that's affection.
Chrystal:Like Davin, could have a full-blown argument with me and be ready to go in two seconds, and I'd be like get off.
Aston:Yes, and that's because, for women, connection is more about. Are we communicating? Yes, are we on the same page? Are we working as a team, like, and if your love language is acts of service, which must be yours, are you actually doing the acts?
Rose:of service. How did you know?
Aston:You know, are you actually doing the?
Rose:acts of service. Oh my God, I find acts of service sexy as fuck. So sexy.
Aston:I used to as well.
Chrystal:You are daven, I'm like mm-mm Do.
Aston:Do you know? I would be so interested if you leaned into your feminine and allowed yourself to rest, and I know it's going to be hard. The first time I did it, I had to lock myself outside. I'm not joking Like I took the keys, locked the door. I know I could have got back in, but I didn't. It was like the only way I could tell myself you have to stay outside. I locked myself outside without my phone, without anything. I think I had a book. I had a book because I knew I was going to find it hard and my first goal was just 20 minutes by myself outside, and that sounds simple to some people. That was hard for me. If you're someone who's always doing, you're overproductive, your mind's always going. That state of rest is a really hard place to get to.
Chrystal:Rose can't sit still to rest, so she can do things for herself, like going for a walk, but she's being active while she's walking. She can't sit on the couch and watch an episode or a series, because that, then, is laziness, or she has to fold laundry while she's doing it. This is why she has not watched maths yet I know I'm going to get onto that I haven't
Rose:watched maths oh my God, I can't deal, definitely.
Aston:I mean, I've that, I'm going to get onto that I haven't watched maths either.
Rose:Oh my God, I can't deal. Definitely. I mean I've got to make those moments. Yeah, there's a laziness component to it and it's your relationship to it. Yeah, we need to change your relationship to it.
Chrystal:That's right.
Aston:What I started telling myself was when I rest, I receive or I used to before. I'd say to myself I can't rest until everything's done, which you probably say to yourself, a lot of women do. So I switched it to when I rest, I have the energy to get everything done. Because the thing is when you're getting everything done and then you rest, that's not rest, it's called burnout and exhaustion. So that's why you'll never.
Chrystal:This is what my husband does he cleans, cleans, cleans, cleans, cleans and then he needs to rest and then he's so tired.
Rose:I am the queen of burnout. I get into a constant cycle of burnout and everybody watches me do it. Everybody watches. You're probably rewarded for it as well. I have been rewarded. You're in a burnout at the moment. I'm in a burnout, right now.
Aston:That's what makes it hard to break it, and I've been there. I started losing my hair and that was my turning point. I had a daughter and I lost my hair and I remember in that moment, in the hairdresser's chair where she it was like a 20 cent piece just in the middle of my hair. Never happened before. It wasn't actually the vanity part, which I think is also fine, but for me it was this soul crushing feeling inside of me that I had been neglecting and abandoning myself for years.
Rose:This is years.
Aston:Like it was that moment of like it's like stress, alopecia.
Chrystal:How can I?
Aston:Yeah, it was, I was like how have I got to this point where I am treating myself like I don't even matter in my own damn life and I think you think you're mad, like you think you are looking after yourself in a way like the last two kids took me to the lowest I've ever been in my life.
Rose:So I had postpartum depression after Esme and I actually still think it's one of the best things. Yeah, that happened to me. Yeah, and what's funny is I actually have to just say this firstly, is the more I'm talking to you about our relationships and couples, therapies, all of these techniques that you're going through every single time we've had a question or you're explaining something, all I can I don't, I think you'll be the same is I'm realizing the work. I get why you had to do the work before your relationship changed, because every single thing you're saying it's not like yeah, like you know I'm the problem, it's me, but you're also the solution. Yeah, but it's like.
Aston:It's not like cry, it's not like our partner, yeah't the problem and they have their version of this as well, but by you going on that journey you can inspire them.
Chrystal:It's me, you know.
Aston:Hi, I'm the problem, it's me, but you're also the solution. I love that and I'm also the solution. Exactly. We need to add that in, because so many women say to me so it's my fault, and I'm like no, it is not your fault, you haven't failed. You learnt this from somewhere. Somebody taught you this. This is not who you are, oh my God. 100%. And you get to then take responsibility, take your power back and then redesign how you want this to work.
Rose:I actually didn't take it like a bad thing, like I'm the problem. I took it as a oh my God, if I fucking work my own shit out, then I'll have the capacity to sort of work on those problems together. I mean.
Aston:And their shit will come up. Because this is what happened, like I went first and I worked through everything, but then it was like my husband was forced to look in the mirror because I wasn't doing those things anymore.
Rose:I was showing him appreciation.
Aston:I was, you know, I wasn't so critical. I started to like, offer him words of praise because he loves that and like, when I was so critical in my masculine I was like praise yourself. You know, like I had a hard, I had a really hard time and I also wasn't raised with a lot of praise. So again you know it was something I had, this I had to change my relationship to it.
Aston:But then he had to look in the mirror and that was the thing I wasn't expecting, like I didn't realise how powerful that would be, and that I will never forget that day where he basically said to me I've just realised how far ahead you are and how much you've grown, and that I haven't moved and that I have a lot of work to do.
Rose:Okay, this is the question now. As soon as you said that I know people are going to go that's great your husband had a realisation what happens. When you have done all this work and you're ready, you're like I want to save our relationship, wherever you are, whatever stage. Or you're at the stage of like, fuck this, I want a divorce for real. Like I'm so freaking done, like I don't even know how to repair this, and then, for example, you go and go look, I'm gonna go inwards, I'm gonna do some work, but you are like dragging your partner whoever's. Like at what point do you need to go? Hold on they? They're not with me. They're either with me or they're without me. And have you found that sometimes, you know, people grow to a point where they're like you know what, let's, let's part? Yeah, definitely, and it's okay, because I've actually grown as a person and as much as I, you know, I might actually hate them at this point.
Rose:I don't know much as I you know I might actually hate them at this point, I don't know, but like I'm ready, Is that like you reckon? That's also reasons?
Aston:Yeah, definitely, and I people always. You know people are so hung up with the word divorce Like it has so much like emotion attached to it for people. It doesn't have that for me anymore. Like you know, we've got through this challenge. Does it mean we won't get through the next one? Like I'm under no delusion that you know we could have another challenge and maybe we won't end up together, but now I'm not so scared of it.
Aston:So before I was just trying to stay together and I don't think that should be the goal. I think the goal should be to continue to grow, because if your relationship isn't growing, it's dying and sometimes that will mean you are growing in different directions and growth is always positive. So I always say to women look, you need to do this work for you. If you're not happy in the relationship, drop him, do not drag him. Do not drag him. Love that. Drop it, because you're not meant to have the children, your husband, on your back. You're not meant to do that. So drop them off your back.
Aston:You start meeting your needs and giving yourself what you need and grow in the direction that you want to grow. He's actually not holding you back. He's not physically holding you and not allowing you to go where you want to go, and that was a realization I had to have. I was always like he's holding me back, he's not growing enough, but he wasn't physically holding me back. Like you were saying, your husband supports whatever you wanted to do. My husband was as well, but I kind of didn't like that he wasn't joining me on the journey, because you know, the feminine is all about that collaboration and the journey, and I wanted him to join me but he just wasn't ready because, at the end of the day, we are two different people. We have different paths to walk. I actually had to remind myself to stop playing God or the universe and thinking that I knew where he was meant to be on his path, or what he was meant to be doing.
Aston:I mean shit. I didn't even know all the time where I was meant to be or what I was meant to be doing. So I had to have this kind of real talk moment of like hang on a minute. Am I really just making distracting from my path with him and I see a lot of women do this Like your relationship becomes your kryptonite and you'll you'll like distract with it, and I had to just drop it and be like drop the expectation unattached from whether he joined me on the journey or not, and decide that I was doing this first for me, because your relationships first are about how you relate to yourself. And then you know that is projected out. That's deep, so yeah, so I had to go me first and I just I remember saying even to him I'm going to do this work and I've decided that either way it's positive. I'm either going to grow and I'm going to attract the man that I desire to meet me in the way that I desire, or you're going to step up and be that man and we're going to create that together. But either way it's positive and either way I can do it from a place where I don't have to hate you.
Aston:I think so many people have seen these just messy breakups and horrible divorces and the movies kind of like elaborate it and I don't think it has to be like that. I think if you're doing the inner work, I'm not saying there won't be challenges, but if you're doing that inner work, it doesn't have to be this, you know, like toxic situation. We can be like grown-ups about it. We can consciously have a conversation and hear each other out, have different points of view and be okay with that, but still meet our own needs you know I mean, oh my God, ashton, we could talk to you all day and I know this conversation is absolutely not over.
Rose:I do love that you established like divorce is not a dirty word, nor should it be taboo, and I will say that I have seen some people divorce and be the absolute best versions of themselves, never been happier and it's, honestly, the best thing they've ever done for themselves, and I don't think it should be something that you should be ashamed of. If fucking happens, yeah.
Aston:A hundred percent, I mean sometimes it's needed.
Rose:It's needed.
Aston:Like you know, like I said in the beginning, I don't think like that. There's not just one metric for a successful relationship and I think people overvalue longevity and I really think that's kind of an outdated metric. We've been together a long time but that's not the metric I look at. I look at how connected are we? Are we growing? Do we have joint values and goals? Like, are we actually um? Do we still feel that passion? Is that sparked, still alive? And they're the metrics that I'm looking at. You know Exactly, not the longevity.
Rose:And I think that's something beautiful to leave people with to have a think about, like all the things that she's just mentioned in regards to what do you want from your relationship, what do you want to achieve together? And like, where are you now? Like, just have conversations, keep the lines of communication open. And, honestly, we're going to revisit this.
Chrystal:I think we decided that we definitely want to have Aston come on the potty kind of regular to discuss.
Aston:I would love to come and chat to you guys To discuss things?
Chrystal:Yeah, because it's just All things, bearing it all.
Rose:Exactly, it's not enough time to have you on just for like just over an hour because we, like crystal, said like there's just so many different aspects to relationships that you want to unpack, so we will encourage that. If you have any questions or anything that you want, any topics that are burning within you regarding your relationship, about couples and anything like that, please do send them in to us, dm us and we will unpack them with Aston again on another episode. But in regards to all Aston's details, where you can find her, we will pop them in the show notes. If you just want to give us a little rundown on where we can find you and your website, yeah, definitely.
Aston:I've loved this chat so I'm super excited to continue this conversation with you, beautiful women. So you can find me on Instagram, aston, underscore Simmons All my details are there. Or AstonSimmonscom is my website and, yeah, in the show notes will be all of the offerings that I have and how I can support you. If you want to know, like, how do I recreate my relationship, we have a four-week program where we can take you through that and it's probably one of our most popular programs, so you can check that out. We're actually running our first retreat in Perth this weekend for a couple of years in person, so good, which is really exciting.
Aston:I'm so excited for you. So good, which is really exciting. I'm so excited for you, yeah, it's going to be amazing. So yeah, honestly. But also just feel free to DM me any questions. I have conversations in DMs all the time.
Rose:As you can see, I'm pretty open to talk about this stuff. Yeah, she shares a lot on her socials hacks, tips, tricks so it's definitely worth giving her a follow over there. But, like I said, like we have, I've finished this conversation. I feel like I've got a fucking million questions that I have to ask.
Chrystal:I'm getting the lube out tonight I love that Connect.
Rose:Actually, it's really cool lube and I really want to unpack that too, because that's going to be another little episode.
Chrystal:Oh my God, Do I need to talk about how my son found it and then Googled what it was?
Rose:Oh, that's another episode altogether, but in the meantime, we want to make sure that you are tuning in to us on our next episode and make sure that you always take care of yourselves and you take care of each other. See you later, guys. Bye.